Gandalf the Wizard
Season 4, Episode 9
Friends S4:E9 - "Okay, Chandler. See you tomorrow." Mike hung up the phone and headed from his courtside seat into the United Center tunnel thinking to himself, "What a dominating win by my Bulls over our arch-rival Knicks. Isn't it ironic (don't you think) that I have an early morning flight to New York tomorrow to party with my college bros. After all, they are Knicks fans. I'll have to rub it in when I get there." As Mike continued walking back through the tunnel to the VIP parking lot, he intentionally kept his eyes straight ahead to avoid getting roped into conversations with his season ticket holder acquaintances as they shouted things at him like, "Hey Gandalf" and "What a game, Wizard" as he passed by. He responded with things like, "Just another night at the office for M.J." and "You can't stop His Airness" while trying to avoid eye contact. Mike knew that he needed to go straight home and get some rest before his early morning flight and he also knew that any amount of engagement with his fellow Bulls fans put him at risk of being sidetracked and roped into a night on the town.
He was almost through the tunnel and into the VIP garage when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Gizzy the Whizzy!" He knew that the unmistakable voice he heard behind him belonged to none other than Bulls starting power forward Dennis Rodman and he further knew that that being the case, there would be no avoiding this conversation.
He turned back and said, "Worm, great game."
"Thanks, Gandalf! No biggie. It was just the Knicks. Yo, I was wondering what you're getting into tonight?"
Flattered and intrigued, Mike thought to himself, "Wow, is Dennis asking me to hang out after the game? That would be a first. Maybe he's finally caught wind of my reputation as a world-class party animal. Bursting with curiosity, Gandalf responded, "I don't have any plans, Dennis. Why, what's up?"
"Well, I've been hearing rumors that you're a world-class party animal and I wanted to invite you out to see if the rumors are true. Come on, follow me over to the players' parking lot. I've got my Ferrari waiting." Dennis turned and started walking back through the tunnel to another exit.
Beaming with excitement, Gandalf complied and started following Rodman to the players' parking lot. As if in a trance, he watched Dennis jump into a yellow Ferrari and so he effortlessly hopped into the passenger side right behind him. Thoughts of his early morning flight to New York and hanging out with his college buddies, Chandler and Ross, were already miles away from his mind. Once comfortably seated in the Ferrari, Gandalf pulled out his flask and motioned it over to Rodman in the driver's seat. Without speaking, Rodman accepted the flask and took a swig that must've been the equivalent of four shots. As Dennis handed it back, Gandalf managed to mutter, "Nice ride" before taking the flask to his own mouth to try to match Rodman's four-shotter.
Dennis responded, "If you like the way she looks, you're going to love feeling her speed." The Worm abruptly gunned the engine, peeled out of the players' parking lot and started darting through the streets of Chicago."
Where are we going?" Gandalf asked this as he saw the speedometer hit 135 mph. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled the window down to let the wind whip his hair and started trying to light a cigar."
Naw, save that...try one of mine." Rodman handed him a cigar from the center console and continued, "We're going to O'Hare. Madonna has her private jet waiting."
Gandalf accepted Rodman's cigar, lit it, inhaled a huge puff, realized that this wasn't "just" a cigar, started laughing and, without warning, abruptly started serenading Dennis with his own rendition of Like a Prayer.
Rodman looked over at this spectacle with a smirk and said, "I like your sense of humor. I can already tell this is going to be a good night." Hearing this, Gandalf's headed started to spin with euphoria.
As if in a dream, he watched as they pulled up on the tarmac at O'Hare to a pink, blue, and gold private jet that could only have been Madonna's plane. As Gandalf got out of the car, he did a double take because, and maybe this was his mind playing tricks on him, but there appeared to be a giraffe's head sticking out of the open door of the plane. As he followed Dennis from the Ferrari toward the plane, he realized that yes, in fact, that was a giraffe on board Madonna's plane. Still tripping on the giraffe thing, he entered the plane behind Rodman only to see Madonna (along with about 27 other people) on board. She turned to the new arrivals and asked Dennis, "Did you bring him?"
Rodman answered, "Yes, I present to you...Gadalf the Wizard."
Gandalf pumped his hands in the air victoriously as the gathered masses on the plane erupted into applause. He asked, "Who's ready to party?" and promptly handed his cigar and flask to a couple of goth farmers who were making out to his left. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the last thing Mike "Gandlaf" Ganderson remembered from the night he partied with Dennis Rodman and Madonna.
* * *
The next morning, Gandalf woke up in nothing but his boxers only to realize he was in the waiting area of a Jiffy Lube. The business did not appear to be open yet because no one else was around. He looked at the clock on the wall and it suggested that it was 5:30 am. Funnily, as he looked through the windows to the world outside, he noticed it was completely bright out. Confused, he looked behind the counter to see a sign that said, "Anchorage's Quickest Oil Change." He thought to himself, "How the hell am I in Anchorage, Alaska?" He then noticed an eight inch stiletto shoe with what seemed to be a note stabbed through the heel sitting on a cash register sitting on the counter hovering above him. Gandalf drug himself to his feet while finally noticing that his head was pounding. He grabbed the note and read:
Gandalf the Wizard,
Sorry, Bro. We had to take off for Europe. Madonna has a concert in Paris tonight. I have to hand it to you, though. You are the biggest freaking party animal that I've ever met in me entire damn life. World-class is an understatement. That was the craziest night ever. Keep doing you.
Best,
Dennis Rodman
P.S. Please don't forget to feed the giraffe.
Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson rubbed his eyes some more and then, spotting a pay phone, picked up and dialed. The voice at the other end answered, "Hello? So, are you in town?"
Bewildered, Gandalf responded, "Chandler, I'm not going to make it." Seeing the Giraffe poke its head against the Jiffy Lube window, he continued, "I'm stuck in Chicago."
Fin.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross and Chandler take a day off from work because they are going to party, Joey is suspicious of the college friend that Ross and Chandler want to party with, Monica gets a van with Phoebe for their catering business right before she gets offered the position of Head Chef at Allesandros (an Itailian restaurant that she gave a bad review), Phoebes decides to let Monica take the job as Head Chef even though she does't know what to do with the van, Rachel gets promoted to Assistant Buyer the day before Joanna passes away, and the guys end up realizing that they're too old to party like they did when they were 21 and hanging out with Gandalf the Wizard.
Gandalf Gaffes - It's only fitting that we have a Double G during the namesake episode. Full disclosure, the gaffe comes during the extended DVD footage (you won't find it in the broadcast version of the episode). It's also a very subtle gaffe but luckily, you're working with the greatest Gandalf Gaffe sleuth this side of the Mississippi. So here's the setup: In the episode's opening scene, the gang is standing out on the street admiring Monica and Phoebe's new van. Rachel makes the comment, "Oh my god! I think I lost my virginity in that van." Sounds reasonable enough, right? Well, here's the problem. In Friends S1:E7, The One With The Blackout, the gang is killing time during the blackout by discussing the weirdest places each of them has ever had sex. When it comes time for Rachel to divulge hers, she pretends that she's already gone before finally revealing that the weirdest place she's ever had sex is, "The foot of the bed." I think by any standard, loosing one's virginity in a van is a weirder place to have sex than the foot of the bed. Therefore, Rachel claiming to have lost her virginity in a van in this episode is a gaffe since we learned in Season One that Rachel had never had sex anywhere other than in a bedroom. I know, I know, this is a minor level one infraction but it's also a hell of a catch, right? One quite worthy of being the gaffe in the namesake episode!
Gandalf Gaffe #17: In the episode's opening scene (extended version), Rachel says, "Oh my god! I think I lost my virginity in that van." However in Friends S1:E7, The One With The Blackout, Rachel claims the weirdest place she's ever had sex is, "The foot of the bed."
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Ross and Chandler are sitting around moping at Chandler and Joey's apartment after finding out that Gandalf didn't make it into town to party with them. Joey comes in after returning from an audition surprised to find them there. After they tell him what happened, Joey pumps them up to go out partying anyway by saying, "We’ll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on!" Ross and Joey exchange "Yeahs" before Ross, seemingly trying to convince himself, says, "It’s not like we don’t know how to party!" Joey responds, "Yeah! All right? Let’s go!" Chandler hopefully chimes in by asking, "And maybe we could end up on a boat again?" Ross and Joey answer in unison by saying, "Yeah!" Chandler, jumping on board, exclaims, "All right!" Turning to Chandler, Ross asks, "Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?" Chandler responds by asking, "Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?" Ross answers, "Yeah.” [The Knockout] Chandler, practically rolling his eyes, tells Ross, "Well, those were seals, man."
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Va Fa Napoli
Season 4, Episode 8
Friends S4:E8 - Happy Thanksgiving Eve Eve Eve, girls and boys. Everybody settle down. I know we're all anxious to get on to our holiday weekend and our two-week break from class, but we've got some important business to attend to prior to shifting into turkey-mode. As you all know, I have your Halloween "Which FRIEND R U?" video assignments graded and (drum roll please) every single last one of you made an A. That includes you, Johnny...although, choosing Gunther was quite risky. I won't lie. I was contemplating failing you for it until I saw the footage of you going out to a party dressed as Gunther dressed as Charlie Brown. Even though Gunther is not one of the FRIENDS and therefore technically I should've failed you, the creativity and imagination that you brought to the assignment won me over. So congratulations, Johnny! And congratulations, class! You all get to leave for the Thanksgiving break with the warm and fuzzy feeling of having aced your last assignment!
While you've guessed correctly that the impending break has made today's post ripe for the "mail in" treatment, before we go...just a couple of quick points about today's episode. First, how great is Va Fa Napoli? I'm trying to decide if I like watching Joey and Rachel say this with the accompanying "hand under the chin" gesture more or Ross and Monica's gesture that was revealed to us just three episode ago in Friends S4:E5 (you know what I'm talking about, right? The Geller gesture for giving the finger without actually having to give it?) more. This is a close call but I guess I'm going to have to give a slight edge to Ross and Monica's "giving the finger" gesture for the simple reason that it gets brought back multiple times in future season of Friends. Secondly, how about the scene where Chandler (while in the box) refuses to say anything to Kathy as she's breaking up with him in order to prove to Joey how much their friendship means to him? This moment between two best buds gives me goosebumps every time (especially when Joey ultimately forgives Chandler and begs him to go after Kathy). And now, boys and girls, I can't think of a better way to wrap this up and mail in the post than to end on that happy Thanksgiving note. I hope each and every one of you has a fantastic Turkey Day! I'll catch you on the flippity flop. Gobble gobble.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey contemplates moving out of disgust with Chandler kissing his girlfriends, Monica invites Richard's son to Thanksgiving after seeing him for an emergency eye appointment, Phoebe gets drunk with power when she's left in charge of the kitchen after Monica goes to the eye doctor, Ross gets angry with Rachel for being devoid of sentiment, Rachel proves to Ross she's not devoid of sentiment by showing him her box of keepsakes from their relationship, Chandler goes in a box to show Joey how much their friendship means to him, and Joey ends up forgiving Chandler and giving him his blessing to date Kathy after earlier telling him, "Va fa Napoli!"
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang sans Joey are at Monica and Rachel's preparing their Thanksgiving meal. Monica is fiddling around in the refrigerator when she asks in frustration, "What is wrong with this freezer?" She continues rummaging around before screaming out in agony, "Ow! Ow!" Concerned, Phoebe quickly asks, "God, what happened?" Monica responds, "Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!" Rachel emerges from her room (where rather than helping, she had been taking a Thanksgiving nap) and angrily informs, "People are trying to sleep in here!" Chandler fills in Rachel on the emergency at hand by telling her, "Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts." Tending to Monica, Phoebe directs her, "Open it up, let me see." Monica responds, "Oh, ya know what, I can’t. It really kills." [The Knockout] Unable to resist an opportunity to be sarcastic (even under these circumstances), Chandler suggests, "Well maybe you should put some ice on it."
