I've Finally Got My Band
Season 4, Episode 17
Friends S4:E17 - Knock, knock. Who's there? PORN! What's happening, Mercedes Friends? The strangest thing happened to me last week. I went to bed last Sunday night and the next thing I remember, I was waking up and it was Tuesday morning. I panicked, thinking I had slept for over 24 hours straight and had missed the deadline for Friends S4:E16. (And you can imagine how awful I felt about ruining my perfect record of posting every single Friends 20/20 post on time? 😭) When I logged onto the blog, however, I saw my post was there even though I had no recollection of writing it. Utterly confused, I showered, got dressed and rushed over to theLeftAhead office for answers. The first person I saw was (of course) my boss, Ted James. I got him up-to-speed on what I knew of what had happened so far and he responded, "Dude, you woke up and saw that you had posted a Friends 20/20 post that you had no recollection of writing and you didn't bother to read it?" At that point I realized that I had just verified that it was posted and I hadn't bothered to actually read it before rushing to the office. Feeling embarrassed about this little detail, I attempted to lie my way out of the embarrassment by responding, "Of course I read it."
Ted immediately called my bluff by telling me, "No you didn't." He proceeded to ask, "You want to know how I know you didn't read it?" Without giving me time to respond he answered himself, "Because if you had, you would know what happened to you." Knowing that there was no salvaging my lie at this point, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and read the post. After finishing, I looked up from my phone utterly confused and terrified to see my boss across the room laughing hysterically. In between violent attacks of laughter, Ted managed to blurt out, "Aliens, bro. You wanted me to hire more Pop Culture writers and give you help with Friends 20/20? Looks like you've finally got your band! I have every confidence that you, Zooperkroll and the rest of the Infini will make an excellent team." After another moment or two of laughter, he collected himself, looked over at me, and asked, "What's the matter? You look a little green. Do you need me to call you a Relaxi Cab?" Then he left the room giggling under his breath. Have I ever mentioned that Ted James is a jerk?
Speaking of finally getting your band, how about the one million musicians who joined the Stoneman Douglas Band to perform Twisted Sister's We're Not Going to Take It on Saturday? The turnout across the globe was spectacular and being there in person (as I was at the March for Our Lives in Denver, CO) was beyond inspirational. THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE. I can't say enough about the bravery, composure, and resolve of the Stoneman Douglas students. And because I can't say enough about them (or #EnoughIsEnough enough), I'll let them speak for themselves. I have posted the efficacious speech that Emma Gonzalez delivers in Washington D.C. on Saturday below. Enough said. See you next week.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe finds out she's having triplets, Chandler and Joey discover that hey have free porn in their apartment and decide to never change the channel or turn of the television to avoid the risk of losing it, Monica manipulates Ross to live out her fantasy of meeting someone from a foreign land and falling madly in love, Ross follows Monica's advice and chases Emily down at the airport to tell her he loves her and gets thank you as a response, Rachel boasts about how her boyfriend Joshua doesn't like watching porn, and when Phoebe tells her brother Frank that she is having triplets he responds, "I've finally got my band!"
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey and Chandler come into Monica and Rachel's apartment and Rachel acknowledges them by saying, "Hey." Chandler responds, "Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again." Rachel answers Chandler's question with a question, asking, "Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?" Entertaining her curiosity, Chandler reports, "Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn." Perplexed, Rachel points out, "Yeah, but that's not like what you'd go by." Having stayed silent to this point listening to Rachel and Chandler's exchange, Joey feels compelled to jump in and set the record straight. He rants to Rachel, "Rach, look. I'm going to have a kid someday. Okay? And someday that kid is going to ask me if I ever turned off free porn. I don't wanna have to tell him that I did." Still perplexed, Rachel asks, "Did you ever ask your dad that?” Joey sheepishly responds, "I don't want to talk about it." Before this ridiculous conversation can go any further, Phoebe bursts into the apartment carrying a large case and says, "Ooh, good, you’re here! Okay." Monica says, "hey" and Phoebe responds, "Hi." Curious about the case, Rachel asks, "Well, what-what ‘cha got there?" Phoebe answers, "Oh this, well I’m glad you asked." She opens the case, pulls out a soda can and knife and continues, "Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?" Phoebe proceeds to cut the soda can in half with the knife and offers, "Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking..." [The Knockout] Looking sarcastically horrified, Chandler interjects, "Pregnant woman slays four?"
