Last Time I Checked This Was Still America
Season 7, Episode 12
Friends S7:E12 - The last time I checked this was still America. What happened on Wednesday isn’t supposed to happen in this country. It is almost impossible to describe the emotions that were stirred up in me from the combination of the lack of surprise that this was the inevitable culmination of where Donald Trump had been leading the Republican Party for five years mixed with the utter disgust of seeing the visuals (particularly the Confederate flag being waved in the Capitol of the United State of America) but I'll try: burning anger, profound sadness, utter disgust. Here we are five days later and the shock of something that was so predictable is still surreal, the pain is still acute. Last time I checked this was America and insurrection is not something we are supposed to experience. I'm mean, Friends 20/20 is a blog series about a 90s/2000s sitcom, it's supposed to be fun, goofy, light-hearted, trivial but nevertheless since this blog series is also supposed to be topical, here I am writing about the same type of hate and horror that my father fought against in World War II except this time, that hate and hour is festering inside of our own country. I thought that the election of Joe Biden would allow me to steer this blog series back away from being a political vehicle to resist the absolute carnage that the Trump presidency has wielded on our democratic norms but, sadly, I guess charting that happier, more scenic course is still going to have to wait a bit longer. This is unbelievable.It would be easy to discount the perpetrators of Wednesday's insurrection as a fringe, extremist element that does not reflect the values of most of Donald Trump's voters. The last thing I want to say on this before we chalk this week's post up as an L and attempt to regroup during the break (we are off for the rest of the month until February 1st and I must say, given that Wednesday might have been the most traumatic day in America since September 11th, 2001...I'm going to greatly appreciate the time off to process this and reflect) is that the word that rang inside my head the most on Wednesday is complicity. WE HAVE KNOWN WHO donald trump IS ALL ALONG AND THERE IS NOT BEEN ONE ACCEPTABLE RATIONALIZATION FOR SUPPORTING HIM SINCE THE DAY HE ANNOUNCED HIS BID FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2015. Sure, the insurrectionists are absolutely individually responsible for their actions on Wednesday but Senator Josh Hawley is complicit in the insurrection. Senator Ted Cruz is complicit in the insurrection. Senator Mitch McConnell, Senator Lindsay Graham, Representative Kevin McCarthy, every Republican elected official (including Liz Chaney and those that had the decency to at least turn on Trump in the eleventh hour) are all complicit. Guess what? IF YOU VOTED FOR donald trump IN 2020 YOU ARE COMPLICIT TOO. Even if you're a regular reader of theLeftAhead, sorry...if you voted for Trump in 2020, you're complicit. Own it. Sure, this is a time for healing and bringing the country together under Joe Biden's leadership but not without accountability. Accountability is paramount to ensuring that we don't see a repeat of this ever again in our beautiful country's future. 74,223,744 Americans are complicit in insurrection against our democracy and have some serious reflecting to do in order to walk themselves back to rejoining the rest of us in sharing the American value of decency again. I hope you all start getting to work. Lastly, big ups to Eugene Goodman, the Capitol Police officer who steered insurrectionists away from the Senate chamber where Vice President Pence and Senators were before they were evacuated. Officer Goodman's bravery and his ability to react under pressure during a crisis likely saved lives and is to be admired. Thank you, Officer Goodman. That's it. That's all I want to say today. See you in February. Peace.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe battles her smoke detector, Rachel battles Tag over who dropped the ball with the mailing to Milan, Ross battles Joey on who is going to risk their life to get down from the roof, Chandler battles Monica on who can keep the other up when they are the one who can’t fall asleep, and the last time I checked this was still America.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica and Chandler are cuddling in bed after sleeping together in the wee hours of the morning on the night where they kept each other up all night. Monica says, "That really was some of your best work." Chandler responds, "Hm, hmm, I told you!" [The Knockout] Chandler then looks at the clock before firing off this juicy little classic Channy quip, "I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work."
Elephants Never Forget
Season 7, Episode 6
Friends S7:E6 - Friendinistas, I am so pleased to report that as we gather here today in Week 199 of The Resistance, the nightmare is finally drawing to a close. We are being stirred awake by the radiant warmth of the first alpenglow rays of light from dawn's palette. Soon it will be morning again in America. We did it! On Saturday morning, three and a half days after the polls closed on Election Night 2020, Joe Biden was elected the 46th President of the United States of America and Kamala Harris was elected the first female, black, and asian American Vice President of the United States of America. Consequentially, Donald Trump, the immoral president in American history and his super fly vice president, Mike Pence, will be vacating the White House in 72 days. Yo...guess what, y'all? We just made it passed 45!!! In our bitterly divided America, Election 2020 was alarmingly close. Joe Biden will ultimately win the Electoral College handily and leads the popular vote by nearly five million votes (to date) but his margins in several key battle ground states are razor thin. There is no doubt that a racist, immoral, self-consumed born rich conman was very realistically within striking distance of threading the Electoral College needle to reelection. That is a scary, scary thought. Nevertheless, a win is a win is a win. Thankfully, the progressive working people's movement came out in force to drag the corporate Democratic establishment across the finish line so that the non-deal-with-the-devil-making American public can collectively breathe a sigh of relief. Don't worry, those of us in the progressive working people's movement are not expecting a thank you from the Democratic Establishment (I think they already misdirected that towards The Lincoln Project). We know one is not forthcoming. We, instead, can bask in the reverence of the history that was made on Saturday to elect the first female, black, and asian Vice President (reflected in today's wonderful headline image created by artist Bria Goeller) to move us one step closer to perfecting our Union.I know a lot of the President's supporters (who are our fellow Americans) are hurting today and so (as tempting as it is) I won't do any extending gloating. We need to be preparing to reach out to white working class voters and try to share with them a vision of why the union movement can deliver for them economically in ways President Trump, despite his promises, never did. Extended gloating right now would only make it harder to get through to those Americans when it's time to have those conversations. Having said that, I will also say this to the elected officials inside the Republican Party and the former and current appointed officials in the Trump Administration (who have been in a transactional relationship with Donald Trump for the past four and a half years because they have chosen to put their own pursuit of power and political interests ahead of the good of the country and the American people)...remember how the American people came out in record numbers on Tuesday to repudiate your immoral alliance and your despicable behavior; remember it for the rest of your historically tainted lives. Much like Ross and Joey's plutonic and nonsexual yet still obviously inappropriate nap arrangement, you knew what you were doing was wrong. Your integrity is forever lost and when this chapter enters our country's historical record, you will be judged harshly forever for you inappropriate and immoral alliance with Donald Trump. Over the last four and a half years, you were elephants first and Americans second. You are a disgrace. We will not let you forget that. And also don't forget the ice cold repudiation of everything you've compromised that came with the announcement on Saturday that Joe Biden has won the 2020 presidential election. We will not let you forget that either and we will not stand for a return to obstructionism in the coming four years. Don't ever forget, retched elephants, you sold your souls to Donald Trump in pursuit of power and now you have to live the rest of your lives rotting in that tarnish. Elephants, never forget.Finally, for anyone who has noticed things being a little bit difference here at theLeftAhead in 2020 (specifically since the pandemic hit in March), you deserve an explanation. I think the best way to put it is to quote our Editor-In-Chief, Ted James, when he said in his recent Election 2020 post, time is an illusion. Loyal Friends 20/20 readers, your homework is to chew on that until we reconvene again "next week." Until then...be best.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross and Joey fall asleep on the couch together watching Die Hard, Monica devises a scheme for her, Phoebe, and Rachel to rotate being Maid of Honor for each other but for her not to have to choose her own Maid of Honor by making Phoebe and Rachel decide, Chandler is forced by Monica to face his camp girlfriend, Julie Grath and apologize for breaking up with her for gaining weight, Phoebe and Rachel's decision devolves into a contest that is judged by Ross and and Joey, and all of the judging wears Ross and Joey out seducing them to recreate the greatest nap ever but unfortunately for them, much like a group of Republicans holding a Saturday press conference at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Phoebe some how wonder over and, as we all know, elephants never forget.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica arrives home from brunch and informs Chandler about a weird encounter during the meal, recalling, "Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today when I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she...she wished me good luck." Not sensing the tone, Chandler replies, "That’s sweet." Making a second attempt, Monica emphasizes the sarcasm with, "No, it’s more like...GOOD LUCK." Now intrigued by the mystery, Chandler asks, "So uh, what did this woman look like?" Monica briefs him with, "She was like 30, dark hair, attractive." Warming up his quip-tastic vocal cords for the aria to come, Chandler asks, "Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?" Monica, not amused, brushes past by questioning, "Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?" Chandler responds, "No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive. Hold on one second; let me check this out." As Chandler gets up to grab a photo album Monica asks, "What are you doing?" After bringing the album over, opening it, and pointing to a specific photo, Chandler asks, "Well, let’s see. Okay uh, is that her?" Astonished, Monica proclaims, "Oh my God yes! Who is she?" Seemingly pleased with his ability to identify the person in question quickly, Chandler reports, "Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend." Lobbying the softest of softballs right up, hanging over the plate, Monica asks, "Did you break up with her?" [The Knockout] Chandler Bing, the Luciano Pavarotti of quippage, smashed that question over the right field fence, responding, "No, we’re still together."