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Wordless Sound Poems
Season 4, Episode 7
Friends S4:E7 - What? Does? It? Do, Friendsters? I hope everybody has had a great couple of weeks. As you likely noticed last week, I decided to devote this section of Hard-ass and Wuss to a little fan fiction of the short story variety. That being the case, I deprived myself of the opportunity to check in with you guys a week ago. I suspect you weren't too upset since our brief detour into fan fiction meant the turning in of your homework assignment was delayed an extra week. But alas, here we are at Monday again, and your day of reckoning has come. Please, pass your video essays to the front. I hope each and every one of you enjoyed documenting your adventures in Halloween partying dressed as your favorite FRIEND. Could this assignment have been any cooler? Don't worry, I'll have all of your submissions graded when we reconvene next week.
Moving right along into today's episode... oh my God. I can't tell you how much I love watching Ross perform his Wordless Sound Poems. I could watch this again and again throughout the remainder of INFINITE TIME (echo)! While the music itself is hilariously awful, I think my favorite part of the experience is watching Ross's facial expressions as he is performing. Especially priceless is the face and gesture he makes at the end to hold thee last note and then to subsequently indicate when it is finally over. While I could ingest a bowlful of this tomfoolery on a daily basis, on second thought...strike that. I've thought of a component of this that I like even better than Ross's facial expressions and I'd like to revise my prior statement. My favorite part of the Wordless Sound Poems storyline is the fact that Phoebe thinks Ross is actually good. Because, of course she does. Leave it to Phoebe to be intimidated by Ross's talent, stop performing, wish to not be appreciated in her own time, have Monica and Rachel tell her she sucks too, believe they are only flattering her, and then resume playing when Ross throws a performance. God bless you, Phoebe Buffay.
Finally today, I'd be remiss if I didn't discuss the Joey/Kathy/Chandler love triangle. While Chandler definitely screwed up by kissing Kathy at the apartment while she was still going out with Joey, you can't help but feel bad for him anyway. It seems like he tried really, really hard to restrain himself and almost made it until Kathy left and came back because she forgot her purse. While it's true that Chandler should've revealed his feelings for Kathy sooner (because there's a good chance Joey would have bowed out), he could have made the argument on a technicality that he had, in fact, already revealed his feelings for Kathy to Joey when the three of them were at a bar in S4:E5. Of course, the problem there was Joey thought he was being sarcastic when he expressed his burning love for her at that time. Maybe that's why Chandler decided not to play that card and instead decided to refurbish the apartment out of guilt after the unfortunate kissing incident. Ultimately, Kathy breaks up with Joey because of Chandler prompting Chandler to finally inform Joey that he had kissed Kathy while they were still going out. Joey is predictably infuriated. If we know anything about Joey, it's that loyalty is important to him. Looking ahead, this does not bode well for breaking Chandler's streak of crappy Thanksgivings. And that, boys and girls, is how you foreshadow your next post. I don't care if it's Thanksgiving week, I expect you to be here next Monday to receive your graded video testimonials. Believe me, that turkey is going to taste so much better after getting another assignment under our belts. Gobble gobble.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross begins playing the keyboards in public, Phoebe stops playing guitar in public because she's intimidated by Ross's talent, Joey starts dating Casey while continuing to date Kathy, Chandler kisses Kathy and confesses to Joey after refurbishing the apartment out of guilt, Rachel tries to become someone who can eat in restaurants alone, Monica wears ear plugs to avoid hearing Ross play, and (in order to get Phoebe to start playing again) Ross intentionally plays poorly on purpose before, once again, retiring his wordless sound poems.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are waiting at Monica and Rachel's apartment as Ross sets up his keyboards to play them a song. Chandler intriguingly tells Ross, "All right! Bring it on, you." Ross cuts in to indicate he's ready by saying, "Here we go." He proceeds to play one note and hesitates to explain, "Ya know, I’ve. I’ve never played my stuff for anyone before, so it’s important that-that you understand it’s about communicating very private emotions." He plays another note and then stops again to say, "Ya know, umm, you should, you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems.That’s what I’m…" Now frustrated, Chandler interrupts him to insist, "Oh my God! Play!" Ross plays the horrible compilation of keyboard sound effects that he calls a song and upon finishing, looks over to his friends for feedback. Not knowing what to say, Monica lies, "Boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific." Next Chandler confers, "Really, bitchin’" Phoebe chimes in, "Wow, it was so—wow!" Excited from the feedback Ross says, "Really?! I mean, really?!!" Rachel provides reinforcement by suggesting, "Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!" Filled with pride, Ross responds, "Wow! Thanks, you guys. That’s uh, ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I’ll be right back! Okay?" As he starts to leave, he continues, "This is so nice, I’m—I am so..." and then exits without finishing his sentence. After Ross is gone, Monica says, "Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!" Rachel agrees, "Oh, I can’t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers." Disagreeing with Monica and Rachel's true opinion of Ross's music, Phoebe argues, "What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear. [The Knockout] Summoning the sarcastic energy of a thousand suns, Chandler retorts, "You mean like, music?"
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Hard-ass and Wuss
Season 4, Episode 6
Friends S4:E6 - Hard-ass had never faced such a perilous predicament. She had just returned home after a seemingly successful catering evert only to open up her email and click on a video from the customer, Dr. Shake, that revealed he had captured her catering partner, Wuss. Not only was Dr. Shake refusing to pay for the catering services rendered for his oldest daughter's wedding but his video informed Hard-ass that he'd kidnapped Wuss during the reception and was holding her ransom. Should Hard-ass refuse to pay him $100,000, she could expect Wuss to be killed by the blades of 1,000 kitchen knives. She thought, "The nerve on this guy. Not only does he refuse to pay the $7,000 he owes me for catering the wedding, but he expects me to fork over my own hard-earned money to save my catering partner's life? Screw that. To the Flatbread Cave.” With that, Hard-ass walked over to her bookshelves and pulled out a copy of The Martha Stewart Cookbook. This immediately triggered the bookshelves to start slowly turning until a secret passageway was revealed. Hard-ass stepped into the secret passageway and then shimmied down a fireman's pole into the Flatbread Cave. After gathering her footing, she looked over to see Mr. Rice peering up from a switchboard in the control room. She shouted at him, "I'm heading out to save Wuss," as she jumped into her Lambor-linguini. After putting the coordinates for Mr. Shakes lair into the car's navigation system, she turned the ignition, loudly revved the engine several times and then darted away into the night. Peering reverently at the cloud of smoke left behind from the burnt rubber of the Lambor-linguini's tires, Mr. Rice nodded and muttered to himself about Hard-ass,"That's one tough cookie."
In order to remain undetectable by Mr. Shake's henchmen, Hard-ass put on the Lambor-linguini's cloaking device before arriving at his lair. As she parked at the base of the winding path leading up to the lair, she noticed a thick cloud of smoke wafting from the southeast corner of the building that was accompanied by the delightful aroma of wood fired pizza. Hard-ass knew immediately that this was Wuss' way of alerting her to her whereabouts. Inside, Wuss was manning the wood fire grill and seducing Mr. Shake's tastebuds with the sausage and kale pie that she knew would allow Hard-ass to locate her. At first, upon bringing Wuss to his lair, Mr. Shake had planned on locking her in his windowless dungeon until he was paid his full ransom but Wuss, knowing of Mr. Shake's ravenous appetite from the wedding, had used his weakness for gluttony against him by offering to cook him a midnight snack before receding into captivity. Having already come down from the sugar rush of eating three pieces of this daughter's wedding cake, Mr. Shake had foolishly agreed to the offer and was sitting idly at his kitchen table impatiently waiting for Wuss to finish cooking his pizza. Back outside, Hard-ass was meticulously trying to crack the code to open Mr. Shake's security gate but was not having any luck when she remembered she had struck up a friendship earlier in the evening that might pay huge dividends in her current predicament. Taking a shot in the dark, Hard-ass called up the cell phone number Mr. Shake's daughter had given her at the reception after the two had agreed to hang out upon her return from her honeymoon.
The phone rang a couple of times and then Vanilla answered saying, "Hello, who's this?"
Hard-ass responded, "This is Hard-ass from your wedding reception."
"Hey girl. I wasn't expecting to hear from you until after my honeymoon. This is my wedding night after all.""
Sorry, I'm not disturbing anything, am I?"
"Nah, no worries. The fireworks only lasted two minutes. Neapolitan is already fast asleep and snoring."
"I'm so sorry."
"No big deal. I only married Mr. Ice-Cream for money. I mean, relying on my dad's money was getting old. He's too controlling. Neapolitan isn't quite as rich as my dad but at least he stays out of my way. So, what's up?"
"Um, this is a little awkward but I'm at your dad's lair and I need the code to the security gate because he's kidnapped Wuss."
"That jerk. I'm so sorry. The code is 'Cheese balls' Good luck rescuing Wuss. And tell her I said hi."
“Thank you so much. Have an awesome honeymoon in Florence! Ciao."
"Ciao!"
After entering C-h-e-e-z-e-b-a-l-l-s into the gate's security key pad, Hard-ass darted up the driveway towards Mr. Shake's lair. Upon getting to the top of the drive, she jumped out of the Labor-linguini and cooked it over to the southeast corner where she had seen the wood fire grill smoke moments earlier. Hard-ass could see a faint flickering light through a window on the fourth floor immediately below the vent that had been exhuming smoke. She grabbed some rope off of her utility belt and attached one end to a giant metal spatula. She then proceeded to hurl the spatula up to the roof and then tugged on it to make sure it had securely latched to the overhang. Feeling satisfied that with her rope's resistance, Hard-ass scaled the exterior of the lair up to the fourth floor window with the flickering light. Staying true to her name, she pushed with her legs off of the wall and propelled herself through the window into the lair (shattering glass in the process). She picked herself off of the floor and surveyed the room only to discover Wuss sitting and waiting patiently at the kitchen table with Mr. Shake and his henchmen all harmlessly passed out on the floor.Hard-ass asked, "What the hell happened? Did you poison them with that wood fired pizza?"
Wuss responded, "Nope. They were just all so satisfied by the deliciousness of my pie, they simply passed out in contentment."
"Wow, they might call me Hard-ass because I'm the one who collects the money from our catering gigs, but you're the real bad-ass if you can neutralize a threat like Mr. Shake solely with the power of your cooking skills. Well done, Wuss!"
"Thanks, Hard-ass. And thanks for coming to rescue me. I may have been able to neutralize Mr. Shake but I couldn't have escaped without your help. Now, let's get the smell out of here."
"Sounds like a plan. Just let me grab Mr. Shake's wallet first and collect the $7,000 he owes us from the wedding earlier this evening." Hard-ass turns over a snoring Mr. Shakes, grabs his wallet, pulls out the $7,000 they are owed and nods at Wuss that she is ready to leave.Wuss exclaims, "To the Labor-liguini mobile!"
Hard-ass responds, "Indeed. Oh, by the way...Vanilla says, 'Hi.'"
Fin.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe lends money to Monica to pursue her catering business, Chandler finds Kathy a first edition copy of The Velveteen Rabbit (her favorite book) to give her for her birthday but ultimately allows Joey to give it to her so as not to upstage his best friend, Joey (in exchange) forces Chandler to give Kathy a clock-pen for her birthday, Ross discovers that Cheryl (the beautiful woman he is dating) is a complete slob, Rachel finishes a crossword puzzle without any help, Phoebe forces a freeloading widow to pay the catering bill, and Monica agrees to become superhero catering partners with Phoebe aka Hard-ass and Wuss.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is at Central Perk watching Ross outside as he says goodbye to a beautiful woman. As everyone stares at him in disbelief, Ross walks into the coffee shop and says, "I know." Visibly impressed, Monica interjects, "Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?" Even more visibly impressed, Chandler begins muttering, "Where did you, when did you, how did you..." which prompts Joey to slap him on the back of the head. Finally, Chandler finishes asking, "How did you get a girl like that?" Visibly not impressed, Rachel asks, "Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?" Ross responds, "Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era." [The Knockout] Feeling an obligation to put Rachel's insecurities at ease, Chandler sarcastically points out, "Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era."