Bon Voyage
Season 4, Episode 16
Friends S4:E16 - [Begin Transmission] [Alien Voice] Greetings, Earth Friendlies. This is Zooperkroll, Supreme Leader of the Infini. My species is from the planet Visonia. Visonia is located 37 trillion miles away from Earth in the Milky Way's Norf system. I am writing to inform you that we have abducted your Friends 20/20 blogger, Ken Adams, and are currently conducting experiments on him in outer space. Because of this prior engagement, Ken Adams asked me to pass along the following message: "Regretfully, I will not have time to write a proper blog post this week and must, therefore, mail in this week's column." He anticipates that you will respond by asking, "How will you mail in your column from space?" His answer is, "I'm not entirely sure but I assume President Trump's Space Force is already up and running and will be happy to deliver the message back to Earth." He further anticipates that you will ask, "If President Trump's Space Force is up and running, how were the Infini able to get past the greatest space troops the universe has ever known (believe me) to abduct you in the first place? His answer is, "Supreme Leader Zooperkroll and the Infini worked with Vladimir Putin and Russia to abduct me and, well, you know the rest of the story by now..."
[Still in Alien Voice] Now that you have heard Ken Adams' message we must return to our experiments and bid you fare...wait...what...uhh, okay, hold on. Ken Adams asked me to deliver another message on his behalf. Lucky for him, the gravitational pull of your planet creates a massaging sensation for my brains and temple, so I'm feeling generous. His next message is as follow: "Can you believe how pathetic Rachel Karen Green is in this episode? And for Joshua? Is it just me, or is Joshua kind of a big dull dud? Anyway, back to Rachel being pathetic. Rache, from not letting Joshua put his hands in the pockets of the jacket he’s trying on, to telling him your "pick up" note is an anti-theft device, to throwing the fake bon voyage surprise party for Emily that's really for Joshua, to changing dresses mid-party, to choking on a cherry stem after gloating about your tongue-tying skills, to making everybody play Spin the Bottle like middle school children, to dressing up like a cheerleader and busting your lip doing a cheer? For God's sake Rachel, watching your desperation to be with Joshua in this episode is a train wreck. On second thought, it is more than a train wreck, it's physically uncomfortable to watch. Not only are you the biggest loser of this episode, your behavior in this episode alone puts you in the running for biggest overall loser in Friends series history. It was that bad but, in the end, jokes on me, right? After all, you got the guy."
[Don't forget that Alien Voice] I don't see how analyzing the behavior of a fictional character from 20 years ago is relevant to anything. Why would Ken Adams request me to deliver this message to you all? Human are a very strange lifeform and Ken Adams is unquestionably the strangest among you. Now you see why we are doing experiments on him. As I was saying before he asked me to deliver to you that bizarre Rachel Green rant, farewell Earth...dude, come on. I'm not gonna...how could it...fool me once...OKAY. Ken Adams has requested that I send you one final message. I have reluctantly agreed to deliver the message as my way of bidding you adieu. Before I give you Ken's final message, let me inform you that I, Zooperkroll, Supreme Leader of Infini, have not only come to Earth to do experiments on Ken Adams but also to ask for your vote in the upcoming 2500 intergalactic election. Let's Make the Milky Way Great Again! To prove to you that I am serious about earning your intergalactic vote and since I will be hovering above the planet doing experiments on Ken Adams anyway this week, I will also be beaming down on Saturday to attend the March for Our Lives. I've never understood why Earthlings from the United States of America would put the profits of gun manufacturers ahead of the safety of children. Most systems in the Milky Way have sensible gun regulations and we should make our voices heard on Saturday to make sure Earthlings from the U.S. follow suit. Please join me and the Stoneman Douglas students on Saturday to tell Earthling politicians from the U.S. that enough is enough and they will either take action to say #NeverAgain or they will be voted out of office during Election 2018. With that being said, Ken Adam's final message is as follows: "The Infini and my alien abduction are real and not just a shameless attempt at setting a new bar for excellence in the category of Friends 20/20 Mail-In Specials. Just wanted you to know that before Zooperkroll sticks another needle in my eye. Bon voy see ya!" [End Transmission]
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross plans his perfect farewell date with Emily but Rachel ruins it by throwing an impromptu surprise party for Emily that is really for Joshua, Phoebe's pregnancy starts making her crave meats, Joey volunteers to stop eating meats while Phoebe is pregnant so that she can satisfy her craving without any extra animals paying the price, Chandler uses a rubbish English accent every time he is around Emily, Monica shows Emily pictures of Ross at Computer Camp during Emily's surprise going-away party, and Rachel manages to seduce Joshua after making a fool of herself even though it costs Ross getting to take Emily on the perfect date as his way of saying, "bon voyage."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang and a few guests are at Monica and Rachel's apartment for Emily's bon voyage surprise party that's really for Joshua. When Ross and Joshua start getting antsy to leave, Rachel entices them to stay with the "whole big thing planned" which turns out to be Spin the Bottle. During the game, Joey and Emily land on each other three consecutive times which prompts Ross to say, "Okay, that-that’s enough! Ya know, let’s, let’s let someone else play." Put out by Ross spoiling his fun, Joey responds, "If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?" Not allowing things to get any tenser between Joey and Ross, Chandler interrupts by offering, "All right. I'll go. I'll go." As he begins spinning the bottle, he narrates, "Somebody loose. Somebody loose." The bottle spins around several times and then lands pointing right back at him. [The Knockout] Like a sad puppy dog, Chandler admits, "Story of my life."
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Red Ross
Season 4, Episode 15
Friends S4:E15 - Howdy, FRIENDS NATION. How is everyone feeling this fine Monday evening? To put it another way... what's good with it? A lot has happened since our last convening. Sadly, right in the middle of our break (and on Valentine's Day, of all days) there was another school shooting. My heart goes out the families and friends of the victims. That being said, it is maddening to me how many times we've had to discuss this topic in the three and a half years of our Friends 20/20 run. As frustrating as it's been to have this happen over and over again while our elected officials continue to obstinately do nothing to intervene other than offer "thoughts and prayers," this time genuinely does feel different. Right? The reason that things feel different this time is the remarkable students of Stoneman Douglas High School. These students are demonstrating how we the people are the solution to our broken democracy. I’m inspired by their poise under the weight of unspeakable grief. I’m inspired by their fearless push for change. And I believe that they will win. I mean, while our president (the very same president, mind you, who dodged Vietnam because his feet hurt) is making asinine statements today about how he would have gone in and stopped the gunman, these Stoneman Douglas students are showing REAL leadership. They are demonstrating that our elected officials work for us and if they continue to refuse to do their jobs, the #NeverAgain movement will gladly find someone who will to replace them during Election 2018. My favorite thing today? Emma Gonzales now has more Twitter followers than the NRA. You like apples, Wayne LaPierre? How you like dem apples? Keep it up, students of Stoneman Douglas! Our future is bright because our future is you.
Moving into today's episode (these are hard transitions to make on weeks like this but the show must go on), I'm happy to report that we've got quite a humdinger. There is so much at play in this jam-packed episode. Take Monica's storyline, for example. From taking time to soak in the variety of Monica's childlike drawings that she made to cover holes in the wall to noticing the choice work of fiction, Like a Hole in the Head by Jen Banbury, that Monica is reading when Rachel comes home and discovers Monica's art collection...um, I mean art diversion, it's clear that our most neurotic Geller is giving us plenty to unpack. Not to be outdone, Chandler super-sizes the hilarity by running into Janice, getting back together with her, realizing that he can't stand her again, and faking a move to Yemen (of all places) in an effort to rid himself of her without having to break up with her again. This is classic Chan Man comedy. Last but certainly not least is our other favorite Geller revealing to the world his alter ego, Red Ross. Not only is Ross turning into a super hero so intoxicating he could give Black Panther a run for his money at the box office right now, but it also triggers a Gandalf Gaffe of epic proportions.I encourage you to keep reading to find out more about today's Double G but alas, we have come to the point in class that all of you have been dreading and some of you have hoping I would have forgotten all about coming off of our two-week break. Sorry, girls and boys. This Friends 20/20 instructor didn't start blogging yesterday. Please pass your homework to the front. Remember, I warned you that in exchange for getting out of class early on February 5th, I expected a thorough defense of your choices for the Top Ten Greatest Actors Who Made a FRIENDS Cameo. These submissions will be graded with the highest of scrutiny, so good luck to all. And now that all of the homework papers have been collected, and since the Academy Awards are next Sunday, I will leave you today by allowing you to view my instructor's key for the homework assignment and the criteria that I used to make my very own Top Ten list. You will find my list immediately below this text and as you can see, individual achievement at the Academy Awards factored very heavily into how I came up with my list of the greatest actors to make a cameo on FRIENDS. So there you have it, my Friends 20/20 fam. We're off again for two more weeks. Enjoy the break and enjoy the Oscars. More importantly, support the heroic efforts of the Stoneman Douglas students and mark your calendar to make your voice heard on March 24th by attending the March for Our Lives event in your community. Late.
Top Ten Greatest Actors Who Made a FRIENDS Cameo
1) Susan Sarandon: 1996 Academy Award Winner, Best Actress in a Leading Role for Dead Man Walking, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1982, 1992, 1993, 1995)
2) Julia Roberts: 2001 Academy Award Winner, Best Actress in a Leading Role for Erin Brockovich, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1990), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Supporting Role (1990, 2014)
3) Charleton Heston:1960 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Leading Role for Ben-Hur
4) George Clooney: 2006 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Syriana, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (2008, 2010, 2012)
5) Robin Williams: 1998 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Good Will Hunting, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (1988, 1990, 1992)
6) Brad Pitt: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (2009, 2012), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Supporting Role (1996)
7) Wynona Ryder: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1995), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Supporting Role (1994)
8) Elliot Gould: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Supporting Role (1970)
9) Danny DeVito: 1980 Golden Globe Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Television Series for Taxi, Golden Globe Nominee (1979, 1981, 1982, 1987, 1988)
10) Bruce Willis: 1987 Golden Globe Winner, Best Actor - Television Series for Moonlighting, Golden Globe Nominee (1986, 1988, 1990)
Honorable Mention) Michael Rapaport: Mailman with Tax Notice (uncredited), Next Friday
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross agrees to play rugby with some of Emily's mates from back home in England, Monica puts numerous holes in the wall of her and Rachel's new apartment when she can't figure out what a light switch does, Chandler gets back together with Janus but immediately decides to break up with her by pretending to move to Yemen, Rachel gets angry with Monica for obsessing about the light switch, Joey and Phoebe go to support Ross in his rugby match, and Ross is able to inflict some serious damage on his more experienced rugby competitors by turning into Red Ross.
Gandalf Gaffes - Heyo! We're back with another Double G for you to digest. (Cue Biggie voice: Uh...and another one.) Today's gaffe comes straight outta the mouth of our hero, Red Ross. While preparing for his rugby match, Ross is contemplating how he is going to summon the necessary aggression to compete with his more seasoned opponents. What dawns on him is to reference something so egregiously gaffey, it sets up to be a stratospheric penalty. In order to summon the necessary aggression he needs to compete with his more seasoned opponents, Ross tells Joey he needs to transform into his alter ego, the aforementioned Red Ross. When Joey can't remember what he's talking about, Ross says, "Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!" Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen...THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. You see, Dances With Wolves was released and in theaters in 1990. Why, you ask, is that important? Well, my young padawans, Friends S3:E6, The One With The Flashback establishes that Ross and Joey first met one year before the beginning of the series when Joey moved in to be Chandler's roommate. Since we know that the beginning of FRIENDS takes place in 1994, we can say with certainty that the earliest Ross and Joey met was sometime in 1993 therefore it is impossible that thee first time that Ross transformed into Red Ross would have been while they were standing in line together to watch Dances With Wolves in 1990. Game. Set. Match. Considering that it is astronomically unlikely that this gaffe could reasonably be explained away by arguing that, in fact, it took place after 1993 because they were at a theatrical re-release of DWW within five years of its first release, I'm ruling that this is a level three infraction. Calm down, Red Ross. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Gandalf Gaffe #18: While getting ready for his rugby match, Ross suggests the establishment of Red Ross as being "the time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it." However, Dances With Wolves was released and in theaters in 1990. Therefore, it would have been impossible for Ross, Joey, and the gang to be standing in line waiting to see it when it was clearly established in Friends S3:E6, The One With The Flashback that Joey and Ross first met in 1993 (when Joey first moved in to be Chandler's roommate).
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler and Janice are at Central Perk where Chandler is about to attempt his "preemptive strike" break up. It is apparent Janice has put Chandler on edge with her annoying habits when after she observes, "oh boy, I just love to sing," Chandler responds, "Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River." Ignoring him in a laughable state of obliviousness, Janice continues, "Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails." (She immediately backs this statement up with her annoying laugh.) Horrified, Chandler responds, "Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship." Cutting him off, Janice interjects, "I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!" Powering right through the interruption, Chandler continues, "Right! I just think that this is happening too soon." Equally undeterred, Janice responds, "Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time." Thinking on his feet, Chandler shifts the trajectory of the conversation by saying, "I hear ya. But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!" Both surprised and intrigued by the prospect, Janice responds, "Oh no! Where to? Too Paris?" Sensing her excitement about Paris, Chandler answers, "No! No! Not, Paris" Janice continues quizzing him, "Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?" Knowing he needs to think of somewhere less exotic and not being able to think over her incessant questions, Chandler says, "Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!" Finally looking disappointed in the way that Chandler was hoping for, Janice asks, "When?" Letting his guard down momentarily following the W, Chandler answers, "I don’t know exactly." Lifted by a glimmer of hope, Janice informs him, "Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes." [The Knockout] Back on high alert and hoping to nip this in the bud once and for all, Chandler tells her, "But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow."
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