Featured Image Source: BET
Headline Image Source: SAPeople News
Fake Accent University
Season 6, Episode 4
Friends S6:E4 - Good evening, Friendinistas. Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day. I hope Week 143 of The Resistance finds you well. It should. We are finally (FINALLY) starting to see cracks in the shameful "political self-preservation over country" congressional Republican wall protecting President Trump. With today's damning testimony by former White House advisor on Russia and Europe Fiona Hill in the impeachment inquiry coupled with the near universal backlash to our Commander-In-Chief committing potentially the biggest foreign policy blunder since George W. Bush's 2003 invasion of Iraq with Trump's despicable decision to abandon our Kurdish allies and withdraw our forces from Syria, there is a palpable shift in our collective appetite to finally hold this president accountable for his abuses of power. While this development is encouraging, we are likely still a very long and painful distance away from realizing the ultimate objective of our resistance: Donald Trump's removal from office. Should it come at the ballot box, we are still 386 long and painful days away. Should it come through steadfast resolve fueling an impeachment conviction or even a resignation, it could come sooner. But here comes the cold water. If we get overconfident at any point during the next 55 weeks (even for a moment), Donald Trump could thread the reelection needle and push that timeline back to January 2025. I know that this is the blog post before the blog post before Halloween...but that's a pretty scary thought. Stay engaged, Friendinistas. Stay engaged with unrelenting resistance. Until we are all of the way there, we are still nowhere.
Now to segue into today's episode of Friends, the title I chose for today's post - Fake Accent University - reminds me of another one of President Trump's endless scandals. Can you guess which one, Friendinistas? Well if you guessed the reality television conman's venture into swindling desperate-to-improve-their-lives naive Americans into racking up massive amounts of debt to pay for a higher education that marketed itself as having the ability to teach them how to become real estate moguls but was actually (like most things produced by the Trump Organization) just a huge freaking scam then you have guessed correctly or as the Grail Knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade would put it, "You have chosen wisely." Yeppers. Unfortunately for all of those "students" who couldn't see that the emperor has no clothes, Trump University may as well have been called Fake Accent University. (How's that for a segue?) For Ross Geller, teaching at Fake Accent University is a high honor. I mean, he hopes to get tenure at FAU someday. Of course, impressing a tenure review board is the least of Ross's worries after Rachel crashes one of his classes to confront him about an interesting phone call she had with his divorce attorney. Indeed. At the end of today's episode, Ross and twenty-ish of his students discover that Rachel has discovered that she is still married to Ross. I've gotta say...pretty big day for these FAU students. First, Ross admits to being from Long Island and using a fake accent. Then, they discover that Ross has a secret wife. Ross and the FAU undergrads also discover that Rachel is not happy about the fact that she's still Mrs. Geller which triggers Ross to resort back to his fake accent by greeting Rachel's intrusion into his class with, "Well, hello Rachel!" But just like the words that come out of my mouth every time I hear Donald Trump talk about being the victim of the greatest witch hunt in American history, once busted...I'm sure Ross was thinking what he had said when Rachel and Monica discovered his fake accent in the first place, "Oh bloody hell." And on that note, I think I can safely say in my best DJ Khaled voice that this completes another one. See you next week, faithful patriots. Keep resisting ✊✊✊
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross lands a job in N uh, Y, uh U's paleontology department and makes up a British accent to be neither sexy or funny while teaching his class, Joey loses his health insurance and gets a hernia in the same week (bad week for Joey), Phoebe is told by her psychic that she's going to die within the week (bad week for Phoebe), Chandler helps Joey shower and attend a commercial shoot in order to help him get his health insurance back while he's suffering from his hernia, Monica steals back some candlesticks that Rachel was planning to take with her when she moves, and Rachel discovers by answering a phone call from Ross's divorce attorney that she's still married to him so she confronts him during one of his classes at Fake Accent University.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey and Chandler are at Central Perk. Joey is at the counter struggling to bring coffee back to the couch for him and Chandler because of the pain his hernia is causing him. He grunts and groans while walking over to the couch and sitting down before sliding over Chandler's coffee on the table. Noticing the relief Joey feels when this process is complete, Chandler sarcastically asks him, "Hey, will you grab me a cruller?" After Joey starts groaning again while he struggles to get up, Chandler barks, "Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?" Joey responds, "Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing." Brushing aside Joey's wacky logic, Chandler says, "I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing...pushed back in." In response, Joey pontificates, "Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too." Phoebe arrives at Central Perk, walks over to Joey and Chandler, and says, "Hey!" Joey and Chandler both respond, "Hey!" Setting the table for Chandler to eat a big bowl of honey nut quippios, Phoebe asks, "What's going on? [The Knockout] Chandler happily pours the milk and digs right in with, "Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!"
Featured GIF Source: BuzzFeed
Headline Image Source: Cafe Press
Mr. Bigot
Season 5, Episode 12
Friends S5:E12 - Greetings, Friendinistas. I hope Week 105 of The Resistance finds you well. Given that we are reconvening as an indisputably unnecessary government shutdown is beleaguering our country, I hope you're having a resilient MLK Day. We reflect on Dr. King's legacy today while we simultaneously struggle to overcome the racism and fear mongering behind the manufactured crisis that has resulted in millions of federal employees struggling to make ends meet after weeks of not getting paid. The moment we are in is an important reminder that part of the hard work of realizing King's inspirational vision that "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice" means figuring out how to bend the arc around walls. The challenges we face from the presidency of Donald Trump (aka Mr. Bigot) are numerous and fierce. Hopefully the magnificent legacy and example provided to us by leaders such as Dr. King coupled with opportunities for reflection on days such as today help to replenish our moral reservoir and rekindle the vital hope that we will come out the other side of this thing a stronger and more just society. Keep fighting the good fight, sister and brothers. If we remain diligent in our resistance, King's words will once again prove prophetic. In 92 weeks (on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020) we have the opportunity to ensure that the moral arc will bend towards justice once again. If we're successful, the racists, the misogynists, the xenophobes, etc. who have been empowered by Donald Trump (aka Mr. Bigot) will be forced to admit on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021, "the sun has set on our day in the sun."
* * *
Okay, class. Sorry to shift gears on you. After the important conversation we just wrapped up, I know this is going to seem trivial by comparison, but as you all know...your New Year's Resolution homework assignment is due today. (You didn't really think I'd forget, did you Johnny?) If you remember, you are all expected to report on what your New Year's resolution is and whether you have been successful in keeping it for the first three weeks of the year. As an added bonus, the student with the best presentation will receive a Nutter Butter as a prize. I, of course, will serve in the Joey Tribbiani role as judge of this here competition. So without further ado, let the competition begin and the presentations commence. [Long pause for presentations] [A handsome man walks to the front of the classroom] Well done, class! Those were some lofty and noble New Year's resolutions you just presented on. I'm really excited to hear that almost half of the class has kept their resolutions for the past three weeks and is still on track to achieve your goals. While almost all of you will be receiving an A on this assignment (sorry Johnny, I don't find your resolution of making Mr. Adams life a living hell a resolution worthy of an A), there can only be one winner. [Drum roll]. Congratulations, Susie. Your resolution of fostering an abandoned duck and keeping it as your pet (Joey and Chandler-style) for the entire year was both inspiring and admirable. You receive extra credit for how you drew inspiration from the Friends 20/20 textbook and applied it to your real life. Bravo, Susie. It probably goes without saying, but, "the duck gets the Nutter Butter!" The shameless integration of a quote from today's episode into the fictional classroom this blog series has cultivated into has been brought to you by Ichiban. (Ichiban: lipstick for men.) That's it for today, class. Keep up with your resolutions and keep on resisting. Solidarity forever ✊
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica discovers Chandler's super-phony work laugh after she and Chandler start hanging out with Chandler's boss and his wife so they don't have to hide their relationship and can be a "real couple," Ross is so depressed after he finds out Emily is getting re-married that he hooks up with Janice (Chandler's annoying ex-girlfriend), Chandler becomes worried when Ross tells him the rules about dating your friends' ex-girlfriends or sisters and, in order to minimize the damage when Ross inevitably finds out about him and Monica, pretends to be angry and then forgive Ross for hooking up with Janice, Joey acknowledges to Rachel that he doesn't know very much about the nature of Monica and Chandler's relationship, Phoebe loses a chick and duck "Nutter Butter" race when Joey is both her competitor and the race's judge, Rachel presses Monica but can't get her to admit her and Chandler's relationship, and when asked by Rachel about a phone conversation she overheard...Monica claims Chandler's nickname is Mr. Bigot.