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I'm Gonna Head
Season 4, Episode 5
Friends S4:E5 - Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. Happy Halloween Eve, girls and boys! How's everybody doing on this fine Monday morning? How am I doing? Well, golly gee...thanks for asking. Personally, I'm a little sleepy after staying up late to watch an all-time classic roller coaster of a World Series game last night. And, I'm sure you can guess that (as a native Texan) I was ecstatic to witness the Houston Astros prevail 13-12 over the Los Angeles Dodgers in yesterday's 10-inning heavy weight slugfest and, in so doing, take a three games-to-two lead in the series. If the Astros are able to capture Houston's first ever World Series championship this year, it will be extra special for the community in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey (one of the most devastating storms in American history). After the two teams catch their breath today, the series resumes back in Los Angeles on Halloween where the Astros will have two chances to win one game that, if captured, would complete their #HoustonStrong march through the postseason and finish the job of adding a little bit of joy during challenging times for thousands of victims in East Texas. Go Stros!
Now to our business at hand. I'm sure many of you are wondering whether or not I'm facing any discipline this week after my "they don't pay me the small bucks for nothing" comment directed at Ted James (my boss) during my last post, I Wanna Quit the Gym. I'm happy to report that, as I predicted, Mr. James was too busy working on Ocho Derrotas to have even noticed. I'm free and clear and still very much suspension-free in 2017. (Here's the part where I press my luck.) Much like Joey's preoccupation with Kathy in today's episode, Mr. James is so obsessed with his own love affair (the Spurs) that any time he is in Spurs-mode, I can get away with bloody murder when it comes to my unrequited crush (TV's the Friends). To further demonstrate the point that Mr. James is completely oblivious to the goings-on of Friends 20/20 when he's in Spurs-mode, if he asked me to explain to him my passion for this column's subject matter, I could go up to him and say, "Okay, Ted, what do you say I go over there and say how much I like Friends? No, no it'll be good. I can tell Friends how much I've been thinking about it. That I haven't stopped thinking about hit since the moment I discovered it. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with Friends, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met the Spurs first!!" And how would he respond? You guessed it.. "Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little." If you actually read this week's column, Mr. James, before you get pissed, see how I tied into today's subject matter as a metaphor? 🤔
Finally, I know we've been off for two weeks, but if my memory serves me correctly, I seem to remember assigning a little bit of homework during our last convening. When last we saw each other, we parted with the question, "Which FRIEND R U?" Pass your answers to the front, class. I'm excited to see which FRIEND people identify with the most. [Long pause while I shuffle through the papers.] Okay, it looks like the results are in and we have 14 Rachels, 12 Chandlers, 11 Phoebes, 10 Joeys, eight Monicas, and four Ross's. It is not surprising to see Rachel and Chandler take the prize for female and male FRIEND that the most people identify with. This seems to follow international trends to a tee. Okay, now that that is completed, moving right along....wait, what's that? You want to know, "Which FRIEND R Ken Adams?" Come on, class. Isn't it obvious? I'll give you a hint. My name says it all. To be fair to those students who are discovering Friends for the first time in real time with us as we move through the series, my name won't register as a clue. So, I'll give you another hint. My theLeftAhead profile picture says it all as well. In case that wasn't a dead giveaway, you have my permission to skip ahead and quickly review Friends S8:E4, The One With the Videotape. So that settles it. Now, for this week's homework I want each and every one of you to go out to a party tomorrow night dressed as your favorite FRIEND for Halloween. You will be expected to present video evidence when we reconvene next week. In the words of David S. Pumpkins, "Any questions?" 🎃👻🧙♀️
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Rachel dates Josh (an NYU Soccer Frat Bro) to get back at Ross for claiming to be dating Amanda (in an attempt to make her jealous), Chandler asks out Kathy (a woman he sees at Central Perk) only to find out that she's already dating Joey, Phoebe discovers that being sick gives her a sexy bluesy voice when she's performing, Monica catches Phoebe's cold, Joey gets upset with Chandler for not making an effort to get along with Kathy, Ross ends up becoming Amanda's babysitter, and Rachel discovers Josh is stealing from her after he tells her, "I'm gonna head."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler is awkwardly hitting on Kathy at Central Perk after Monica had pumped him up to have the courage to ask her out. Realizing that Chandler is hitting on her, Kathy sarcastically observes, "Wow! You are really good at this." Chandler responds, "Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here." Feeling guilty, Kathy offers, "I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date." Chandler turns only to see Joey entering Central Perk as Kathy continues, "Oh, and there he is now." Walking over, Joey says, "Hey." Chandler forces an embarrassed, "Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey," in response. Noticing that Kathy and Chandler are talking, Joey asks, "Hey, I see you guys already met, huh?" [The Knockout] Still flustered by the sudden turn of events while simultaneously displaying his patented sarcasm, Chandler responds, "Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth."
Featured Image Source: Favorite Videos on YouTube
Headline Image Source: Recap Guide
I Wanna Quit the Gym
Season 4, Episode 4
Friends S4:E4 - Happy Monday, Friendsters! Hope everyone had a more relaxing weekend than me. Since (if you've read this blog series for any amount of time) you know that I really enjoy my down time, you can probably guess how annoyed I was when Ted James (Editor-in-chief of the blog, in other words...my boss) called theLeftAhead's entire staff into a weekend-long strategy meeting here at our central offices in Denver. Given that I typically work only one day a week, I'm sure you can imagine how hard it has been on me to have been working for not one, not two, not three, but four consecutive days. Of course, they don't pay me the small bucks for nothing, right? (Oh man, I'm probably going to pay for that comment later...no pun intended.) On second thought, maybe I won't. After all, Mr. James said in our ridiculously unnecessary meeting over the weekend that he will be preoccupied during the early part of this week trying to finish his final Black & Silver post from last season prior to the San Antonio Spurs tipping off the new season on Wednesday night. Adding to my chances of getting away with trashing my boss is the fact that Gregg Popovich (head coach of theLeftAhead's beloved Spurs) excoriated President Trump for the umpteenth time today. I'm sure Mr. James is so enthralled with adding Coach Pop's political musings to his own column, he's going to have little interest in reading mine. I guess we'll know for sure next week, when I let you know if I am writing again under official reprimand. Stay tuned.Speaking of staying tuned, for those of you who have been keeping a close eye on holding me accountable to my promises from prior posts...I'm making good tonight on a one I made in Fine By Me to kick off Season Four. While covering JAY-Z's video for Moonlight in that post, I promised to bring you more examples of Friends references in pop culture that took place during our summer hiatus. Given that today's episode is the one where Chandler wants to quit the gym, I have a perfectly fitting pop culture reference to cover tonight from the hilarious Broad City. The Friends reference, ironically, takes place in the Broad City Season Four premier and features a cameo from Shania Twain (don't call it a comeback). In the scene, Abbi and Trey are training Shania Twain when Shania asks them, "Can we stop? She continues by informing them, "I just, honestly I just want to go home and watch Friends." Hilarity ensues as the Broad City characters inform us which of the Friends characters they most identify with. We even get a Ross Geller impression from Trey! So, considering that I'm fed up for having worked four days in a row and hopefully my boss won't notice, I'm mailing in the rest of today's post but not before giving you a Broad City inspired homework assignment. The question you need to answer, class, is, "Which FRIEND R U?" I'll be eagerly awaiting your answers in two weeks on Halloween. Until then.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler brings Ross to his gym as emotional support during his attempt to cancel his membership, Rachel gets upset and cries after Mr. Treeger criticizes her, Joey tries to tell Treeger off for making Rachel cry and ends up putting Monica and Rachel at risk of getting evicted, Monica demands that Joey fix things with Treeger which in turn forces Joey to become Treeger's dancing partner, Phoebe bites Rick (a massage client that she has a crush on) on the buttocks, and Ross ends up opening a joint checking account with Chandler to pay for the membership he started after Chandler had told him, "I want to quit the gym."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is at Monica and Rachel's apartment having breakfast, Chandler is cleaning out his old wallet, and Rachel is still upset from getting chewed out by Treeger. Joey asks Rachel, "Whoa, whoa. Treeger made you cry?" Still visibly flustered, Rachel responds, "Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true." Enraged, Joey informs the room, "I’m gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson." Monica interjects, " Joey, please don’t do that. I think it’s best that we just forget about it." Rachel responds to Monica as Joey reconsiders confronting Treeger, "That’s easy for you to say, you weren’t almost just killed." After hearing Rachel's response, Joey starts walking to the door saying, "All right that’s it, school is in session!" After Joey slams the door, Monica turns her attention to the contents of Chandler's old wallet and asks him, "My God! Is this a gym card?" [The Knockout] Deadpan, Chandler responds, "Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times."
Pulling a Monica
Season 4, Episode 3
Friends S4:E3 - What it do, Friendinistas. I hope Week 38 of The Resistance finds you well. Leading our efforts this week is a progressive lion who doubles as Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. In a hardcore resistance move straight out of the Che Guevara playbook, Tillerson called President Trump a "moron" or "f*cking moron" depending on which "fake news" source you want to believe. Despite attempts on the right to delegitimize Rex as a crazy fringe leftist, Tillerson's credentials for evaluating POTUS are solid as a rock. After all, if anyone is going to know how to identify a gasbag it's going to be the former head of Exxon Mobile. Talk about "taking on the world's toughest energy challenges." Moving right along, let me refrain from wishing you a Happy Columbus Day. After all, in enlightened places (like here Denver, CO) today is no longer Columbus Day but rather Indigenous People's Day. Imagine that. Some state and local governments have taken it upon themselves to use American ingenuity as a way to convey empathy for the pain felt by native Americans over the imperialistic genocide that's poster child (for better or worse) is Christopher Columbus. Shout out to Minnesota, Vermont, Alaska, and South Dakota (on the state level) and Berkeley, CA, Portland, OR, Salt Lake City, UT, Austin, TX, and Davenport, IA (to name a few on the local level). Yes, indeedy. The ability of state and local governments to turn a negative into a positive is (small r) republicanism at its finest. Right, Senators Graham and Cassidy? But, I digress... Happy Indigenous People's Day, everybody!
So, in case you were wondering (this is a Friends blog series after all), I actually have a few observations about today's episode. First, it probably goes without mentioning but the exchanges between Chandler and Rachel (after Chandler rekindles his fling with Rachel's boss, Joanna) are... Pure. Comedy. Gold. Could that storyline be anymore hilarious? Even though I've seen it a thousand times, I can never get enough of watching Chandler and Rachel problem solve the handcuffing predicament. Second: Is it possible that we've been misjudging Joey's intellectual aptitude since Day One? It's been diligently established over these past three plus years that Joey is not the brightest bulb in the box. While we all have come to view Joey as one of Friends' most lovable characters, one of the things we've come to love about him is his simpleminded air-headedness. Today's episode seemingly calls all of that into question when, after purchasing and reading the Encyclopedia's volume on the letter V, Joey is able to talk extensively with sophistication about numerous topics that begin with the letter V. Could a) perhaps this mean that Joey is, in actuality, not simpleminded but rather merely a slacker who never asserted himself intellectually? Or b) could Joey's newly-aquired aptitude for digesting and sharing knowledge in today's episode perhaps be a Gandalf Gaffe that needs to be scored later in the post? These are two interesting theories but in the end I determined that neither applies. To me, the most logical theory is c) that Joey, as an actor, has the keen ability to memorize vast amounts of information even without the cognitive ability to process intellectually what said information means. We have already seen evidence of this through his work as Drake Ramoray on DOOL. (Spoiler alert: There will also be a key scene later in the series that affirms the validity of this theory.) So to sum up: Joey is who we thought he was and his ability to speak extensively on V-related topics in this episode is not a gaffe but rather the byproduct of the advanced memorization ability he has developed through being an actor. Third and finally, Ross does not have a storyline in today's episode. In fact, he only has three lines in the entire episode! He appears very briefly in a flashback scene as well during the Central Perk scene near the end but he is not directly involved in any of today's storylines. I find this fascinating because it is extremely rare for one of the Friends to only appear anecdotally in an episode and not be part of a storyline. As we've previously discussed, all six of our Friends make at least an appearance in all 236 episodes of the series. However, Ross' "mail in" performance of only three lines in today's episode may in fact be the record for fewest lines of a major character in the entire series run. I think it will be well worth our while for me to continue to monitor the situation and perhaps report back on May 6th, 2024. In the meantime, it probably makes sense for you to check back every single week to make sure there are no further developments on this situation during the interim.
In closing, I don't think I need to remind anybody that last week was a rough week. During our last convening, we talked extensively about the Las Vegas Shooting along with the shocking news of Tom Petty's cardiac arrest. As of the moment that Lipper From Chipper was posted last Monday evening, Tom Petty was still with us. While no longer breaking news by any stretch of the imagination, I feel obligated to follow up on where we left things last week by reporting that we learned of Tom Petty's passing within an hour after posting that evening. I'm sure many of you (like me) are still feeling so many feelings this week over the events of last week: the Las Vegas shooting and the loss of a music icon. Unsurprisingly, these feelings were so dutifully tended to over the weekend by Saturday Night Live. SNL devoted it's cold open to consoling America by letting Jason Aldean (the artist who was on stage at the Route 91 Harvest Festival during the Las Vegas Shooting) perform Tom Petty's masterful anthem of resilience, I Won't Back Down. While I already shared the Tom Petty video for I Won't Back Down as part of last week's tribute, Jason Aldean's SNL tribute is simply magical and well-worth its own spotlight. It is included below. RIP to all of the Las Vegas Shooting casualties and RIP, Tom Petty. Late.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica (with Phoebe's help) caters an event for her mother, Phoebe pumps Monica up after the quiches she made for her mother's event get ruined, Chandler rekindles his fling with Joanna (Rachel's boss), Rachel discovers the Chan Man handcuffed in Joanna's office and makes him an offer he can't refuse, Joey learns all about anything and everything that begins with the letter V, Ross literally has not storyline, and Mrs. Geller is forced to admit she was wrong when her daughter serves her guests a delicious casserole thereby "pulling a Monica."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler is handcuffed to the desk chair in Joanna's office. Lacking the ability to use his hands, he uses his nose to summon Rachel into Joanna's office over the intercom. After Rachel angrily strolls in, Chandler pleads, "Okay, here’s the situation.The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit." Ignoring all of that, Rachel reminds Chandler, "You promised you would break up with her." Chandler counters, "I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!" Still angry, Rachel questions, "And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?" Chandler answers, "It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out." Unmoved, Rachel informs him, "Ya know what Chandler? You got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them." [The Knockout] Clearly panicked, Chandler cries, " No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!!"
Video Source: Jason Aldean on YouTube
Featured Image Source: BuzzFeed
Headline Image Source: Recap Guide
Lipper From Chipper
Season 4, Episode 2
Friends S4:E2 - Hey there, Friends fam. Sorry for the melancholy greeting but it really can't be helped. Waking up this morning to the news of another deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history was so gut-wrenching and awful. In fact, much like Phoebe in the Headline Image we've used for today's post, all I wanted to do this morning was put my head down and pet one of my kitties. I don't know how many more of these mass shootings we, as a country, should be expected to endure. It is difficult trying to imagine the sheer terror and chaos those innocent concert goers must have experienced last night while trying to enjoy some live music in Las Vegas. It's almost beyond comprehension to think about what it would have felt like to have been caught in the middle of such carnage. My heart goes out to all of the shooting victims and my hat is off to the first responders and other concert goers who helped in the saving of lives. Also, this is EXACTLY the time to start talking about and fighting for #GunControlNow.bShame on all of us for not having the courage to pass common sense gun reform after Sandy Hook. I'm tired of politicians tweeting #PrayFor_____ after every senseless mass shooting. Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Elected Official. Prayer abdicates responsibility to do your job. Relying on it as a reflex in the aftermath of these shootings implies that they're unavoidable and it is beyond our power as citizens to make better collective choices to avoid or significantly limit them. Do not hide behind faith for absolution. We all know the science says that these tragedies are largely preventable. Therefore, your failure to act after one gives you culpability in the next. Americans, like me, who are fed with the grandstanding and political cover given to the gun lobby so it can continue making money hand over fist profiting off of the sales of weapons and magazines that have no business being sold in a civilized society are watching what you do next. We are watching and we will remember your response to the Las Vegas massacre when we go to the ballot box in 2018, 2020, and 2022. Continue standing with the NRA on the wrong side of history at your own political peril.
So, I had been planning a lot that I wanted to say about today's episode of Friends. That is, prior to digesting the latest mass shooting. After a day of heartache, it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I'm assuming that everyone reading agrees. To make matters worse (as if the shooting itself wasn't enough to absorb) we also learned today about legendary rocker Tom Petty. He was discovered in his home after experiencing a full cardiac arrest. It was first reported that the musical genius had died and therefore I (along with millions of fans around the world) spent the next several hours attempting to process his death alongside the earlier Las Vegas shooting. Later in the day, reports started trickling out that in fact, Tom Petty has not died but has, indeed, been taken off of life support. As of the time that I'm writing (Monday evening), there has not been a second report released of Tom Petty's death so, as best I can tell, he is still with us. Ironically, the only thing I have for a frame of reference for this bizarre Tom Petty death retraction is Friends S1:E8, The One Where Nana Dies Twice. I think the episodes title makes the connection fairly self-explanatory. Anyway...hang in there, Tom. Your fans are with you. In your own words, "You can stand me up against the gates of hell but I won't back down." That's all I've got tonight, class. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. Next week, a brighter week. See you then.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica gets asked out by Chip Mathews (Rachel's former prom date), Rachel feels uncomfortable about Monica going on a date with Chip but ultimately gives her blessing when Mon explains that she's trying to retroactively experience what it feels like to be popular in high school, Chandler forces Joey to agree to sell his entertainment center after ripping a suit on it, Phoebe believes the spirit of her mom (Lilly) is reincarnated in Julio the cat, Ross is forced to apologize to Phoebe's mom (for doubting that her spirit is in fact living inside Julio the cat) in order to show his support for his friend Phoebe, Joey ends up getting locked inside his entertainment center (and getting he and Chandler robbed in the process) while trying to make a sale, and Monica realizes (because Chip is a loser that still hangs out with his high school buddies, still works at the movie theatre, and still live at home with his parents) that it isn't that great to get a Lipper from Chipper.
Gandalf Gaffes - This may very well go down as the tiniest gaffe in the entire 236 episode Friends series run. Nonetheless, since we have established the precedent that changes in the actor playing a character from episode to episode are considered gaffes, we have one to report from today's episode. In Friends S4:E2, The One With the Cat, Dan Gauthier plays present day Chip Mathews. However, in Friends S2:E14, The One With the Prom Video an uncredited actor (but clearly not Dan Gauthier) makes the slightest of slight appearance as Chip Mathews when Monica and Rachel are scurrying off to prom in the video in which Ross gets dressed up to take her before realizing that Chip had indeed shown up. Since the uncredited actor establishes who Chip Mathews is for our Friends universe but is clearly not Dan Gauthier, when the latter shows up to play Chip in today's episode, I'm left with no choice but to book it as a gaffe. This is a level one infraction and may very well prove to be the smallest infraction of all when all is said and done.
Gandalf Gaffe #16: The role of Chip Mathews is played in this episode by Dan Gauthier. However in Friends S2:E14, The One With the Prom Video Chip Mathews is played by an uncredited different actor.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler has come home to discover that Joey is trapped in the entertainment center and their apartment is close to empty. He frees Joey and asks, "What happened?" Joey surveys the apartment and responds, "Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!" Repeating himself, Chandler asks again, "What the hell happened? How were you locked in? And where the hell is all of our stuff?" Joey begins to explain, "Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!" Dumbfounded, Chandler follows up, "So, you got in voluntarily?" Joey defends himself by pointing out, "I was tryin’ to make a sale!" He then continues, "Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?" [The Knockout] Exasperated, Chandler sarcastically responds, "Bend over!"
Video Source: TomPettyVEVO on YouTube
Featured Image Source: love-haight cupcakes
Headline Image Source: Friends Wikia
Fine By Me
Season 4, Episode 1
Friends S4:E1 - Guess who's back? Back again. Kenny's back. Tell your FRIENDS. And it feels so good to be back. Greetings, welcome, and great to see you, Mercedes-Friends Nation! Man, it feels like we've been gone for a long time. In fact, the last time we got together was quite literally one hundred President Trump controversies ago. So, politics aside, how was your summer? As you might have suspected, mine was insane. Any of you who have followed this blog series for any amount of time know that I like to spend my off-seasons barefoot with my toes in the sand somewhere tropical. Well, knowing that, you might be able to further deduce that this summer, my affinity for tropical climates and sandy beaches came with some complications. While under normal circumstance I like to allow you to live vicariously through my braggadocios accounts of my beach adventures, given the devastation we've witnessed over these past several weeks, clearly these are not normal circumstances. Yes, I spent time this summer in some of the places that have been devastated by hurricanes and flooding but no, I was never directly in harms way. I know many, many people were. For some, their lives will never be the same. For others, it will take years to put the pieces back together. On behalf of the entire staff here at theLeftAhead, I want to extend our most heartfelt condolences to all affected by these devastating storms. To our friends and family in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and elsewhere who are doing the hard work of rebuilding, we are with you. There are many amazing efforts being made to raise funds and gather supplies to provide relief. In fact, there are too many to name but for anyone who wants to make a worthwhile hurricane disaster relief donation while or after reading this post, theLeftAhead is supporting retired San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan's efforts in the U.S. Virgin Islands.
With that said, our work at hand seems to be trivial but, regardless, we should and we will keep it moving. In fact, if these next few moments of me rambling on about the happenings at Phoebe's client's beach house can bring even the slightest amount of joy to even one Friends-loving hurricane victim, then I'll consider this a worthwhile endeavor. Alrighty, then. When last we left our pals, they were hanging out at the aforementioned beach house and Ross was put in the position to choose between staying with his girlfriend Bonnie or dumping her to try and rekindle his romance with Rachel. That's right, boys and girls. In other words, when last we left our pals, we were gifted the classic sitcom cliff hanger to chew on over the summer. And to the surprise of absolutely no-one, Season 4 opens by revealing to us that...duh duh duh...Ross chooses Rachel. This kicks off a comical chain of events that culminate in the phrase heard round the world: "Fine by me." These hilarious goings on will be discussed in greater detail in the latter sections of the post (we actually have two Gandalf Gaffes in today's episode) but with the remaining time I have to devote to open commentary, I want to turn to one of my favorite pastimes: highlighting Friends references in modern pop culture. As you can imagine, multiple pop culture references can begin to build up when we're off for an entire summer. This summer was no different as I already have multiple occurrences to chronicle from Summer 2017. I plan to get to all of them over the coming weeks but there was one major one that deserves our undivided attention in our "Back-To-School" post. This blockbuster pop culture Friends homage of epic proportions landed a little more than a month ago in mid-August. Ironically, the timing of us reconvening to discuss it could not be more apropos given the controversy that President Trump stirred up over the weekend. So without further clarification or commentary, here is the video for JAY-Z - Moonlight:
So, now that we've all watched the video (probably not for the first time), I pick back up without agenda. I'm more interested in making a couple of thought provoking observations to add to the depth of thought around this rather than laying out a commentary narrating to you how you should feel about the way JAY-Z posts up in such a provocative way at the intersection of race and Friends. First, regardless of the racial implications, I found this remake quite enjoyable atheistically simply because I am quite fond of the episode being remade. On a basic level, it was really cool to see different actors remaking this classic episode. Secondly, I found it interesting that in making a statement about white privilege and institutional racism (a point that I appreciate in that I happen to agree those are major issues in American society), JAY-Z chose to parody an exceptional episode of an exceptional predominantly white sitcom. In doing so his statement becomes part homage while also part criticism. If he only intended to make a critical statement, I suspect he would have been better served parodying a mediocre predominantly white sitcom. For arguments sake, let's use Friends spin-off Joey as an example. Parodying the mediocre sitcom Joey in making the point that "even when we win, we 'gon lose" would've been more effective, albeit less provocative. The fact that he parodied one of the best episodes of one of the best shows of all-time is interesting to me because it makes his statement more layered and nuanced than had he parodied white sitcom mediocrity. Returning to our example, if he had parodied Joey, I would have interpreted his commentary as indisputably criticizing white privilege and institutional racism. But is it not something else entirely since he chose to parody predominantly white sitcom excellence of the highest order? Just a little food for thought. Definitely worth chewing over. And, if indeed I have gotten you to use that muscle inside your skull a little bit this evening, class..then my work here is done. On to the recap and what not. It's really good to be back.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross chooses Rachel over Bonnie, Rachel writes Ross a letter laying out the conditions that Ross must agree to in order for her to give the relationship another chance, Monica tries to pee on herself, Joey tries to pee on Monica, Chandler definitely pees on Monica (could Monica be more covered in Chandler's pee?), Phoebe finds out things she has in common with her birth mom, and Ross and Rachel get in such a big fight that when Rachel breaks it off with Ross again he responds by saying, "fine by me."
Gandalf Gaffes - Well, we certainly know how to come back with a bang in the Double G department. Guess what, boys and girls? I have (count 'em) not one but two gaffes to offer up as sacrifice to the Sitcom Consistency Gods from this, our Back-To-School episode. So, enough with the formalities. Let's get right into it, shall we? Our first gaffe of Season 4 takes place in a conversation at the beach between Joey and Chandler. Full disclosure: the gaffe occurs during a scene that is not included in the broadcast version of S4:E1 but can be found in the extended-episode DVD version (Please note: it has been repeatedly established in Seasons 1-3 of Friends 20/20 that the Collector's Edition DVD episodes rather than the broadcast episodes are our bible for playing the Gandalf Gaffe game of chronicling Friends continuity issues). The conversation takes place just after Phoebe has informed Joey and Chandler that her mom's friend Phoebe is actually her birth mother. After processing the information, Joey presents Chandler with the hypothetical of finding out that his mother is not actually his mother but instead his birth mother is "hot." Playing along, Chandler points out that it wouldn't matter whether or not she's "hot" because it's your mother. Joey responds by informing Chandler that he was talking specifically about Chandler's mother with his hypothetical and therefore it would be great for him (as Chandler's friend) if Chandler's newly discovered birth mom were "hot." This exchange, while comical, is also inconsistent with previously established precedent. Ironically, exactly one year prior, in S3:E1, after discovering the embarrassing tidbit that sometimes Chandler's mom creeps into his head while he's having sex, Joey attempts to comfort Chandler by confiding that he does it too. He goes on to say that he always pictures Chandler's mom when he's having sex. While this is not only a hilarious moment, it is also revealing. The implication is that Joey thinks Chandler's mom is "hot" if he "always" pictures her while having sex. Therefore, since it was previously established that Joey thinks Chandler's mom is "hot," it is a Gandalf Gaffe for him to insinuate that she's not "hot" a year later by putting together a hypothetical of Chandler discovering that she's not his birth mom and subsequently discovering that his birth mom is "hot." I'm ruling this as a level two infraction. Our second Double G of the episode is the rare in-episode gaffe. This one is perpetrated by Chandler while telling the epic story of the Jellyfish incident at Monica and Rachel's apartment. During his recanting of the events, Chandler reports that he can still hear Joey screaming at him, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!" and he goes on to say that "sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming." This certainly adds theatrics to the story Chandler is telling but unfortunately for him and the Friends writers there's just one major problem: his recanting of the jellyfish incident is taking place on the same day as the incident itself so it is impossible for him to still hear the screaming late at night. How do I know that the recanting is taking place on the same day as the incident? Our heroes are all wearing the same clothes that they were wearing upon leaving the beach house. Game. Set. Match. Because Chandler's storytelling theatrics could have been explained away as simply that, this is a minor infraction but an infraction nonetheless. Chandler indulging his story? Level one infraction. Me starting the season off with a bang by pinpointing one in-episode gaffe and two Gandalf Gaffes overall? Priceless.
Gandalf Gaffe #14: Joey contradicts the already established precedent that he thinks Chandler's mom is "hot" when proposing a hypothetical to Chandler about his mom. In the hypothetical, Chandler discovers that his mom is not really his mom and instead, his real mom is "hot." It can be inferred from this hypothetical that Joey does not find Chandler's mom attractive. This is inconsistent with a revelation that Joey made to Chandler in (ironically enough) S3:E1. During that episode, Joey reveals to Chandler that, "I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex." The implication is that Joey indeed finds Chandler's mom attractive.
Gandalf Gaffe #15: While telling the epic story of the jellyfish incident, Chandler makes the rare in-episode gaffe by claiming that, "Joey kept screaming at me, 'Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!' Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming." This is all well and good, except for the fact that (based on everybody still wearing the same clothes they left the beach in) he is telling this story on the very same day as the incident. It would be impossible for him to "still hear the screaming" late at night.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica, Chandler, and Joey are in Monica and Rachel's kitchen when they hear Ross and Rachel fighting in the bedroom. Monica and the guys try to escape to the coffee shop but Ross and Rachel come storming out into the living room before they can make a run for it. After Rachel and Ross exchange barbs where they both express there desire to be broken up again, Rachel informs Ross, " I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!" Ross fires back, "Oh, no-no-no. Don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!" Not to be discouraged or outdone, Rachel claims the last word, "And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!" [The Knockout] Appearing as if he had just been presented with scientific evidence confirming his most deeply held belief, Chandler vulnerably yet emphatically declares, "I KNEW IT!"
Best Friends Forever
Season 3, Episode 25
Friends S3:E25 - I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. Yo... what is good, Mercedes-Friends. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Season 3 Finale of Friends 20/20. Considering that these posts are generally three to seven minute reads, you are mere minutes away from our summer vacation. As I mentioned last week, I'm going off the grid somewhere tropical as soon as I hand this column off to my editor. It feels amazing to know that I'm only a few short hours away from being on a beach with an umbrella in my drink. That being the case, I'm ready to get right to it. I thought we'd start today's festivities by doing something fun. Since I'm writing a season finale titled Best Friends Forever, it got me to thinking about the individual relationships among the main characters on Friends. We know they are a close-knit group but thinking about BFFs begs the question: who is the BFF for each of the six main characters on the show? Let's break it down, shall we? Ladies first. Phoebe's BFF has got to be Monica. Prior to Rachel entering the group in the pilot, Phoebe and Monica were roommates. Therefore, the fact that Phoebe has known Monica longer gives Monica the edge over Rachel in earning the title Phoebe's BFF. Of course, once we use that logic to anoint Monica as Phoebe's BFF, we have to use it to anoint her as Rachel's as well. Rachel and Monica have been friends since childhood and we just established that Phoebe and Rachel only met for the first time during the Friends pilot. The fact that Rachel has known Monica significantly longer than she's known Phoebe makes it a safe assumption that Monica is also Rachel's BFF. Having already earned the title of being both of her best friends' best friend, the real question here is, Who is Monica's BFF? Now that's a real humdinger. While Phoebe and Monica were roommates for a couple of years before the pilot, the fact that Monica has such a history with Rachel dating back to childhood gives Rachel the slight edge. Now for the guys. Joey is pretty easy...Chandler wins this in a landslide over Ross. Don't get me wrong, Joey and Ross are really good friends but how can that compete with Joey and Chandler being roommates? These two have been close to inseparable during these first few seasons of the show. I mean, come on...they are even raising chicks and ducks together. Moving on to Ross' BFF, this one is also relatively easy to score based on the logic used to determine the girls' BFFs. Ross and Chandler were college roommates and have known each other much longer than Ross has known Joey. Based on that, it's safe to assume that Chandler is Ross' BFF as well. The fact that Chandler has now joined Monica with having secured the BFF title from both his two best friends means that either Ross or Joey is going to have the dubious distinction of joining Phoebe as the only Friends who are no one's BFF. While the longevity logic has guided us most of the way through this process, here is where is gets usurped. The roommate bond that Chandler shares with Joey is just too powerful for Ross to overcome with the ammunition that he's known Chandler longer and was his college roommate. Joey and Chandler are each other's BFF. It's not really debatable. You just have to use the eye test to know that, as much as they love their buddy Ross, Chandler and Joey share a next level type of best friendship. For real, this is about more than just jewelry. It's about the fact that they are best buds. Sorry Ross, maybe you and Phoebe should consider scrapping your previous BFF and becoming each other's? So to recap...
Friends BFF List
Phoebe's BFF - Monica
Rachel's BFF - Monica
Monica's BFF - Rachel
Joey's BFF - Chandler
Ross' BFF - Chandler
Chandler's BFF - Joey
Wasn't that a fun game? I knew you'd enjoy it. Much like how you'll have no idea what tropical island I'm flying off to this afternoon until I reveal it to you when we reconvene in September, Friends: Season 3 ends in a cliff hanger. At the end of our beach episode, Ross needs to choose between staying with Bonnie or pursuing the spark he has going to rekindle his relationship with Rachel. After consulting with Joey and Chandler and making his decision, Ross walks into one of the bedrooms in the beach house to inform the recipient of his heart's desire that he wants to spend the remainder of the beach trip with her. The only problem is that we, the audience, are not shown who he walks in to be with. We are cruelly left for the summer to wonder if Ross and Rachel are getting back together or not. And this, ladies and gentleman, is how the Friends writers choose to end the most tumultuous season arc of one of the most famous couples in television history. While, obviously frustrating to have to wait, I must admit that these season-ending cliff hangers (that the Friends writers start deploying regularly after successfully pulling off this one) are one of the characteristics of the show that helps set it apart. Having to wait all summer to find out what happens next does wonders for increasing the audiences' attachment to the characters. There's a lot for us to learn from Friends' brilliant cliff-hanger writing and being that I'm a firm believer in putting knowledge to practice as quickly as possible, it's time to bid you a fond farewell. I'm on the first thing smoking out to an island that (peering into my crystal ball) may involve a keynote speech delivered by Ross down the road. The name of the island I'm heading to is...[CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS]
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe invites the gang to go to the beach in Montauk because she is trying to track down a high school friend of her parent's also named Phoebe, Chandler gets obsessed with convincing Monica that he's datable, Rachel and Ross start flirting at the beach even though Ross is currently involved with Bonnie, Joey wants everyone to play strip poker and (when Chandler finally gets everyone to play) they all gang up against Joey until he's stripped of all his clothes, Monica tries to advise Rachel to be careful with Ross, Ross realizes he needs to choose between Bonnie and Rachel after Bonnie shows up at the beach, and Phoebe discovers that her parent's friend Phoebe is actually her birth mom making them her more than her parent's BFF.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is gathering outside of Central Perk when Phoebe arrives in her grandmother's cab to drive everyone to the beach. After exchanging pleasantries, Phoebe informs Monica, Ross, Joey, and Chandler, "Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house." Suspecting that Phoebe is omitting information, Ross asks, "Yeah? What about uh...that bike messenger you hit?" Phoebe responds matter-of-factly, "Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma." Immediately after this, Rachel walks up wearing a ridiculously oversized hat. As she is saying hello to everyone, Joey notices the spectacle and says, "Hey-hey, check out the hat!" [The Knockout] Getting in on the fun, Chandler lampoons Rachel by saying, "What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!!"
Featured Image Source: Buvau Kine
Headline Image Source: Spreadshirt
You're In Sample
Season 3, Episode 24
Friends S3:E24 - What's good, Friendlies? Happy Monday to you. Welcome to the penultimate post of Friends 20/20, Season 3. Typing those words is music to my fingers. I won't lie, I am readier than ready for summer vacation. In about one week and four hours from now I will be touching down somewhere tropical and dropping off of the grid faster than AT&T cellular service in a building with a steel roof. In other words, I will be unreachable. While I'm very much looking forward to the extended break, I'm still tripping on the fact that (after next week) we'll still only be 30 percent of the way through this Frankenstein monstrosity of a project that I somehow concocted on a whim during a long drive between Denver and Albuquerque way back in September 2014. Prior to that, while in preliminary discussions with Ted James about coming on board at theLeftAhead as a pop culture writer, I knew I wanted to do something with Friends and it's congruency issues because I had already been living in the Friends vortex for many years and my wife and I already enjoyed identifying inconsistencies while we were binge watching reruns. Mr. James and I agreed that I should do something for the 20th anniversary of the series premiere (September 22, 2014) as my debut submission to the blog and he liked the idea around congruency issues (what ultimately became the Gandalf Gaffe section of Friends 20/20). However, the marathon idea I came up with on that drive from Denver to Albuquerque has proven to be both a gift and a curse. The idea to do a blog post on the 20th anniversary of every episode of the series has been a gift because Mr. James loved it and, as a result of Friends having a ten-year run, it has secured me ten years of job security at theLeftAhead. On the other hand, it has been a curse because (I won't lie) it sometimes can be excruciatingly monotonous to blog about the same show week after week after week. Don't get me wrong, it's been much more of a gift than a curse and I feel that we've deployed creativity in some really exciting ways to interrupt the monotony. I'm far from bitter, I was just wigging out thinking about the fact that we're still less than a third of the way down this Mad Hatter rabbit hole. So thanks for allowing me to vent but let's keep it moving...shall we?
This episodes offers a very special (and vary random) cameo by two comedy legends. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in the cold open playing two neurotic friends who impose themselves on the gang while having a conversation at Central Perk. Williams, of course, is using one of his famous accents to play his character. Crytal's character informs Williams' character that he's having an affair with his wife and then, as expected, hilarity ensues with the way Williams responds. This randomly placed cameo, while hysterical, has no bearing on the larger plot of the episode and seems to be some sort of "right place at the right time" moment to seize on an opportunity to have these two comedic geniuses add some valuable street cred to Friends as it was still building it's following. I'm not mad at it. More importantly...RIP, Robin Williams. There is a noticeable void in the world since we lost the joy that emanated from your singular talent. In other cameo news, a few weeks ago I teased another cameo later this season related to Ben Stiller's cameo in Idiot! Low and behold, loyal readers, that moment has arrived as none other than Christine Taylor (Ben Stiller's wife of 17 years) makes a cameo in this episode, playing Phoebe's "bald" friend Bonnie. Granted, Stiller and Taylor were not married in 1997 when they both appeared on Friends but my sources tell me they were already friends (see what I did there). Back to Bonnie, Phoebe asks Rachel permission to set her up with Ross...which Rachel agrees to under the assumption that Bonnie is a weird, bald chick. When Rachel discovers that Bonnie has grown her hair back out and is no longer weird or bald, it's fair to say she's more than a little perturbed with Phoebe. While Bonnie appears briefly in this episode, she will reappear in next week's season finale to play an important part in advancing our season-long Ross & Rachel story arc. How's that for good blogging? I just completed the explanation for one teaser while simultaneously offering up another one. Click back next week to participate in our discussion of Christine Taylor's ongoing cameo and the role it plays in moving along the Ross & Rachel saga. To borrow from Black & Silver (theLeftAhead's other currently active blog series)...one left.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler's boss won't stop slapping him on the butt to communicate praise, Monica supports Pete as he trains to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion, Joey demonstrates fish hooking to show how violent Ultimate Fighting is, Phoebe asks Rachel's permission to introduce Ross to her friend Bonnie, Rachel grants said permission because she's under the impression that Bonnie is bald, Ross hits it off with Bonnie, and Chandler finally gets up the guts to ask his boss to stop slapping his butt without having to tell him his idea for a sign that reads, "you're in sample."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is at Monica and Rachel's apartment discussing Chandler's predicament of trying to figure out how to get his boss to stop slapping him on the butt. Ross advises, "All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Ya know just, uh, don’t turn your back to him." Joey counters, "Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson.Ya know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?" [The Knockout] Bewildered by Joey's logic coupled with his inability to come up with the obvious answer to his own question, Chandler wonders, "What if Joey were president?"
What's a Koondis With You?
Season 3, Episode 23
Friends S3:E23 - Hey there, Friendinistas. What's a koondis with you? Welcome to Week 15 of the resistance. I hope this message finds you well. Our feckless would-be Supreme Leader just celebrated the completion of his first 100 days in office by holding a 2016 campaign rally in Harrisburg, VA at the exact same time he should have been in the audience at the White House Correspondents' Dinner listening to Hasan Minhaj channel a Michelin Star chef by expertly roasting him like the chicken Ala orange he is, was, and always will be. But enough about our Complainer-In-Chief. We'll have plenty of time (here at theLeftAhead) to devote to him over the summer after we wrap up the third installment of Friends 20/20 and the fifth installment of Black & Silver. Speaking of Black & Silver and the San Antonio Spurs, our offices have been awfully quiet around here these last couple of weeks as Ted James (your Editor-In-Chief and my boss) has been dutifully blogging away about the 2017 NBA Playoffs from the recesses of his underground bunker rather than writing his Spurs column from here. More power to him but, unfortunately for you, this provides me with a rare opportunity to mail in my assignment this morning, hightail it out of here by noon, and be on a hiking trail somewhere in the foothills of the Rockies by 2:00 pm. Considering that I put a lot of time and effort into the last three posts in the series (or what I'm now dubbing The Chick and The Duck Trilogy), I think I've earned the right to half-ass this one. I mean, they can't all be masterpieces, people. Plus, if you know me (and I think you do) you know that at this time of year I start jonesing hard for my summer vacation. Since this is the third to last post of the third seasons of Friends, I promise I will bring my A game again for the last two and finish up strong. For now, though, I'm off to get in touch with my inner-Guru Saj. In other words, I'm going to go find some weird plants in the mountains, rub them on myself, and see if they give me a rash. And that's what's a koondis with me. Also, Go Spurs Go! Catch you next week.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross has a run-of-the mill "third nipple," Phoebe plays the field dating two guys at once, Joey discovers Pete's checkbook and tells Monica he wrote a huge check to a ring designer, Monica also finds out Pete has big news to tell her which (coupled with the ring designer discovery) makes her suspect he's going to ask her to marry him, Rachel thinks Monica should have a money-themed wedding, Chandler gets scolded by Phoebe's firefighting boyfriend about fire safety, and Guru Saj accidentally slices off Ross' "third nipple" with his watch and thereby answers the question, "What's a koondis with you?"
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey and Chandler are at home playing with the Chick and the Duck. Ross walks in and asked them to do him a favor by checking out something weird on his body. When Joey and Chandler express hesitation, Ross pleads, "Come on you guys, it's no big deal!" He starts pulling down his pants and shows something to Joey and Chandler that's near his derrière. After glancing at it, Chandler makes a "whoa-eeeeeyyy" noise before confusingly muttering, "huh." Concerned, Ross asks, "Well what is it? Is it a mole?" Joey answers, "No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole." Even more freaked out, Ross asks again, "Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?" This time, Chandler answers, informing him, " No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a..." At this point Rachel walks in the apartment which startles Chandler and makes him stop mid-sentence. Rachel starts to ask a question but then stops after looking in on the peculiar scene of Ross standing with his pants pulled down while Joey and Chandler are peering over him. She looks perplexed which causes an awkward silence. [The Knockout] Finally, to break the palpable tension in the air, Chandler jokes, "Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter."
Featured Image Source: @FriendsReruns on Twitter
Headline Image Source: Daily Echol
Idiot!
Season 3, Episode 22
Friends S3:E22 - Okay, okay, everyone settle down and take your seats. Look, I know you're all all very anxious to get your grades back on the homework assignment but we're going to do that at the end of class. Come on...I wasn't born yesterday. First, we'll do today's lesson. Then, you get your papers back. If we do it the other way around, many of you will be so preoccupied with your grades that you won't absorb any of the information that I'm going to be presenting. What's that, Susie? Where's little Johnny? Well, I regret to inform everyone but I just spoke to his parents this morning and they informed me that Johnny don't wanna go to school no mo' (no mo'). It's a shame too. Why? that now, you'll find out at the end of class. Okay, I know you're all ready for grades so just bear with me while we power through the lesson first. In today's episode, we're gifted a pretty significant celebrity cameo. That's right, boys and girls. When Rachel needs a date for Joey's play in order to save face with Ross, she invites out a seemingly casual acquaintance named Tommy. And who, you might ask, plays Rachel's new squeeze Tommy? Well, none other than Ben Stiller, of course. Stiller leaves quite a mark on the GOAT sitcom by playing a character whose bizarre behavior is more than memorable. We, the audience, quickly discover that Tommy has a huge anger management problem. He reveals himself in front of Ross by screaming at a couple who is sitting in their seats before Joey's play. Among other things, Tommy calls the gentleman an "Idiot!" (Shout out to another classic sitcom, The Office because it's hard to think about the word Idiot in pop culture terms without thinking about Dwight Schrute. God bless you, Dwight Schrute.) Unfortunately for Ross, he's the only person there to witness the tirade and when he tells the gang about it...no one believes him. Tommy later turns his venom on Ross and again no one believes Ross that Tommy is crazy. Finally, the gang discovers Tommy's crazy when they walk into Chandler and Joey's apartment and find him tearing into the Chick and the Duck. Everybody knows that messing with the Chick and the Duck is a no-no (I mean, they are practically modern day folk heroes, after all) so, unsurprisingly, that was the end of Tommy on Friends. Okay, once again I know you're all anxious to get your grades back, but a couple of housekeeping items to tie up regarding Ben Stiller's cameo before we move on from today's episode. First, there is another cameo coming up later this season that relates very intimately to Ben's appearance on the show. I wanted to mention it so that you can keep your eyes and ears open over the next few weeks while finishing up the semester. Secondly, I wanted to mention another interesting connection between Stiller and David Schwimmer since Tommy spent most of his time on Friends interacting with Ross. Funnily enough, on the fourth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David is cast to play Max Bialystock in The Producers on Broadway. During the season-long story arc, Ben Stiller is originally cast to play Leo Bloom alongside Larry David and is later replaced by David Schwimmer after Stiller quits to production because he can't work with the Seinfeld co-creator anymore. So there you go. It's funny how world's collide in the sitcom universe, sometimes. Okay, class. Now for the moment you've all been waiting for. The reason Johnny's parents said he doesn't want to go to school no mo' is because he's afraid he's going to get suspended for his drawing of me. It's too bad. I think he would have been pleasantly surprised if he had showed up today. Will somebody volunteer to take Johnny's paper and drawing home to him? Great, thanks Susie. I really hope seeing his results on this assignment might inspire him to get back in school. With that out of the way, are you ready, class? (Drum roll please.) Here are your grades...
Susie: You have a vivid imagination and an adventurous spirit. I really appreciated your stab at writing Friends fan fiction. The twist of bringing Mr. Heckles back from the dead was quite a pleasant surprise. Grade: A+
Timmy: When I suggested that you were free to write about the NCAA Championship game if you would like, you really took that to heart. Much like theLeftAhead Editor-In-Chief Ted James, you're clearly passionate about basketball. In pop culture writing, however, while it's perfectly reasonable to reference topical stories form the world of sports, we must be mindful that not everyone in our audience (readers who care about the classic sitcom Friends) also care about sports. That being the case, it was quite risky of you to devote the entirety of your piece to an analytic breakdown of the game. Nevertheless, I'm glad your favorite team, the North Carolina Tar Heels, took home the trophy. Grade: C
Sally: You did a solid job of giving a matter of fact report on the who, what, when, and where of Friends S3:E20. However, there were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors. You would be well served to go back and proof read your work next time. Grade: B-
Charlie: When, at first glance, I saw that you were writing a poem called The House of No Imagination, I was skeptical that such a deviation had much hope to pass muster. After reading your work, however, I'm quite impressed. Your meter is lovely and your metaphors have quite the Whitman-esque flare to them. Grade: A
Bonnie: I find it quite a stretch to believe that the 2017 version of Monica and Chandler would be supporters of Donald Trump and really believe that he's going to Make America Great Again. Maybe Joey. Grade: D
Johnny: Last week, when I first saw your drawing of me, I was heartbroken. I thought, for sure, this was an indication that your work would not be up to snuff and would put you at risk of failing for the third year in a row. However, I decided (despite the vulgar drawing) to grade your writing with an open mind. In so doing, I was pleasantly surprised. I was quite impressed that you studied ahead from Friends S3:E20 to S3:E21 to incorporate the Chick and the Duck into your piece. And, I must say, despite the fact that you used me as a character that is viciously murdered and eaten, your work was quite creative and well written. It just goes to show that you have a great deal of potential, Johhnny. If you stay in school and decide to start working hard, I see big things in your future. Also, please take your drawing home with you. I never want to see or think about it ever again. Grade: B+
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Rachel asks a casual acquaintance named Tommy to be her date for Joey's play in order to save face with Ross, Ross witnesses Tommy losing his temper at the play but can't get any of his friends to believe him, Monica is over the moon that she has a boyfriend - not so much that it's Pete - but really over the moon about having a boyfriend, Chandler convinces the Chick and the Duck that they're not allowed to go to the theater, Phoebe misses Joey's play because she's on hold trying to use her warranty on a broken phone, Joey takes care of a drunken Kate after the play and finally has "the night" with her, and Ross is finally vindicated when the gang walks in on Tommy making a scene yelling at the Duck after the Chick pooped in his hand and he called Yasmine an Idiot!
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Ross are at Central Perk when Rachel informs everyone that Tommy is on the way to pick her up. This trigger Ross to get up the nerve to inform Rachel about Tommy's crazy. Ross tells her, "Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but..(he pauses to thing). All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore." Rachel sarcastically responds, "You don’t?" Ross continues, "No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him." Unconvinced, Rachel continues with the sarcasm, "Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men." Undeterred, Ross keeps making his case, arguing, "No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats." [The Knockout] Throwing Ross under the bus, Chandler interjects, "Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up ya know, and he just started like, (Chandler starts mimicking clapping) banging his hands together!"
Featured Image Source: Meh.
Headline Image Source: The Today Show
The Chick and The Duck
Season 3, Episode 21
Friends S3:E21 - Welcome back, girls and boys. I hope everyone enjoyed our week off and more importantly, I hope everyone took that extra time to really apply yourselves to putting forward your best effort on the homework assignment. Go ahead and pass your papers to the front, class. Let's see what we have here. That means you too, Johnny. No more monkey business. Just because you're sitting in the very back doesn't mean I can't see what you're up to. Keep passing those papers to the front, kiddos. Okay, great. Remember, these will count for 20 percent of your final grade. Damniit, Johnny...Susie's beret is not a toy, give it back to her. In fact, go to the principle's office. I've had enough of your shenanigans today. Attention, everyone. Now that Johnny is gone, I need everyone's eyes on me. I'll have these papers graded by next Monday and will return them to you then. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone came up with. Let's open our books up to the third chapter, page 21. Moving right into our lesson, in today's episode we are finally introduced for the first time to the characters who have the honor of representing the official Friends 20/20 hashtag. They are our blog series' torch bearers, if you will. The first of these two iconic characters to make her debut into the Friends universe is the Chick. On an impulse Joey decides to go to the pet store and adopt her. Later in the episode, when Chandler tries to return her because the guys decide they're not up for the responsibilities of pet ownership, he finds out not only that she will likely be put to sleep if he returns her but also that other animals at the pet store face a similar fate when nobody chooses to adopt them. Cue the Duck. Chandler adopts him with the implication being that he was on death's doorstep facing the prospect of being put to sleep had Chandler not intervened. After returning from the pet store, Chandler is watching Baywatch when Joey returns home and discovers that Chandler not only failed to return the Chick but also adopted the Duck. In explaining to Joey what fate lay before the Chick had they followed through with returning her, Chandler also reveals that they've named her Yasmine after Yasmine Bleeth, who just so happens to be one of the stars of the aforementioned Baywatch (Joey and Chandler's favorite TV show). Funnily, the name of the Duck is not revealed in this episode but we do learn that he is a bad duck when Chandler puts him in timeout in the hallway later in the episode, telling him to think about what he did. Even though the Duck remains nameless, we do learn that he likes to take baths in the bathtub during the closing scene of the episode. We also learn during the closing scene that the Chick can't swim.And there you have it, class. You now know the inspiration for the hashtag #TheChickAndTheDuck. I'm guessing you've noticed that we've been using it to brand the blog series since it's inception. So in case you've been wondering about it, congratulations...the mystery is now solved. While somewhat minor characters in the series, they're unquestionably among the more memorable. More importantly, the fact that Joey and Chandler keep them as pets really gets at the heart of the show's comedic spirit. It really speaks to the goofiness of their friendship. TEASER ALERT: We will be discussing an encounter in a later episode between Joey and Mr. Treeger (the building superintendent) that will add another layer of comedy gold to the saying, "The Chick and the Duck." Having already delivered some enlightenment to one of the major themes of Friends 20/20, I feel very comfortable wrapping up a little bit early for the day. After all, I know many of you were up very late last night finishing your homework assignment because you procrastinated for almost two weeks. But hey, everyone turned in something so at least there won't be any automatic zeros. Even rotten little Johnny turned his in, although at first glance I don't think the vulgar drawing he did of me is likely to help his chances of finally advancing past this grade. They say third time's a charm. Maybe not in Johnny's case (heh heh). Anyway, good luck to everyone else. I know for many of you, this paper could make the difference between passing and failing (given that it's worth 20 percent of the final grade). May the odds be forever in your favor. See you next week to hand out the results.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica quits her job at the Moondance Diner to work as head chef in Pete's restaurant, Phoebe gets her idea accepted by the diner to have the employees wear roller skates, Rachel asks Ross to help her get ready for a work event after getting injured by Monica on said roller skates, Ross misses a chance to be on the Discovery channel by helping Rachel get ready, Joey buys a buys a pet chick after seeing a news story about them, Chandler buys a pet duck to keep the pet chick company, and Monica finally feels a romantic spark for Pete in the same week that we first meet the chick and the duck.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler and Phoebe are hanging out at Chandler and Joey's apartment when Joey walks in. After exchanging hellos, Joey says to Chandler, "I got you something! Open it! Open it!" He hands the box to Chandler and the latter responds, "okay" and opens the box. He continues, "It's a chicken." Gleaming, Joey confirms, "It's cute, huh?" Sensing the implication that Joey brought it home as a pet, Phoebe interjects, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?" Chandler responds, "Fowl? No." [The Knockout] He continues, "Women? Nooo."
Featured Image Source: New Episodes
Headline Image Source: WHI
The House of No Imagination
Season 3, Episode 20
Friends S3:E20 - Good day, gals and guys. How's everyone living out there on this beautiful afternoon? Holy moly, I hope the weather is as nice where you are as it is here (in my undisclosed location). Don't you just love Spring? Where is my undisclosed location? Let's just say I'm on the road again and on assignment for a super secret surprise project. Therefore, (you know what's coming next) it is with my deepest regret I must inform you that I will be mailing in today's submission to Friends 20/20 aka The Greatest Blog Series About the Greatest Show on Earth (Not the Circus...RIP, the Circus). Sorry, I would love to spend the next several hours waxing poetic about Ross's naiveté when it comes to the domestic affairs of our federal government. (Yes. I'm still mad at you for cheating on Rachel, Ross.) Could he have been any more aloof when he proclaimed to Phoebe, "Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen." In response, Phoebe shrewdly pointed out to Ross, "Obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government." (Or being faithful to your girlfriend, for that matter.) Man, I could write 500 words on this interaction alone...but, luckily for the Rossatron, I lack both the time and the extensibility to elaborate. So hey, that being the case, here's an idea. Not wanting to deny you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the thorough, in-depth Friends analyses you're accustomed to just because my day is too hectic to provide it, I've thought up a little experiment we should try. How about if you take the reins this week? That's right. Be the blogger you want to see in the world. Below, I'm providing you with a blank sheet of yellow loose leaf paper. I want you to grab a pen and start thinking about the most witty and incisive things that you can think of to say about today's episode and start jotting those thoughts down on the provided paper. When you're done, put your part of the blog entry together with my part of the blog entry, shake well, and voilà...we will have today's completed blog post! Oh man, this is going to be so much fun. It's like the blogging equivalent of Choose Your Own Adventure.
Hey, if you want to talk about tonight's NCAA National Championship Game between Gonzaga and North Carolina and which team you think is most deserving of the title...it's your call. If you want to talk about Joey's crush on Kate and how frustrating it is that she would rather be with that pretentious tool of a director, Marshall than with Joey...more power to you. Whatever you decide you want to talk about is completely up to you. Everything is fair game (just as long as you don't choose to spend your page writing a Letter to the Editor complaining about how Ken Adams isn't giving you your Friends 20/20 money's worth). So write to your heart's content. Write to make this the greatest post in the history of this historic blog series. I want you to channel your inner-Phoebe and find the creativity in you to write like the lives of a giant dog and a ghost depend on it. Use your imagination. In fact, write like you're using your words to build your very own personal response to the House of No Imagination. And for those of you who were wondering, yes. This will be graded and it will count for twenty percent of your final grade. Good luck and godspeed. Your time begins now...
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica finds out she's inherited a dollhouse when she learns about the death of Ross and her Aunt Silvia, Rachel convinces Chandler to date her boss after Joanna becomes smitten with Chandler during a chance encounter, Joey finally sleeps with his co-star Kate only to discover that the hook up meant more to him than it did to her, Phoebe designs and builds her own dollhouse because Monica didn't like or allow Phoebe's creative additions to Aunt Silvia's dollhouse, and Ross puts out a fire that destroys Phoebe's dollhouse after the Aroma Room proved to be a dangerous part of Phoebe's plan to upstage Monica and The House of No Imagination.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel and Chandler are at Rachel's office after having gone out to lunch together. Chandler is flipping through a lingerie catalog when Rachel's boss Joanna walks into the office. Joanna calls out, "Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice..." before realizing that Rachel has company. Directing her attention to Chandler, Joanna continues, "Hello. You don’t work for me." Rachel jumps in to provide a proper introduction by interjecting, "Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing." Then turning to Chandler, "Joanna." Instantly smitten, Joanna compliments Chandler, "Bing. That’s a great name." [The Knockout] Chandler accepts her praise by sarcastically replying, "Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’"
Featured Image Source: Basic House on Bandcamp
Headline Image Source: English-substitles.club
Relax
Season 3, Episode 19
Friends S3:E19 - Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Nation of Friends: What. Is. Up? Happy Monday! And what a Monday it is. The Affordable Care Act aka Obamacare is still the law of the land, I finally got to watch Rogue One (excellent) over the weekend after having had the misfortune of squandering multiple chances to see it in theaters, and we have not one, not two...but pretty much three schools who've earned their first Final Four birth (Oregon, Gonzaga, and South Carolina) and will get a crack at immortality next weekend alongside perennial contender and last year's tortured runner up, North Carolina. I was ecstatic to see such a bracket-busting weekend (especially since my own bracket went bust in the Round of 32 when Villanova (my pick to repeat as champs) dropped a nail-biter to Wisconsin. Now that everybody's bracket is busted (kind of like the GOP's #Trumpcare bill), we're all free to sit back, RELAX (title plug), and choose our favorite Cinderella story to root for next weekend. Even if you're rooting for North Carolina, (it isn't exactly Cinderella) but it certainly would be a feel-good story to see them secure redemption for last year's heartbreaking, buzzer-beating defeat in the title game. But I digress. Suffice it to say, I'm in a pretty good mood today coming off of a spectacular weekend. In fact, I'm in one of those I don't really want to start the work week, I just want to watch old YouTube videos kind of Monday morning moods. My suspicion is that your are too. Am I right? Or am I right? Or am I right? I mean, I know Mr. James (the Big Boss) gets mad when I mail in this column, but...come on. It's spring so chances are the weather is nice wherever you are, we all had a fabulous weekend, and (to top it all off) the name of today's post is RELAX. Me mailing in a post called "Relax" so I can spend my Monday relaxing is just art imitating life imitating art. (🤯 Whoa, I know I blew your minds in the last post two weeks ago but I might have just accidentally done it to myself.) So, trust me. By mailing in this post, I'm doing Mr. James a favor, I'm doing me a favor, and most importantly...I'm doing you (the reader) a favor. By setting a relaxing tone for the week by half-assing this submission, Mr. James will have more time to edit other content for the blog, I'll have more time to watch old YouTube videos (like the aprapos Frankie Goes to Hollywood video that I'm embedding for your enjoyment below), and you will have more free time to do with what you please. Perhaps it will free you up go to a movie this week? As Gunther's lover… Or maybe you could use the extra time to just go get something to eat. As Gunther's lover… Hey, whatever you choose to do (as Gunther's lover) is cool with me as long as you remember, "Kenny says relax." Enjoy the week and stay thirsty, my friends. Also, keep an eye out for the rhythm. Be sure not to let it get you. Chickity-check you next week.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross goes mental when Rachel gives him s box of his stuff back, Monica dates Pete (her millionaire customer) even though she's not physically attracted to him, Joey develops a love-hate relationship with Kate (his co-star in the play he landed), Rachel begrudgingly agrees to go on a date with Mark, Chandler talks Ross down off a ledge after Ross unfortunately finds out about Rachel dating Mark, Phoebe lobbies on behalf of creating a new superhero named Gold Man, and Ross (in the end) takes his t-shirt's advice by returning it to Rachel and in so doing...finding it within himself to relax.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Chandler are at Monica and Rachel's apartment discussing Monica's date with Pete. All of a sudden, Joey bursts into the apartment dancing around and singing, "Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie!" Just as quickly as he burst in and without saying another word other than his song and dance, Joey dashes back out of the apartment. Everyone looks at each other bewildered before Ross speculates, "I guess he musta gotten the part in that play." Monica and Phoebe nod and say "oh" to indicate that Ross has provided a reasonable explanation for Joey's erratic behavior. [The Knockout] Unconvinced that there isn't a funnier explanation for Joey's song and dance, Chandler counters, "Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right. Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you."
Video Source: tearingawaytheevil on YouTube
Featured Image Source: The Guardian
Headline Image Source: weheartit.com on Pintrest
It's a Real Mustard-tastrophe
Season 3, Episode 18
Friends S3:E18 - What's good, Friendsters? Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. My weekend? It was up and down, thanks for asking. What caused the up and down? Wow, you all are inquisitive today. Well, since you ask, I'll bite. So, first the down. I woke up Saturday morning in debilitating pain from a pinched nerve in my lower back. It was awful. Shortly after waking up, I realized that I couldn't move at all. The slightest occurrences of movement were excruciating, causing acute stabs of pain to pierce my lower back. It quickly became clear that I was in need of assistance from my wife to attempt the walk from the bedroom to the bathroom to take a shower and try to get some heat on it. Luckily the hot water helped, my back gradually started to loosen up. By the time t got out of the shower, I could walk on my own but (at the same time) it was also quite clear that a full recovery was going to take days not hours. Now, the up. Because I was essentially out of commission all day Saturday and Sunday recovering from this, I spent the weekend binge-watching Love and Broad City and it was everything I thought it could be. As it turns out, the pain (while horrendous) was worth it for the following reason: it made my binge-watching guilt-free. You see, I've been known to binge-watch a show or two for an entire weekend before but the enjoyment I get from it is usually accompanied by a tremendous amount of guilt associated with thinking about all of the more productive things I should be doing rather than vegging out in front of the television. As I would come to find out this weekend, that guilt magically disappears when you're binge-watching a show while recovering from injury. Binging while you're sidelined recovering from something like a pinched nerve is tremendous because you get to enjoy the binging sans the guilt. Because of the injury, there was no question that I was unable to do most of the more productive things that I could have been doing all weekend (like exercising or organizing my study closet or laundry, to name a few) and therefore, I was able to enjoy the binge-fest guilt-free. Considering that the debilitating pain was temporary and has nearly subsided (other than some residual soreness) as of writing this on Monday afternoon, I consider the temporary discomfort a more than fair trade off for a weekend of guilt-free binge-watching. So there. "If you don't know, now you know..." how my weekend was up and down.
Speaking of Love, I discovered a tremendous Friends reference in Friends Night Out (the second episode of Season Two) while I was show binging over the weekend. In fact, this particular Friends reference is noteworthy not only for the purpose of cataloging as many contemporary pop culture Friends references in this blog series as possible but also because this particular reference hits very close to home with one of our overarching purposes. Believe it or not, Gus (one of the main characters on Love) more or less points out a Gandalf Gaffe while talking about Friends with his buddies at a bar during this episode of Love. While holding court in front of his inebriated pals and some onlookers from another table, Gus points out that Bruce Willis made a cameo for three episodes during Season 6 of Friends. (Since Friends 20/20 isn't going to be covering Season 6 of Friends until 2019 and 2020, I guess those of you who are watching the show for the first time while following along to the blog series are just going to have to take my word for it. My apologies for the spoiler.) Gus then keenly reminds his audience that in an earlier episode (The One With the Invitation, S4:E21, to be exact) Friends had already established that the movie Die Hard exists (Joey and Chandler propose renting it instead of climbing Mount Rushmore). Gus goes on to to reason that if Die Hard exists in the Friends-verse (or Friends universe), then by extension the actor Bruce Willis exists which would make it impossible for Bruce Willis to also exist in the Friends-verse as a character named Paul. This is what pop culture blogger nerds like me call a celebrity paradox. Continuity issues such as a celebrity paradox (aka Gandalf Gaffes) are the whole reason we started the Friends 20/20 blog series in the first place. Identifying and cataloging every continuity issue throughout the Friends series was and remains the primary objective of the project. I must admit it was surreal watching a fictional character on another television series point out a Gandalf Gaffe. It was quite validating. (Tearing up.) It made me feel like we're making a real impact here, week to week. Could it be possible that Judd Apatow (or another Love show runner) is reading Friends 20/20? I won't hold my breath, but hey...if you are reading this Judd, holler at your boy.
As satisfying as it was to watch Gus expose the Friends Bruce Willis celebrity paradox Gandalf Gaffe within Love's fictional universe, there's actually another layer to peel from this onion (if you can believe it). Before we proceed, a little housekeeping. For any of you out there who are starting to wonder when we're going to get to today's episode of Friends, keep in mind that you're the ones who wanted me to explain how my weekend was up and down. Never forget that it was you who started us down this rabbit hole, not me. That being said, I don't think you'll be disappointed that I chose to spend our time together pursuing this aside. I think you'll be quite pleased when you figure out where we're heading with this Love tangent. So, with the formalities now out of the way, are you ready to have your minds blown? Exactly the answer I was hoping for. Okay, here we go. Gus, a fictional character on Love, believed that it caused a continuity issue for Bruce Willis to play a fictional character on Friends after one of his real movies, Die Hard, had previously been introduced as existing in the Friends-verse, right? Well, in the very same episode that Gus references the FriendsGandalf Gaffe (Love S2:E2), Mickey and Gus have a conversation about Osama Bin Laden in which they also talk about Home Alone. In and of itself this is insignificant. However, in Marty Dobbs (Love S2:E8), Daniel Stern plays Mickey's father. Last time I checked, Daniel Stern played something of significant role in Home Alone. So if Home Alone exists as a real movie in the Love-verse and Daniel Stern was an actor in said movie, how can Daniel Stern also be Mickey's dad? 🤷♂️ Tick, tick, boom. Can you believe it? Did Love actually have the audacity to cast in such a reckless fashion as to violate the very same continuity rule that it criticizes Friends for violating? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was intentional and some sort of twisted homage to the GOAT sitcom. Either way, it's a real mustard-tastrophe. (You know I had to bring it back around.) Whether the continuity error was accidental or intentional is unclear and, as far as I know, the question has yet to be presented to the show runners. In fact, considering that Love: Season Two was just made available for streaming within the last 72 hours, it is also unclear whether the show runners are even aware of the irony here. I haven't done a deep dive or anything yet but as far as I can tell, Ted James (our editor-in-chief) was the first person to point out Love's Daniel Stern dilemma on Twitter. If, indeed, it holds true that theLeftAhead was first on the scene in uncovering an all-time television continuity irony / hypocrisy, we will proudly wear it as a badge of honor. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. So, yeah. You're welcome. Your minds are all officially blown, right? I told you this Love tangent would be worth it. For the record, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross also did stuff this week (one of them might have even dated a millionaire). Late.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Frank tells Phoebe he's engaged to Alice (his 44 year old high school Home Economics teacher), Rachel convinces Monica to go on a date with Pete (a millionaire who frequents the Moondance diner), Chandler uses an effeminate hypnosis tape to help him quit smoking, Ross and Joey try to convince Frank not to settle down before realizing that he's the lucky one and they want what he's got, and Phoebe eventually gets on board with Frank and Alice's engagement even though she's worried that it's a real mustard-tastrophe.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is at Central Perk and Chandler is lighting a cigarette. Rachel pulls it away from him. When he attempts to light another one, she pulls that one away from him too. Chandler stops and glares at her before observing, "Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever." Rachel responds, "Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit." She proceeds to hand him a cassette tape which he promptly presses against his arm sarcastically as if it were a nicotine patch. He informs her, "Nope, that patch is no good." Undeterred, Rachel continues, "Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since." Across the table, Ross butts in by making a "pffhah" sound. Turning to address Ross, Rachel asks, "What’s your problem?" Ross answers, "Nothing, it’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap." Rachel counters, "Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City." Ross protests, "Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay." Fed up, Rachel continues, "Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play "Wipe-out" on your butt cheeks." Interrupting Ross and Rachel's argument, Phoebe chimes in, "All right, ya know, forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men. [The Knockout] Loathing in agreement, Chandler adds, "Or what my Father called Thursday night."
Featured Image Source: Monday Morning Matinee
Headline Image Source: Evelyn Porter on Fine Art America
Beam Me Up, Jesus
Season 3, Episode 17
Friends S3:E17 - Howdy, Mercedes-Friends! How's everyone doing this lovely Monday afternoon? I'm feeling nice and rested after our one-week hiatus. It was greatly needed too considering the brutal two-week Ross and Rachel break up sequence we were forced to endure prior to the break. In fact, I'm feeling so rested that (surprise, surprise) I have every intention to completely mail in this week's installment. Before you complain, let me remind you of where we left off. In case you forgot, or have been living under a rock, or were (as of two weeks ago) part of the tiny fraction of humanity that doesn't read Friends 20/20, we left off with me diving deep into my soul to find the inner fortitude to lay into our former pal Ross with all of the detestation he deserved for his disgustingly selfish decision to cheat on the girl of his dreams aka Rachel Green. Yeah, you 'member. I know that was as emotionally draining for you as it was for me so don't tell me (regardless of the break in between now and then) you still can't use a light hearted, romantic musical of a post to read right about now. The Academy gets it. That's why they awarded La La Land the Oscar for Best Picture while we were away. Oh....so close. Sike. The Oscar for Best Picture at the 89th annual Academy Awards actually does not go to La La Land at all. No soup for you. Hand that trophy back, bro. Congratulations, Moonlight. Also, congratulations Steve Harvey. We're taking back your Oscar for most embarrassing award announcement mix up and now giving it to ourselves, the Academy. Wow, just wow. Talk about a beam me up, Jesus moment. I will say, it is a really good thing that Warren Beatty came back to the mic live on air to explain what happened. By explaining that the Academy had given them an Emma Stone, