Thread the Needle
Season 3, Episode 8
Friends S3:E8 - God, it was awful. Like many Americans, it was one of the most disturbing nights of my life. It just felt so violating. Not because conservatism was upsetting progressivism. As unfortunate as the political ramifications are, I've lived through tough election beats before. They hurt, for sure, but nothing like this. This was violating on a much deeper level. Because this election, at his core, had become a referendum on decency, there was a feeling of utter disgust upon realizing that maleficence could win out. And that was the worst part. When the outcome was still unknown. The uncertainty early in the night on Tuesday was unbearable. It was beyond gut wrenching during those hours after racism had stormed to an early lead. You know, when we knew but at the same time, we didn't yet know. Those hours were horrible, watching and praying as it become more and more improbable, but holding out hope against all logic that somehow Hillary Clinton was going to thread the needle and stage a massive comeback in Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan on behalf decency in America. It didn't happen and like every other decent American, I was crushed that a sexual predator became our President-elect. Look, I'm not going to lie. We are on day six of Trump'sAmerica. I'm still grieving and heartbroken. Before it became clear on Tuesday night that we were experiencing one of the biggest political upsets in American history, I assumed that I would do a full post-election analyses today and be able to put a nice little bow on politics for the foreseeable future. I was looking forward to returning to the people's work of deconstructing 20 year old episodes of Friends. Given the circumstances, I'm not emotionally or intellectually able to do that yet, so forgive me...but we may need to return to politics one more time before we take our winter break. Ted James, theLeftAhead Editor-in-chief asked me to also relay to readers that he intends to write his own postmortem piece on the election of Donald Trump before the end of 2016. We should all be looking forward to that (no sarcasm intended, despite all of our lampooning of one another...in all seriousness, Ted is an excellent political thinker and writer). Finally, for those of you who were wondering if I would even return to write the column this week because of the joke I made last Monday indicating that if Trump won the election, the Friends 20/20 blog series would be cancelled because there would be much more urgency in theLeftAhead offices to write about things of far greater importance than dissecting 20 year old sitcom episodes, let me assuage your fears. I've given it a lot of thought this week and the conclusion that I've reached is that hate won the battle on Tuesday but if we give in out of fear and start reorganizing our affairs in response, then we are allowing hate to win the war. It boggles my mind that I'm about to evoke George W. Bush, but I'm about to evoke George W. Bush. To paraphrase, he argued that if Americans stopped living our lives after 9/11, the terrorists win. Similarly, if we stop living our lives now that somebody as deplorable (pun intended) and dangerous as Donald J. Trump has been elected President of the United States of America, hate wins. Therefore, the Friends 20/20 blog series continues! Plus, given the flexibility that I have to speak on current events in this column, I can continue to use this platform as a bully pulpit to voice my opposition to everything that a Trump presidency represents. The resistance is already underway. Hallelujah. On that note, ladies and gentlemen...Kate McKinnon. See you next week.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe is scared to go to the dentist because every time she goes someone she knows dies, Joey informs Chandler that he saw Janice making out with her soon-to-be ex-husband, Ross trusts Rachel to babysit Ben because he knows Monica will also be home but Monica ends up banging Ben's head on a wooden ceiling beam, Rachel and Monica try to hide Ben's injury by dressing him up in a Rainy Day Bear's rain suit, Chandler decides to break up with Janice to give her a chance to make her family work, and Joey, Ross, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe use a giant poking device to thread the needle through an open window across the street and poke Ugly Naked Guy as he lay dormant to make sure Phoebe didn't kill him by going to the dentist.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch - Towards the end of the episode, Phoebe concludes that the curse of someone dying when she goes to the dentist has been broken after she calls everyone she knows. Joey immediately looks out the window across the street and notices that Ugly Naked Guy is laying dormant with the window open. Phoebe becomes worried that he is dead because of her curse so Joey organizes the group to fashion a giant poking device to see if he's alive. Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Monica proceed to thread the needle of getting their giant poking device across the street and through Ugly Naked Guys window. Once they start poking him, he starts stirring which gives the gang the relief of knowing that he wasn't dead but rather in deep hibernation.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe are over at Monica and Rachel's apartment hanging out with Rachel. Rachel hands Phoebe a brownie and offers one to Chandler and Ross. Chandler and Ross both accept and take a brownie but then see Phoebe groan and spit hers out. Chandler responds to this by saying, "Okay, I'm not going to have one." In turn, Ross chimes in, "Neither will I" and they both put their brownies back on the plate. Seeing this, Phoebe reports, "No, no. It's just my tooth." Hearing this, Chandler changes his mind and says, "Alright, I'll have one." Both Ross and he re-grab a brownie from the plate. Ross then asks Phoebe, "So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one." Phoebe responds, "No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him." [The Knockout] Laying the snark on so thick, he could have used it to butter toast, Chandler observes, "See that is the problem with invisible dentists."
Video Source: Saturday Night Live on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Quartz
Headline Image Source: Heavy.com
Amazing Discoveries
Season 3, Episode 4
Friends S3:E4 - "There's got to be a better way!" Turning to my Amazing Discoveries co-host, "Wow. That's really profound and topical, Kevin. After watching that debate last night, I think you're flingin'-flangin' right." Hey there, everybody. Have you caught your breath from witnessing Donald Trump's attempt to drag the entire country through the mud last night? Speaking of amazing discoveries, Trump's Access Hollywood video, tho. Now that's what I call an October surprise. On second thought, strike that. Is Trump bragging about he can get away with sexually assaulting women because he's a celebrity really an amazing discovery? Isn't that really par for the course at this point? I mean wouldn't the real October surprise have been if a tape like this hadn't been leaked less than 30 days before the election? Are you really going to watch the way this bumbling bully lurked over Secretary Clinton's shoulder as she was addressing voters last night during the debate and still try to convince me that America's most famous racist narcissist doesn't also have a penchant for chauvinism? Regardless of whether Trump's offensive tape was an amazing discovery or simply par for the course for the least qualified presidential candidate in American history, I'm glad it's out there and working to diminish his chances of winning the election. Of course Trump's reaction to the latest scandal was predictably to try and pull Bill and Hillary Clinton down in the gutter with him in by deploying a scorched earth strategy. He may have effectively rallied his base with that strategy, but I think for most reasonable Americans...the damage is done. It should be crystal clear by now that this is not a hard choice. Bottom line: voting for Donald Trump is flat out irresponsible. Anybody who thinks about this election rationally and soberly understands that Hillary Clinton is the only choice.
That being said, I think Democrats are on shaking ground trying to present Hillary Clinton as the moral authority in this race. There is no question that she and Former President Clinton have also had moral shortcomings in their careers and it is because of those moral shortcoming that the "vast right-wing conspiracy" is able to generate the fuel it needs to allow Donald Trump to hang around and still have an outside shot at becoming President of the United States. If the Democratic Party wanted to be the moral authority in this election in order to obliterate Trump's candidacy (and take back the Senate, the House, and a few state houses in the process) there was a candidate in the race we could have nominated. That candidate was Bernie Sanders. Can you imagine how differently the second debate would have gone if Trump was going up against Bernie Sanders' moral leadership instead of being able to grab on to the Clinton's shortcomings and drag them down in the gutter with him? The Republican establishment has a lot of soul searching to do for allowing someone as utterly unacceptable as Donald Trump to become their party's nominee but the Democratic establishment has a lot of soul searching to do as well for insisting on running a flawed candidate against him and subsequently tipping the scales in the primary to ensure their desired outcome. The sky would have been the limit on the amount of progressive change we could have ushered in in the first 100 days of a Bernie Sanders presidency if his political revolution had been given the opportunity to clean Trump's clock and wipe out Republican majorities up and down the ballot. Bernie's new age New Deal governing could have made a real difference in the lives of working families and perhaps given us one last crack at doing something meaningful to address climate change before it's too late. Sadly, this vision for a new era of progressivism is just conjecture. Sure, I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because she is the only responsible choice. At the same time, I will never forgive the Democratic establishment for tipping the scales in the 2016 primaries and squandering a once in a generation opportunity (putting us at risk of a Trump presidency in the process). And I will never forget.On that note, let's talk Friends for a hot second, shall we? In today's episode, Chandler dives head first into powering through the metaphorical commitment tunnel and comes out the other side taking a smothering approach to dating Janice while Ross struggles with a dangerous gender stereotype in his approach to parenting when he decides that he's uncomfortable with Barbie being Ben's favorite toy. Phoebe pretends to be Joey's agent and Janice surprises Monica and Rachel by not getting scared away by Chandler's clinging behavior. All of that pales in comparison, however, to when Monica brilliantly steals the show by outing Ross's cross-dressing childhood. Not only do we discover that Ross dressed in his mother's clothes as a child to throw tea parties in the backyard, but on top of that...he asked his family to call him Bea. Finally, the cherry on top was Monica revealing that there was even a song that went a little something like...
I am Bea.I drink tea.Won't you dance around with me?
Oh man, my Friends heart is filled with joy after reliving that classic Ross moment. If this election has got you worried, stressed, or angry just remember to pull out your metaphorical Milk Master 2000, think about Ross hosting tea parties as his alter ego, Bea and then tell yourself, "Now I can have milk every day!" Until next week...stay thirsty, my fans of Friends.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler goes all Chandler and gives in to his fear of commitment but then allows Monica and Rachel to convince him to overcompensate and scare Janice away, Ross has trouble adjusting to the news that Barbie is Ben's favorite toy, Phoebe forgets to give Joey a message about an audition and then pretends to be his agent to make up for it, and (despite his obsessive behavior) Janice still calls Chandler back which is an amazing discovery for Monica and Rachel because in their experience...a man would never call back if they had acted in a relationship the way Chandler had with Janice.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch - Rachel is at her place with Ross and notices (while walking by with a laundry basket) that Ugly Naked Guy is still naked but that his dog is wearing a sweater.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel and Monica are across the hall consoling Chandler for freaking out Janice and ruining his relationship with her. They had just determined that the situation was critical enough to go and grab the good ice cream for Chandler when the phone rings. Chandler answers and realizes that it is Janice. He asks her, "Can you hold on a second?" He then turns to Monica and Rachel and asks, "What do I do?" Rachel quickly answers, "I don't know what to do. This is totally unprecedented." Monica follows, "If we ever did what you did, a man would never call." Monica lights up and continues, "Oh wait, I've got it. I've got it. Pretend like you just woke up. Okay? That'll throw her off. Be sleepy." Rachel chimes in, "Yes! And grumpy." [The Knockout] Visibly annoyed, Chandler looks back and forth at Monica and Rachel and barks, "What are you--? Stop naming dwarfs."
Hold Me Close Young Tony Danza
Season 3, Episode 1
Friends S3:E1 - But oh how it feels so real lying here with no one near. Only you and you can hear me when I say softly...(pause)...slowly...(wait for it)...hold me close young Tony Danza. Count the headlights on the highway. YO! YO! YO! How the heck are you, my BFGFF's (Big Freindly Giant Friends Fans)? Can you believe it? After a long and relaxing summer break, we're finally back for the third installment of Friends 20/20. I can honestly say that I've really missed you guys. Sure, full disclosure, I had an incredible summer drifting from beach to beach; relaxing and soaking in rays for weeks on end with umbrella drinks never more than an arm's length away. It may be hard to believe, but alas...like all good things in life, my good people, eventually all of that relaxation played its course. I know, I know, poor pampered me. But it's true. Eventually I grew tired of endless pina coladas and bonfires, so I returned stateside a few weeks early (right before Labor Day weekend). I quickly realized, however, that foregoing a couple of extra weeks of moon parties was a mistake because over the past couple of weeks, I've been bored out of my gourd waiting for my beloved Mission: Impossible assignment to resume today. In fact, there are rumors swirling around the theLeftAhead office that I was so bored these past couple of weeks, I even resorted to binge watching episodes of Saved By the Bell on Netflix to pass the time. (Oh the humanity!) Those rumors will neither be confirmed or denied. Of course, soon after my return, Ted James (my editor) quickly pointed out that one way for me to pass the time would be for me to contribute some political commentary to our Election 2016 coverage (he's constantly reminding me that I was a Poli Sci major, afterall) or to finally follow through on my promise to write some non-Friends related pop culture content for the site. But sadly, I could not be convinced that 1,500 words on the second season of Mr. Robot was a better use of my time than reliving (for the dozenth time) the teen angst torture Zack Morris experienced while trying to outduel A.C. Slater for the affection of one Kelly Kapowski. Sure, things like keeping my word and being a team player at work are important to me but let's be reasonable...time reserved for binge watching SBTB is an important part of any healthy work-life balance. I mean, it's not as if I was blowing off an opportunity to add some much needed content to theLeftAhead in order to binge watch Good Morning, Miss Bliss or Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Let's keep it 💯. I was mainlining the hardest of the hardcore pique SBTB episodes directly into my bloodstream. You know, episodes like the one where Jessie Spano develops a pill popping addiction, or the one where Zack deals with the pitfalls of fame as the lead singer of Zack Attack, or the one where Screech stabs someone (perhaps I'm misremembering that last one). Anyway, as I was saying...reliving the quintessential years of SBTB is an important part of a healthy work-life balance. Of course, when Mr. James caught wind of the rumor that I was allegedly blowing off his suggestion to write a post about Mr. Robot in order to binge watch Saved by the Bell, he proposed that I write a post about Saved by the Bell instead since I'm watching it anyway. As he put it, "if you're hellbent on pissing away your last two Friendless weeks binging old Saved by the Bell episodes, the least you can do is let the site get some mileage out of your sloth." He's such a dick.
But enough about me. We've got a brand spanking new 20 year old episode of Friends to lightly touch upon (I mean, diligently dissect). When last we left our pals, Chandler had just gotten back together with Janice Litman [née Hosenstein] (his married ex-girlfriend) and Monica had just broken up with Magnum, P.I. (I mean Dr. Richard Burke). The story resumes seemingly just a few weeks later as we find that Chandler and Janice are still happily together and we also find that Monica is still in mourning over her and Richard's break up. These story lines continue playing out for the duration of the Season Three premiere but the most noteworthy anecdote from this week's episode comes when Ross has quite a revelation (when Rachel informs him of that women share with each other very intimate details about their romantic relationships) and decides to try sharing with Chandler. At first, it seems to be a good idea as Chandler quickly relates when Ross shares with him his Princess Leia fantasy. Things go south rather quickly, however, when Chandler subsequently shares that he pictures his own mother in his head sometimes while having sex (my man's got issues, yo). Hilarity ensues when the uncovering of this disturbing information later causes Ross to accidentally picture his own mom while trying to play out his Princess Leia fantasy with Rachel. Joey steals the show, however, after returning home from Joey and Janices Day of Fun when he tells Chandler that he and Janice had run into Ross at Central Perk and Ross had subsequently relayed what Chandler had shared with him. Joey consoles Chandler by telling him it happens to him too. When Chandler, feeling reassured, seeks confirmation by asking, "Really?" Joey responds, "Oh yeah. I always picture your mom while I'm having sex." Burn. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Speaking of burn, I've got burnt orange on my mind. No, not burnt orange like the Texas Longhorns (who blew a game to Cal that they should have won on Saturday). Yes, burnt orange like Donald Trump's hair and skin. You see where I'm going with this, right? I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up on commentary from our Season Two finale by giving my two cents regarding the current state of Election 2016 during our Season Three premiere. If you are a loyal reader of the blog series, you already to know that I was all in on feeling the bern last spring. Therefore, as you can probably guess, I'm sad to report that there are not chicks and ducks in the world again because Bernie Sanders is unfortunately not well on his way to the White House. Instead we have a General Election match up of Secretary Hillary Clinton vs. Megalomaniac Donald Trump. Damn, this sucks. Considering that this not only sucks but really, really sucks...I don't have a great deal to say at this point. (I'll save my next extended political rant for closer to the election.) Having said that I don't have a great deal to say, I will say this visa vie the following...as the race stands today, I'm planning to vote for Hillary Clinton (I am not, however, planning to endorse her candidacy). I will not attempt to persuade you to vote for or against Mrs. Clinton during our time together over the coming weeks. You won't get the, you must vote for Secretary Clinton because she is the lesser of two evils argument here. I personally have mixed feelings about whether a vote for Jill Stein is productive or counter-productive (we can explore this more in the forthcoming rant that I teased earlier). So no, I do not know if the you must vote for Secretary Clinton because she is the lesser of two evils argument boasts a sound moral foundation, but I do know one thing. No matter what you choose to do in this Saved by the Bell: The College Years crap-fest dumpster fire that is the 2016 General Election, please think very carefully about making sure that whatever you choose to do does not contribute to the election of Donald John Trump. If you need a reminder of why that would be such a future-jeopardizing disaster, just watch this. Finally (if you will indulge me), hey Ted James. Do you like apples? I just gave you exactly what you've been bugging me for these past two weeks (some Saved by the Bell pop culture content as well as some Election 2016 content) and I did it all without having to lift one extra finger or write one extra word outside of my contractual obligation. How you like dem apples? (Mic drop.) Adams out.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica is still mourning her and Richard's break up, Ross shares his Star Wars fantasy with Rachel, Joey tries to get over his dislike of Janice so he can spend more time with Chandler, Phoebe attempts to guide Monica in medication to help her get over Richard, Chandler shares with Ross a disturbing glimpse into his sex life, and Ross may as well have been singing "Hold Me Close Young Tony Danza" in bed with Rachel because he can't stop picturing Rachel as his mother when she dresses up as Princess Leia to fulfill his fantasy.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are hanging out at Central Perk talking about how Joey hates Janice when Rachel notices that Monica is outside visibly distraught and holding a package from the Post Office. Monica seems to be simultaneously crying and speaking rapidly at her friends through the coffee shop's window. Indicating to everyone else to look outside, Rachel exclaims, "Oh my god." [The Knockout] Relishing the opportunity to crush a pitch that's hanging over the plate out of the park, Chandler observes, "Well look everybody, it's Weepy. The mime who cares too much."
Featured Image Source: Chicago Tribune
Headline Image Source: She Does the City