Gandalf Gaffes - Today we have pretty straight forward Double G to add to the board. When Monica and Chandler are in Chandler's room discussing their struggles in continuing to hide their relationship from their friends, Monica expressed remorse about lying to Rachel. During the discussion, she makes an interesting claim to Chandler. She suggests a long, uninterrupted closeness to Rachel when she tells Chandler, "Ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything to." Hmm, that's weird. Last time I checked, it was established in The Pilot that Monica and Rachel drifted apart after high school and weren't in regular contact by the time the show began. I mean, Monica wasn't even invited to Rachel's wedding to Barry and found out about it second hand. That's a far cry from Rachel being "the one person I told everything to." Monica's blatant disregard for her and Rachel's "distant" period when discussing their relationship with Chandler is a noteworthy gaffe but not too egregious so I'm ruling it a level one infraction.
Gandalf Gaffe #26: During an intimate conversation with Chandler discussing how difficult it's become to hide their relationship from their friends, Monica expresses remorse over lying to Rachel and claims that since high school, Rachel is the one person she told everything to. However, The Pilot established that Monica and Rachel grew distant after high school to the point where Monica wasn't even invited to Rachel's wedding to Barry and had to find out about it second hand.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica and Chandler have just returned to Monica and Rachel's apartment after playing tennis with Chandler's boss and his wife. Monica is upset with Chandler for sucking up to his boss and barks at him, "I can't believe you let them win!" Chandler removes a busted tennis racket from his bag and sarcastically responds, "Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it." Monica defends her actions saying, "I was frustrated." Chandler bemoans, "It was my racquet." Not backing down, Monica fires back, "I was frustrated with you!" Now on the defensive, Chandler moves the conversation along by pointing out, "If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invited us to dinner tomorrow night." Unable to hold back, Monica berates Chandler with, "Ya know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean, ya know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the 'I'll see you around, Bing!' 'Not if I see you first, Doug!' (Monica mocks Chandler's fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. [The Knockout] Not knowing what else to do, Chandler decides to go nuclear, responding, "Okay ya know what? Because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight."
Featured Image Source: The New York Times
Headline Image Source: Magnus Colorado on Pinterest
It's What Grown-Ups Do
Season 5, Episode 6
Friends S5:E6 - Greetings, Friendinistas. I hope Week 94 of The Resistance finds you well. To start, let me state the obvious. This post is going to be a ? Grade-A Mail-In Special. If you have to ask why, you probably haven't been paying close enough attention to your favorite pop culture blog series since this happened. While writing that now infamous post, we made the decision to soldier on with this project under the philosophy that part of how we #resist is by maintaining a sense of normalcy. (In other words, had theLeftAhead abandoned Friends 20/20 after Election 2016 in order to instead cover Donald Trump full-time, we would've been playing into his hands since publicity, good, bad, or otherwise, is central to his grip on power. While many, many news outlets and blog sites believe with good intention that reporting on every horrible thing he does every single day is a dutiful form of resistance, in our opinion, a much more effective form of resistance and way of diffusing Donald Trump's power is to intentionally turn attention away from the circus that is his presidency at times and instead, maintain a grip on what normalcy was prior to Trump's America.) So, yes. For us, soldiering on with Friends 20/20 was the right decision. Not foreseen at the time but a byproduct that's been a pleasant surprise is that this blog series has gotten more political since Election 2016 because (by making the decision to continue the series) we simply don't have the manpower to adequately equip theLeftAhead with the necessary amount of political content to hold Trump accountable on all of the big stuff (not speaking here about the daily minutia of reprehensible behavior but things like Charlottesville, the massive transfer of wealth to the one percent through the GOP tax bill, the siding with Putin over our own intelligence agencies, Kavanaugh, babies in cages). So, since we don't always have the manpower to cover this stuff otherwise at theLeftAhead, Friends 20/20 has become a greater political forum by default. Having said all of that (to summarize, continuing the blog series was the right decision), today is one of those days where not just me - but all of us - have something more important to be focused on than Friends 20/20. Namely, compelling people to vote. We get the elected officials we deserve. Our fellow American citizens who believe in conservatism enough to sell their souls to the devil by aligning with the values that Donald Trump represents are planning to show up at the polls tomorrow. On their side, they show up to vote because they believe that it's what grown-ups do. (Now rationalizing a reason to condone Donald Trump's behavior isn't what grown-ups do but that's a different conversation.) The good news? They are a vastly outnumbered minority. Most Americans still believe in decency, and tolerance, and holding our leaders accountable to the rule of law. Most Americans want universal health care, and want to reverse climate change for future generations, and believe in holding corporate power in check, and think our current levels of wealth and income inequality are a moral dilemma. Here's the kicker. The vast, vast majority of younger eligible voters believe these things. Our job is to make sure that the vast, vast majority of us (particularly young voters) believe that we must vote because it's what grown-ups do. If we turn the corner on our collective thinking about our civic duty (we mobilize the youth vote, outwork the other side at GOTV, and operate with the mindset that we must ALL vote because it's what grown-ups do), we might begin to reverse the erosion of our democracy and start restoring dignity in our government. We might even elect some leaders who believe in the things that most of us believe in. We get the elected officials we deserve. If we all show up tomorrow and VOTE, we might just deserve to get elected officials like this...
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Emily asks Ross to sell all of his furniture and then move out of his apartment so she won't be subjected to Rachel cooties upon moving to New York, Phoebe's birth mom gives her a fur coat made from mink as a family heirloom that disgusts her at first before she decides it looks good on her, Chandler accidentally almost makes Phoebe woke about child labor abuses in Third World countries, Rachel fogs her new neighbor Danny in the storage room and then begins developing a love/hate relationship with him, Monica unconditionally forgives Rachel for also fogging her during the Danny storage room incident, Joey can't control his emotions (because he's an actor) and tells Ross how much he hates Emily's unreasonable requests, and Ross ultimately breaks up with Emily because when one is in a relationship with a partner that is that controlling and untrusting, it's what grown-ups do.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch – Thinking that it is their last time having dinner all together (because Emily has forbidden Ross to see Rachel once she moves to New York), the gang serendipitously sees Ugly Naked Guy through the window again for the first time after a long period of not seeing him.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey, Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are at Central Perk when Ross enters holding a flyer that he wants to post inside the coffee shop. While attempting to do so, he says "hey" to there rest of the gang. Noticing what Ross is doing, Gunther approaches him and says, "Oh, Ross. Ross! You can't put up flyers in here." Caught off guard, Ross responds, "How come? Everybody else does." Gunther matter-of-factly responds, "you can't" in a way that clearly demonstrates his biased against one of Rachel's ex-boyfriends. Before Ross can protest, Monica asks, "What is that?" His attention successfully diverted, Ross turns to Monica and answers, "Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things." Monica looks at the flyer and observes, "This is all of your things." Putting on a brave face, Ross responds, "Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Ya know, brand new." Monica counters, "So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale." Agreeing, Ross continues, "Touched. Used. Sat on. Slept on." Still hovering near the conversation, Gunther interrupts by informing Ross, "I'll take it all." Moving right past the stalker-alert implications of Gunther's offer, Joey asks Ross, "Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?" Ross answers, "Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine." Chandler follows up with, "Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?" Ross suggests, "After what I did? Can you blame her?" Phoebe validates Ross by offering, "Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green." Hearing this, Ross makes a b-line for the restroom. After he leaves, a frustrated Joey asks, "What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?" Monica interjects, "Now calm down Joey." Joey does not relent, however, continuing, "No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!" Phoebe concurs, "Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing." [The Knockout] Clearly more concerned with taking a sarcastic shot than he is about the implications of the Ross-Emily-Rachel situation, Chandler piles on, "Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence."
Video Source: Beto for Texas on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Vote.je
Headline Image Source: The Youth Vote
Me Too
Season 5, Episode 5
Friends S5:E5 - Trick or Phoebe, smell my Phoebe, give me something Phoebe to eat. If you Phoebe, I don’t Phoebe, I’ll Phoebe down your underwear! What. Is. Good, Mercedes Friends? Welcome to our fifth annual Halloween Post-Extravaganza! ? (I realize that my use of the comma there means a) I could be writing a Halloween extravaganza blog post or b) we could be celebrating Halloween after having an extravaganza.) 👻 Any who, how're ya doing on this lovely Halloween Eve-Eve? If you're in the spirit of the season like I am and, therefore, open to a fright, we have quite a scare in store for you later in the post. Before we get to that, however, it occurred to me that while we are celebrating Halloween today, funnily, our Friends 20/20 episode analysis won't be part of the celebration because our FRIENDS were not celebrating Halloween 20 years ago in the episode under discussion. The GOAT 🐐 sitcom certainly had years with Halloween-themed episodes but this does not happen to be one of them. While I might find that batty, right now in my head, I'm envisioning you - the reader - completely unimpressed by the observation in such a condescending way, you decide to respond to me in your best Chandler Bing-impression voice, snickering, "Well, ah Boohoo." Fine. Enough FRIENDS observations for today. I can tell that ever since I let the (black) cat out of the bag that there is going to be a scare in today's post, you're all fixated in anticipation. Fine, fine, fine. Without further ado, I present...
Me Too: A Donald Trump Horror Story
Chandler and Monica Bing sat down with me (Ken Adams) in their Westchester County, New York home last Thursday, October 18th, 2018, to give their first public statements and provide video documentation to theLeftAHead of then Monica Geller's "Me Too" moment.
[Ken] Monica and Chandler, thank you so much for choosing to share your story with theLeftAhead. Monica, please begin, whenever you're ready.
[Monica] Well, thanks for having us Ken. I guess I'll start by giving a little background. The year was 1998, twenty-years ago, almost to the day, in fact.
[Ken] Is that why you chose to go public with your story now? The twenty-year anniversary?
[Monica] Well, I hadn't really thought about it until just now, so no, Mr. Adams. Our reason for going public now is that Chandler and I felt that perhaps my story could help empower other survivors and also help inform voters.
[Chandler] Yeah, so anyway, as Mon was saying, it was roughly 20-years ago...
[Monica] Now, that I'm thinking about it, it was the weekend of October 23rd -25th, 1998, to be exact.
[Chandler] Nobody needed you to be that exact, but whatever...
[Monica] Nobody needed you to interrupt me but you still did that now didn't you?
[Ken] Monica, please continue.
[Monica] Anyway, as I was saying, Chandler and I were really new in our relationship and we were still hiding it from our friends so we decided to have a weekend getaway to get a break from all of the sneaking around.
[Chandler] We told our friends that we both had out-of-town work conferences. It was genius, except for one small detail. Monica decided to say her conference was in New Jersey without consulting me. Had she consulted me, she would've found out that my fake conference was already in New Jersey so it would have made more sense for her fake-conference to be somewhere else as to not arouse suspicion.
[Monica] You're doing it again.
[Chandler] What?
[Monica] Interrupting me. So, once again, as I was saying, Chandler and I went away to Atlantic City for a romantic getaway weekend and immediately started fighting.
[Ken] Why were you fighting?
[Monica] Chandler was obsessed with watching some stupid car chase from the moment we got there and when I called him out for being inconsiderate, he called me, "Mom."
[Chandler] Umm, actually...the reason we were fighting and not having fun is that you made us change rooms 17 times upon arrival.
[Monica] Whatever, Speed Racer. So, even though we were fighting, we decided to grab dinner together on Saturday and as we were walking back into the lobby of the hotel after dinner, to our great surprise, we saw Donald Trump waiting for an elevator in the lobby.
[Chandler] Kenny, as you might imagine, I'm not big on videography. Having said that, I just so happened to have a video camera on this particular occasion. It was a video camera that belonged to my roommate at the time, Joey Tribianni. He had brought it with him on a trip to London and also used it when our other friend Phoebe had her brother's triplets.
[Monica] Tell him why you, a non-viroegraphy enthusiast, had Joey's camera on our trip to New Jersey.
[Chandler] Monica and I wanted to use it in the hotel room on our weekend get-a-way for...
[Monica] Excuse me, Monica and I?
[Chandler] I wanted to use it in our hotel room that weekend to try a thing I learned in Maxim Magazine.
[Ken] I'm sorry, did you say your friend Phoebe had her brother's triplets?
[Chandler] Story for another time, Kenny. Story for another time.
[Monica] Chandler, get on with your videotape part already.
[Chandler] Sorry, Mon, TMI? Okay, anyway...as soon as we approached and I realized it was Donald Trump waiting for the elevator, I thought I could one-up Joey's footage of him and Fergie (he got her on camera on the aforementioned London trip) by getting Trump to be on camera with Monica.
[Monica] So we approached Donald Trump and Chandler asked if we could get footage of him posing for a hug with me.
[Chandler] At first he seemed approachable and amenable to our request.
[Monica] Oh, man, did that quickly change. As soon as he turned his attention from Chandler to me, something changed in his demeanor. He put a TicTac in his mouth and he moved on me. I was shocked because Chandler was standing right there. I stepped aside and quickly reported that the guy that had asked for the picture is my boyfriend. He mumbled that he didn't care and something about being a star. He had become so tunnel-visioned with his infatuation for me, he hadn't even noticed that Chandler had lifted to camera and was now filming him.
[Chandler] To my complete astonishment, in front of a lobby full of people, he approached Monica again and stuck his and out to grab her...
[Monica] Luckily, my brother once taught me some martial artists and so I used the concept of Unagi to sense what this pervert was attempting to do and to quickly react by karate chopping Donald Trump's hand away before he had successfully grabbed my private area. He was extremely agitated at my ability to defend myself and angrily screamed at me, "You're supposed to let me do this, you rotten bitch. Whatever, you're a dog anyway. If you worked for me, I'd tell you, 'You're fired.' Have a nice life regretting turning down the best thing that ever happened to you."
[Chandler] Without ever once turning back to me to notice that I was filming, Donald Trump stormed onto the elevator and his scowling, pumpkin face disappeared behind the elevator doors as they closed.
[Ken] Tell me you got the whole thing on tape.
[Chandler] Could I have gotten any more of the whole thing on tape?
[Ken] That's a yes?
[Monica] Yes, that's Chandler's dumb-ass way of saying yes.
[Ken] I've heard whispers from many other journalists over the past couple of years about the existence of an Elevator Tape. Are you telling me...?
[Chandler] Exactly Ken, my man. I shot the Elevator Tape!
[Monica] Well, I starred in it! So I win!
[Chandler] Yes, dear, as always...you win. Anyway, Kenny...see the common misconception among the journalistic rumors is that the incident took place in Trump Towers when in fact, it happened at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City before Trump was forced to declare bankruptcy there. What a loser, I mean, you've got to be pretty bad a business to bankrupt a casino. Any of my colleagues in the advertising world, you see, I'm in advertising...
[Monica] Chandler, shut up.
[Chandler] Yes, dear.
[Ken] Well, I must say, this is an incredible development one week before the midterms. And you're willing to release the tape today to theLeftAhead for us to make available to the public?
[Monica] We are, Ken. This has been a tough decision, I really value my privacy. I actually almost came forward in 2016, but when so many other women came forward after the Access Hollywood tape, I assumed that Trump's sexual misconduct would be a disqualifying for him to become President of the United States. I assumed he would lose the election without me needing to come forward and I could go on living my private life. To this day, it still boggles my mind that that disgusting, pervert won. I have had a nagging thought in my mind ever since. What kind of message does excusing Donald Trump's sexual misconduct by electing him president send to our kids? What kind of example do our children currently have in the White House? My kids, Jack and Erica, will be eligible to vote for the first time in the 2020 Presidential Election and I fear if the voters don't provide a check on his power in the midterms, there may not be a 2020 election. The stakes are too high this time. I had to come forward. I had to speak out. If our interview and our releasing of the infamous Elevator Tape helps persuade one person to vote on Tuesday, November 6th who was planning to sit the midterms out, then the sacrifice of our privacy will be worth it.
[Ken] Monica, Chandler, thank you.
[Monica] Thanks, Ken.
[Chandler] Thanks, Kenny.
Fin.
I hope you've enjoyed our horror story. The scariest part? While our Halloween tale is hyperbole, it is not really an exaggerated portrayal of the behavior of the real-life Donald Trump and the fact that this behavior was not disqualifying for him to be elected to the most distinguished position in our government is a true indictment on our society and its erosion of decency. For two years now, we've been living in the aftermath of what Thomas Friedman aptly coined our Moral 9/11 and Election 2018 is our chance to Make America Good Again. One week from Tuesday, we need to make Lady Liberty the new face of the Me Too Movement and say #TimesUp on the deal with the devil that the Republican Party made in order to be in control of our government - their choice to be complicit in Donald Trump's assault on the moral fabric of the United States of America. Help make sure that their cynical, win-at-all-costs degradation of our values will not prevail in the end. Vote for a Blue Wave of decency on November 6th.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica and Chandler go on a weekend getaway to get a break from all of their sneaking around, Rachel's family dog LaPoo dies which causes her to start getting nose bleeds, Ross (temporarily set back by Rachel's nose bleeds) finally tells her that he has promised Emily to stop seeing her in order to get Emily to come to New York, Phoebe agrees to Rachel's plot to start a new group and decides to recruit Joey for it, Joey figures out that Chandler and Monica are hooking up and then promises them he won't tell anyone else, and Monica and Chandler get in a huge fight on their weekend getaway but then Monica explains to Chandler that couples in an adult relationship can work through a fight while indicating to him that she wants to make up followed by him indicating, "me too."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are in Monica's bedroom pretending to flip Monica's mattress but really attempting to wait out an expected fight between Ross and Rachel. Chandler is listening intently out into the living room through the door. Phoebe asks him, "Can you hear anything?" Chandler sarcastically responds, "Oh yes, somebody just said, 'Can you hear anything?'” Monica looks over across the room to see Joey bending over on the other side of her bed. She asks, "Hey, Joey's ass, what are you doing?" Joey raises back up holding a box that he pulled out from under the bed and reports, "Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here." Looking through the box, Monica says, "Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles…" Before she can finish, Phoebe interjects, "Ooh, Madlibs, mine!" She proceeds to snatch up the MadLibs. Glancing in the box, Chandler asks Joey, "Condoms?" Joey defensively explains, "You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth." [The Knockout] Using his interrogation technique as if it were a sharp blade, Chandler questions, "And condoms are the way to do that?"
Featured Image Source: Pikara Magazine
Headline Image Source: HuffPost
The Empty Vase
Season 3, Episode 12
Friends S3:E12 - Hiya. How are all of my incredible friends doing today on this our final convening of the Obama presidency? Happy MLK Day to all! In what is rapidly becoming an annual tradition for the Friends 20/20 blog series, I intend to keep today's festivities short and sweet out of respect for those things that are desperately more important than sitcoms and pop culture. I'm sure many of you were out at your local marches and rallies this morning out of respect for the "fierce urgency of now." Many of you have, likewise, spent some of the day reflecting on where you stand during this time of "challenge and controversy." Having both been moved to action this morning and having spent the early part of the afternoon in reflection, I'm sitting down now to fulfill my obligation to this blog series with only one thought in my mind about today's episode. The empty vase. The empty vase was the symbolism that Julio, the pretentious waiter in Monica's diner, used to insult American women. Today, during this important day of action and reflection, those words ring in my mind in association with our incoming President. Donald J. Trump has absolutely zero plans for putting in place policies that will help America's working families yet, somehow, he was able to fool just enough working Americans into believing that he does to earn the necessary votes to squeeze out an Electoral College victory in last November's election. There's no doubt in mind that, when it comes to making America great again for working families, Donald Trump and his presidency are and will be an empty vase. In fact, Trump is such an empty vase that he is ceding power to people who seek to do harm to America's working families. Already plans are in place to repeal the Affordable Care Act, for example, and take healthcare away from 20 million people. There is nothing Christian or conservative about repealing Obamacare. I believe the words we're looking for to describe this Republican priority are immoral and pernicious. Indeed, Donald Trump filled his campaign "vase" full of hot air and after enough Americans sucked it up, the vultures have swooped in to fill the vacuum that was left. These are troubled times in America. We the overruled majority, who knew a Trump presidency would be disastrous, must prepare (starting Friday) to be vigilant about doing the onerous work of resistance but we must also be ready to mobilize the working men and women who supported Trump's candidacy as soon as they come to the realization that they were duped into supporting an empty vase. Of course, some of them will never come to that realization, but many will. And we must be prepared to welcome them into the struggle rather than cast them aside for their role in creating this mess. If we can do this, my friends, there is no reason why we shouldn't have hope that this chapter of darkness we are about to enter can be short-lived. I leave you today to chew on that thought with the accompanying words of wisdom from the incomparable Dr. King:
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”
Onward. To the recap and then the struggle that awaits.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica gets a crush on Julio (a waiter at the Moondance Diner), Chandler organizes a bachelor party for his anti-social cousin Albert, Ross obsessives over his concern for Rachel's co-worker Mark during her first week at her new job, Rachel later obsesses over Ross setting up a play date for Ben and the son of the stripper from Albert's bachelor party, Joey gets put in charge of dance choreography during an audition because he lied on his résumé about having extensive dance training, Phoebe discovers that a poem Julio wrote for Monica is derogatory and insulting, and in the end, a barber shop quartet roasts that butt munch Julio and proves that in fact, he is the empty vase.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Ross, Rachel and Chandler are at Central Perk. Ross is informing Rachel that he needs to leave for Ben's play date with the stripper from the bachelor party Chandler organized for his cousin. Upon receiving the news, Rachel is fidgeting and looking visibly upset. Ross asks her, "Are you jealous?" Rachel sheepishly responds, "No. I, ya'know...I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any, ya'know, other stripper mom friends of her own?" Coming right off of apologizing for his own ridiculous jealousy spat, an emboldened Ross declares, "You are totally jealous." Rachel defensively answers, "I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things, ya'know, about strippers. And ya'know, and um, I..." Ross signals that he's leaving and cuts her off by saying, "Honey, I love you too." Rachel looking defeated moans, "Ugh." Suddenly a light bulb seems to go off in her head and she calls out, "wait, wait wait" after Ross before he gets out the front door. He turns around and asks, "What?" Rachel proceeds to give him an incredibly passionate kiss. Looking dazed, Ross exclaims, "huh" as he walks out the door. Rachel then turns to Chandler and brags, "Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, ya'know?" [The Knockout] Raining on Rachel's parade, Chandler observes, "Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper."
Featured Image Source: Bustle
Headline Image Source: Heavenly Creation Florist & Decor
Thread the Needle
Season 3, Episode 8
Friends S3:E8 - God, it was awful. Like many Americans, it was one of the most disturbing nights of my life. It just felt so violating. Not because conservatism was upsetting progressivism. As unfortunate as the political ramifications are, I've lived through tough election beats before. They hurt, for sure, but nothing like this. This was violating on a much deeper level. Because this election, at his core, had become a referendum on decency, there was a feeling of utter disgust upon realizing that maleficence could win out. And that was the worst part. When the outcome was still unknown. The uncertainty early in the night on Tuesday was unbearable. It was beyond gut wrenching during those hours after racism had stormed to an early lead. You know, when we knew but at the same time, we didn't yet know. Those hours were horrible, watching and praying as it become more and more improbable, but holding out hope against all logic that somehow Hillary Clinton was going to thread the needle and stage a massive comeback in Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan on behalf decency in America. It didn't happen and like every other decent American, I was crushed that a sexual predator became our President-elect. Look, I'm not going to lie. We are on day six of Trump'sAmerica. I'm still grieving and heartbroken. Before it became clear on Tuesday night that we were experiencing one of the biggest political upsets in American history, I assumed that I would do a full post-election analyses today and be able to put a nice little bow on politics for the foreseeable future. I was looking forward to returning to the people's work of deconstructing 20 year old episodes of Friends. Given the circumstances, I'm not emotionally or intellectually able to do that yet, so forgive me...but we may need to return to politics one more time before we take our winter break. Ted James, theLeftAhead Editor-in-chief asked me to also relay to readers that he intends to write his own postmortem piece on the election of Donald Trump before the end of 2016. We should all be looking forward to that (no sarcasm intended, despite all of our lampooning of one another...in all seriousness, Ted is an excellent political thinker and writer). Finally, for those of you who were wondering if I would even return to write the column this week because of the joke I made last Monday indicating that if Trump won the election, the Friends 20/20 blog series would be cancelled because there would be much more urgency in theLeftAhead offices to write about things of far greater importance than dissecting 20 year old sitcom episodes, let me assuage your fears. I've given it a lot of thought this week and the conclusion that I've reached is that hate won the battle on Tuesday but if we give in out of fear and start reorganizing our affairs in response, then we are allowing hate to win the war. It boggles my mind that I'm about to evoke George W. Bush, but I'm about to evoke George W. Bush. To paraphrase, he argued that if Americans stopped living our lives after 9/11, the terrorists win. Similarly, if we stop living our lives now that somebody as deplorable (pun intended) and dangerous as Donald J. Trump has been elected President of the United States of America, hate wins. Therefore, the Friends 20/20 blog series continues! Plus, given the flexibility that I have to speak on current events in this column, I can continue to use this platform as a bully pulpit to voice my opposition to everything that a Trump presidency represents. The resistance is already underway. Hallelujah. On that note, ladies and gentlemen...Kate McKinnon. See you next week.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe is scared to go to the dentist because every time she goes someone she knows dies, Joey informs Chandler that he saw Janice making out with her soon-to-be ex-husband, Ross trusts Rachel to babysit Ben because he knows Monica will also be home but Monica ends up banging Ben's head on a wooden ceiling beam, Rachel and Monica try to hide Ben's injury by dressing him up in a Rainy Day Bear's rain suit, Chandler decides to break up with Janice to give her a chance to make her family work, and Joey, Ross, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe use a giant poking device to thread the needle through an open window across the street and poke Ugly Naked Guy as he lay dormant to make sure Phoebe didn't kill him by going to the dentist.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch - Towards the end of the episode, Phoebe concludes that the curse of someone dying when she goes to the dentist has been broken after she calls everyone she knows. Joey immediately looks out the window across the street and notices that Ugly Naked Guy is laying dormant with the window open. Phoebe becomes worried that he is dead because of her curse so Joey organizes the group to fashion a giant poking device to see if he's alive. Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Monica proceed to thread the needle of getting their giant poking device across the street and through Ugly Naked Guys window. Once they start poking him, he starts stirring which gives the gang the relief of knowing that he wasn't dead but rather in deep hibernation.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe are over at Monica and Rachel's apartment hanging out with Rachel. Rachel hands Phoebe a brownie and offers one to Chandler and Ross. Chandler and Ross both accept and take a brownie but then see Phoebe groan and spit hers out. Chandler responds to this by saying, "Okay, I'm not going to have one." In turn, Ross chimes in, "Neither will I" and they both put their brownies back on the plate. Seeing this, Phoebe reports, "No, no. It's just my tooth." Hearing this, Chandler changes his mind and says, "Alright, I'll have one." Both Ross and he re-grab a brownie from the plate. Ross then asks Phoebe, "So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one." Phoebe responds, "No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him." [The Knockout] Laying the snark on so thick, he could have used it to butter toast, Chandler observes, "See that is the problem with invisible dentists."
Video Source: Saturday Night Live on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Quartz
Headline Image Source: Heavy.com
Mr. Big Shot
Season 3, Episode 7
Friends S3:E7 - Okay, boys and girls. Here we are less than 24 hours away from Election Day in the United States of America. Today we will either be writing post number 53 in our 236 part Friends 20/20 blog series, or, if Donald Trump gets elected tomorrow, we will be writing post number 53 in our 53 part Oh Shit, Writing About a 20 Year Old Sitcom Doesn't Matter Anymore Because the World Might Come To An End At Any Moment blog series. Clearly, anyone who has been following along with this column already knows how I feel. I'm no fan of Secretary Clinton but her opponent is the most unqualified and dangerous major party nominee in the history of the United States of America. That's right, boys and girls. We have a real Mr. Big Shot running for president. And not the good 'Chauncey Billups draining a clutch jumper to win a playoff game' kind of Mr. Big Shot but the bad 'Donald Trump crass, self-centered, narcissistic sociopath' kind of Mr. Big Shot. Unfortunately for us, the type of Mr. Big Shot and the actual person running for president are one and the same. Even if we set aside the fact that he is too temperamental to be trusted with the nuclear codes and that suffering through even four more years with a climate denier in charge of our government could have catastrophic consequences, how can we conform Donald Trump's behavior during the campaign to the dignity that the office of the presidency requires for America's children? We all know the laundry list of vulnerable populations in our society as well as individuals that this man has insulted over the past 18 months. Therefore, there is no need for me to rehash this very long and painful laundry list. My question remains, though, how can we possible tell our children that it's not okay to be a bully after they've witnessed a bully getting rewarded by being elected President of the United States? Forget liberal vs. conservative, establishment vs. populism, and everything else that the media has told us this decision was supposed to be about. Our election tomorrow has now become a referendum on decency in the United States of American. I can only pray that indecency does not win the day. And that's all I really want to say about the election. I'll admit, though, it's really hard to focus on writing a pop culture column today. For whatever reason, I'm really nervous about this election and I just want if finally to all be over (assuming that Secretary Clinton wins). I'm sure that reading my in depth analyses about all of tomfoolery that Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Joey got themselves into 20 years ago today is probably very low on your list of priorities as well. That being the case, I'll close my opening remarks by sharing the behind the scenes footage from an Access Hollywood tape of Donald Trump that we all know but should also all watch one more time before we vote. If there is any decency left in our country, this should be an automatic disqualification for the presidency. Do not elect this man as your president, America.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross can't get along with Rachel's dad, Joey starts teaching soap opera acting at a local community college, Chandler call Janice's soon-to-be ex-husband a wank when they see he is using the divorce to sell mattresses on his television commercials, (after seeing the sales offers in the commercial) Monica shops for a new mattress at the Mattress King and ends up with a race car bed when Phoebe signs her name to approve delivery, and Ross goes from Mr. Big Shot to bonding with Rachel's dad over making fun of Bobby Bobby (her chiropractor).
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler is alone in Monica's room sitting on her race car bed and fantasizing about driving a real car out in traffic. Perfectly content to be lost in his own little daydream, Chandler mimics the noises that his car would make and then yells out to an imaginary fellow commuter, "Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom!" He goes on to mimic the sound of his tires screeching as he comes to a stop and looks over to apparently see an attractive women. He yells out, "Hey-hey good lookin’!" and proceeds to honk the bed's horn in approval. As he puts his imaginary car back in gear, yelling, "Varrrrrrrrroom" some more, he notices that Rachel has walked into Monica's room and his observing his behavior with a stone-faced look. He acknowledges her presence and says, "Alright, I'll leave." [The Knockout] As he gets up from the bed and begins to leave the room, Chandler informs Rachel, "My bed’s so boring."
Amazing Discoveries
Season 3, Episode 4
Friends S3:E4 - "There's got to be a better way!" Turning to my Amazing Discoveries co-host, "Wow. That's really profound and topical, Kevin. After watching that debate last night, I think you're flingin'-flangin' right." Hey there, everybody. Have you caught your breath from witnessing Donald Trump's attempt to drag the entire country through the mud last night? Speaking of amazing discoveries, Trump's Access Hollywood video, tho. Now that's what I call an October surprise. On second thought, strike that. Is Trump bragging about he can get away with sexually assaulting women because he's a celebrity really an amazing discovery? Isn't that really par for the course at this point? I mean wouldn't the real October surprise have been if a tape like this hadn't been leaked less than 30 days before the election? Are you really going to watch the way this bumbling bully lurked over Secretary Clinton's shoulder as she was addressing voters last night during the debate and still try to convince me that America's most famous racist narcissist doesn't also have a penchant for chauvinism? Regardless of whether Trump's offensive tape was an amazing discovery or simply par for the course for the least qualified presidential candidate in American history, I'm glad it's out there and working to diminish his chances of winning the election. Of course Trump's reaction to the latest scandal was predictably to try and pull Bill and Hillary Clinton down in the gutter with him in by deploying a scorched earth strategy. He may have effectively rallied his base with that strategy, but I think for most reasonable Americans...the damage is done. It should be crystal clear by now that this is not a hard choice. Bottom line: voting for Donald Trump is flat out irresponsible. Anybody who thinks about this election rationally and soberly understands that Hillary Clinton is the only choice.
That being said, I think Democrats are on shaking ground trying to present Hillary Clinton as the moral authority in this race. There is no question that she and Former President Clinton have also had moral shortcomings in their careers and it is because of those moral shortcoming that the "vast right-wing conspiracy" is able to generate the fuel it needs to allow Donald Trump to hang around and still have an outside shot at becoming President of the United States. If the Democratic Party wanted to be the moral authority in this election in order to obliterate Trump's candidacy (and take back the Senate, the House, and a few state houses in the process) there was a candidate in the race we could have nominated. That candidate was Bernie Sanders. Can you imagine how differently the second debate would have gone if Trump was going up against Bernie Sanders' moral leadership instead of being able to grab on to the Clinton's shortcomings and drag them down in the gutter with him? The Republican establishment has a lot of soul searching to do for allowing someone as utterly unacceptable as Donald Trump to become their party's nominee but the Democratic establishment has a lot of soul searching to do as well for insisting on running a flawed candidate against him and subsequently tipping the scales in the primary to ensure their desired outcome. The sky would have been the limit on the amount of progressive change we could have ushered in in the first 100 days of a Bernie Sanders presidency if his political revolution had been given the opportunity to clean Trump's clock and wipe out Republican majorities up and down the ballot. Bernie's new age New Deal governing could have made a real difference in the lives of working families and perhaps given us one last crack at doing something meaningful to address climate change before it's too late. Sadly, this vision for a new era of progressivism is just conjecture. Sure, I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because she is the only responsible choice. At the same time, I will never forgive the Democratic establishment for tipping the scales in the 2016 primaries and squandering a once in a generation opportunity (putting us at risk of a Trump presidency in the process). And I will never forget.On that note, let's talk Friends for a hot second, shall we? In today's episode, Chandler dives head first into powering through the metaphorical commitment tunnel and comes out the other side taking a smothering approach to dating Janice while Ross struggles with a dangerous gender stereotype in his approach to parenting when he decides that he's uncomfortable with Barbie being Ben's favorite toy. Phoebe pretends to be Joey's agent and Janice surprises Monica and Rachel by not getting scared away by Chandler's clinging behavior. All of that pales in comparison, however, to when Monica brilliantly steals the show by outing Ross's cross-dressing childhood. Not only do we discover that Ross dressed in his mother's clothes as a child to throw tea parties in the backyard, but on top of that...he asked his family to call him Bea. Finally, the cherry on top was Monica revealing that there was even a song that went a little something like...
I am Bea.I drink tea.Won't you dance around with me?
Oh man, my Friends heart is filled with joy after reliving that classic Ross moment. If this election has got you worried, stressed, or angry just remember to pull out your metaphorical Milk Master 2000, think about Ross hosting tea parties as his alter ego, Bea and then tell yourself, "Now I can have milk every day!" Until next week...stay thirsty, my fans of Friends.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler goes all Chandler and gives in to his fear of commitment but then allows Monica and Rachel to convince him to overcompensate and scare Janice away, Ross has trouble adjusting to the news that Barbie is Ben's favorite toy, Phoebe forgets to give Joey a message about an audition and then pretends to be his agent to make up for it, and (despite his obsessive behavior) Janice still calls Chandler back which is an amazing discovery for Monica and Rachel because in their experience...a man would never call back if they had acted in a relationship the way Chandler had with Janice.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch - Rachel is at her place with Ross and notices (while walking by with a laundry basket) that Ugly Naked Guy is still naked but that his dog is wearing a sweater.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel and Monica are across the hall consoling Chandler for freaking out Janice and ruining his relationship with her. They had just determined that the situation was critical enough to go and grab the good ice cream for Chandler when the phone rings. Chandler answers and realizes that it is Janice. He asks her, "Can you hold on a second?" He then turns to Monica and Rachel and asks, "What do I do?" Rachel quickly answers, "I don't know what to do. This is totally unprecedented." Monica follows, "If we ever did what you did, a man would never call." Monica lights up and continues, "Oh wait, I've got it. I've got it. Pretend like you just woke up. Okay? That'll throw her off. Be sleepy." Rachel chimes in, "Yes! And grumpy." [The Knockout] Visibly annoyed, Chandler looks back and forth at Monica and Rachel and barks, "What are you--? Stop naming dwarfs."
Hold Me Close Young Tony Danza
Season 3, Episode 1
Friends S3:E1 - But oh how it feels so real lying here with no one near. Only you and you can hear me when I say softly...(pause)...slowly...(wait for it)...hold me close young Tony Danza. Count the headlights on the highway. YO! YO! YO! How the heck are you, my BFGFF's (Big Freindly Giant Friends Fans)? Can you believe it? After a long and relaxing summer break, we're finally back for the third installment of Friends 20/20. I can honestly say that I've really missed you guys. Sure, full disclosure, I had an incredible summer drifting from beach to beach; relaxing and soaking in rays for weeks on end with umbrella drinks never more than an arm's length away. It may be hard to believe, but alas...like all good things in life, my good people, eventually all of that relaxation played its course. I know, I know, poor pampered me. But it's true. Eventually I grew tired of endless pina coladas and bonfires, so I returned stateside a few weeks early (right before Labor Day weekend). I quickly realized, however, that foregoing a couple of extra weeks of moon parties was a mistake because over the past couple of weeks, I've been bored out of my gourd waiting for my beloved Mission: Impossible assignment to resume today. In fact, there are rumors swirling around the theLeftAhead office that I was so bored these past couple of weeks, I even resorted to binge watching episodes of Saved By the Bell on Netflix to pass the time. (Oh the humanity!) Those rumors will neither be confirmed or denied. Of course, soon after my return, Ted James (my editor) quickly pointed out that one way for me to pass the time would be for me to contribute some political commentary to our Election 2016 coverage (he's constantly reminding me that I was a Poli Sci major, afterall) or to finally follow through on my promise to write some non-Friends related pop culture content for the site. But sadly, I could not be convinced that 1,500 words on the second season of Mr. Robot was a better use of my time than reliving (for the dozenth time) the teen angst torture Zack Morris experienced while trying to outduel A.C. Slater for the affection of one Kelly Kapowski. Sure, things like keeping my word and being a team player at work are important to me but let's be reasonable...time reserved for binge watching SBTB is an important part of any healthy work-life balance. I mean, it's not as if I was blowing off an opportunity to add some much needed content to theLeftAhead in order to binge watch Good Morning, Miss Bliss or Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Let's keep it 💯. I was mainlining the hardest of the hardcore pique SBTB episodes directly into my bloodstream. You know, episodes like the one where Jessie Spano develops a pill popping addiction, or the one where Zack deals with the pitfalls of fame as the lead singer of Zack Attack, or the one where Screech stabs someone (perhaps I'm misremembering that last one). Anyway, as I was saying...reliving the quintessential years of SBTB is an important part of a healthy work-life balance. Of course, when Mr. James caught wind of the rumor that I was allegedly blowing off his suggestion to write a post about Mr. Robot in order to binge watch Saved by the Bell, he proposed that I write a post about Saved by the Bell instead since I'm watching it anyway. As he put it, "if you're hellbent on pissing away your last two Friendless weeks binging old Saved by the Bell episodes, the least you can do is let the site get some mileage out of your sloth." He's such a dick.
But enough about me. We've got a brand spanking new 20 year old episode of Friends to lightly touch upon (I mean, diligently dissect). When last we left our pals, Chandler had just gotten back together with Janice Litman [née Hosenstein] (his married ex-girlfriend) and Monica had just broken up with Magnum, P.I. (I mean Dr. Richard Burke). The story resumes seemingly just a few weeks later as we find that Chandler and Janice are still happily together and we also find that Monica is still in mourning over her and Richard's break up. These story lines continue playing out for the duration of the Season Three premiere but the most noteworthy anecdote from this week's episode comes when Ross has quite a revelation (when Rachel informs him of that women share with each other very intimate details about their romantic relationships) and decides to try sharing with Chandler. At first, it seems to be a good idea as Chandler quickly relates when Ross shares with him his Princess Leia fantasy. Things go south rather quickly, however, when Chandler subsequently shares that he pictures his own mother in his head sometimes while having sex (my man's got issues, yo). Hilarity ensues when the uncovering of this disturbing information later causes Ross to accidentally picture his own mom while trying to play out his Princess Leia fantasy with Rachel. Joey steals the show, however, after returning home from Joey and Janices Day of Fun when he tells Chandler that he and Janice had run into Ross at Central Perk and Ross had subsequently relayed what Chandler had shared with him. Joey consoles Chandler by telling him it happens to him too. When Chandler, feeling reassured, seeks confirmation by asking, "Really?" Joey responds, "Oh yeah. I always picture your mom while I'm having sex." Burn. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Speaking of burn, I've got burnt orange on my mind. No, not burnt orange like the Texas Longhorns (who blew a game to Cal that they should have won on Saturday). Yes, burnt orange like Donald Trump's hair and skin. You see where I'm going with this, right? I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up on commentary from our Season Two finale by giving my two cents regarding the current state of Election 2016 during our Season Three premiere. If you are a loyal reader of the blog series, you already to know that I was all in on feeling the bern last spring. Therefore, as you can probably guess, I'm sad to report that there are not chicks and ducks in the world again because Bernie Sanders is unfortunately not well on his way to the White House. Instead we have a General Election match up of Secretary Hillary Clinton vs. Megalomaniac Donald Trump. Damn, this sucks. Considering that this not only sucks but really, really sucks...I don't have a great deal to say at this point. (I'll save my next extended political rant for closer to the election.) Having said that I don't have a great deal to say, I will say this visa vie the following...as the race stands today, I'm planning to vote for Hillary Clinton (I am not, however, planning to endorse her candidacy). I will not attempt to persuade you to vote for or against Mrs. Clinton during our time together over the coming weeks. You won't get the, you must vote for Secretary Clinton because she is the lesser of two evils argument here. I personally have mixed feelings about whether a vote for Jill Stein is productive or counter-productive (we can explore this more in the forthcoming rant that I teased earlier). So no, I do not know if the you must vote for Secretary Clinton because she is the lesser of two evils argument boasts a sound moral foundation, but I do know one thing. No matter what you choose to do in this Saved by the Bell: The College Years crap-fest dumpster fire that is the 2016 General Election, please think very carefully about making sure that whatever you choose to do does not contribute to the election of Donald John Trump. If you need a reminder of why that would be such a future-jeopardizing disaster, just watch this. Finally (if you will indulge me), hey Ted James. Do you like apples? I just gave you exactly what you've been bugging me for these past two weeks (some Saved by the Bell pop culture content as well as some Election 2016 content) and I did it all without having to lift one extra finger or write one extra word outside of my contractual obligation. How you like dem apples? (Mic drop.) Adams out.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica is still mourning her and Richard's break up, Ross shares his Star Wars fantasy with Rachel, Joey tries to get over his dislike of Janice so he can spend more time with Chandler, Phoebe attempts to guide Monica in medication to help her get over Richard, Chandler shares with Ross a disturbing glimpse into his sex life, and Ross may as well have been singing "Hold Me Close Young Tony Danza" in bed with Rachel because he can't stop picturing Rachel as his mother when she dresses up as Princess Leia to fulfill his fantasy.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are hanging out at Central Perk talking about how Joey hates Janice when Rachel notices that Monica is outside visibly distraught and holding a package from the Post Office. Monica seems to be simultaneously crying and speaking rapidly at her friends through the coffee shop's window. Indicating to everyone else to look outside, Rachel exclaims, "Oh my god." [The Knockout] Relishing the opportunity to crush a pitch that's hanging over the plate out of the park, Chandler observes, "Well look everybody, it's Weepy. The mime who cares too much."
Featured Image Source: Chicago Tribune
Headline Image Source: She Does the City
This Is Huge
Season 2, Episode 1
Friends S2:E1 - Oh. My. God. It is such a thrill to be back for my second season blogging Friends for theLeftAhead. I'm back with renewed energy and a new attitude about the task at hand. Yep, gone are the negative disposition and lukewarm commitment of last season and here in their place are swimming pools full of Red Bull on the ready for serving an endless supply of energy to my inner-Rudy Ruettiger. That's right...this year I'm getting my Kevin Garnett on by staring down the remaining nine years of this project and screaming "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE." How, you ask, was I able to accomplish such a dramatic reversal from my negative approach to last season? (An approach that quite honestly should have gotten me fired during a "when keeping it real goes terribly wrong" moment with my editor-n-chief.) Well, you inquisitive reader you, I'd be happy to answer your question. Let me tell you a little secret. Four months away from a word processor can be extremely therapeutic for a disillusioned writer. I've been on a beach (with an umbrella drink in my hand) for 120 straight days. Until this morning, I hadn't as much as looked at a computer or thought about a deadline for 2880 straight hours. Essentially, I've been living Peter Gibbons fantasy since May 19th and let me tell you, Bob...it's been everything I thought it could be. Indeed, four months of doing nothing has a way of putting you in a perpetual state of zen. But since all good things must come to an end, I was fearful that coming back to work would seriously harsh my chi. So when I fired up my trusty Macbook this morning to begin working on the second leg of my psychotic half-baked ten leg marathon of a blog series, I suspected I'd feel dread the second I heard that annoying tone the computer makes during the Apple logo screen. To my surprise, it was not dread I felt but rather excitement. I discovered that I'm actually fired up to tackle the challenge at hand. (Thanks, inherited wealth and seasonal employment.) Batteries? Recharged.
As theLeftAhead's pop culture writer, many of you might have been hoping that I would do a few pieces over the course of the summer on some happenings in pop culture other than this, my regular column. After all, there was a lot going on during the summer from the explosion of Mr. Robot upon the television landscape, to Kanye West proclaiming "I've got next" by announcing his 2020 presidential run, to the biggest pop culture phenomenon of recent memory: Donald Trump bamboozling a portion of the American public into believing that he is a legitimate threat to win the White House in our current election cycle. More on Trump in a moment, but for those of you who were hoping to see me serving theLeftAhead a supply of non-Friends pop culture content these past few months...I apologize for taking the summer off and I hope to make it up to you in coming weeks and months by taking this Friends 20/20 project to another level. And since so many of you have been requesting it, I'll also do my best to start tackling some non-Friends topics here and there. I mean, how hard could it be to write two blog posts in a week from time to time? Well, loyal readers, I wouldn't know but you have my commitment that I will try my best to find out in the very near future. Okay, back to Trump. The Donald's campaign is making a mockery of our political system. It is disconcerting that this man's racist and misogynistic vitriol was not immediately and emphatically renounced by the American media, electorate, and most importantly by his fellow candidates for the Republican nomination. We, as a country, should be collectively ashamed that Trump's poisonous rhetoric and utter lack of substantive policy proposals has not only not been repudiated, but instead has rewarded him with a sizable lead for the nomination of one of our two major political parties a mere five months before the first primaries. If you're a Trump supporter (and I suspect that you're not considering that enjoyment of the witty prose that I serve up in this column requires the possession of critical thinking skills that have been scientifically proven to cure Trump fever), please reconsider that support before February. If I can leave you with one little nugget of wisdom on this our first day back to school, I would tell you that elections matter. We are electing our next Commander-In-Chief, not our next favorite reality television personality. This is huge. (Like Rachel showing up to meet Ross at the airport with flowers huge.) As a still possible candidate in the 2016 race would say, "this is a big fucking deal." We, as Americans, should start acting like it. On that note, on to the recap. It's good to be back.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Rachel discovers that Ross has met someone in China after she goes to the airport to welcome him home and reveal her feelings, Joey's tailor takes advantage of Chandler when he goes in for a fitting, Phoebe mistakenly gives Monica a haircut to look like Dudley Moore when Monica asked for a haircut to look like Demi Moore, and Phoebe's observation that "this is huge" in reference to the idea of Rachel and Ross becoming a couple is completely destroyed when Rachel makes to terrible decision of hooking back up with Paulo in the aftermath of everyone realizing that Ross is head over heals smitten with his new girlfriend Julie.
Gandalf Gaffes - Boys and girls, we're starting Season Two off on the right foot by recording a Gandalf Gaffe in the official scorer's book. Our gaffe today is unusual because both the established precedent and the contradiction take place within today's episode. The precedent in question is the establishment of Ross's preexisting relationship with Julie. Early on in the episode, when Ross and Julie first show up at Monica and Rachel's apartment so that Julie can meet everyone, they reference having known each other prior to the China trip. After absorbing the shock of discovering that Ross has met someone in China, Monica asks, "This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?" Julie responds, "Well, Ross and I were in grad school together." Ross continues, "But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig?" The precedent has clearly been established that Ross knew Julie during his time in grad school. However, later in the episode when Chandler (with Rachel's urging) is grilling Ross for more information about the fact that he left on his China trip madly in love with Rachel and came back with a new girlfriend, Ross contradicts the established timeline of knowing Julie in grad school. When Chandler asks, "So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know." Ross responds, "Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you." Here in lies our gaffe. Ross infers that he 'met Julie' in China which contradicts the fact that he already knew her from grad school. This is admittedly nit-picky, but our mission is to uncover every Gandalf Gaffe no matter how large or small. Even though this is the tiniest of a level one infraction, it is a level one infraction nonetheless.Gandalf Gaffe #6: Early in the Season 2 premiere, Ross talks about having known Julie in grad school. Later in the episode he contradicts himself by suggesting that he met Julie for the first time during his dig in China.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Frankie (Joey's tailor) is taking Chandler's measurements. While down on the ground getting ready to measure Chandler's pants, Frankie asks, "How long do you want the cuffs?" [The Knockout] Chandler, with unbridled sarcasm answers, "At least as long as I have the pants."
Featured Image Source: ABC News
Headline Image Source: Metro.co.uk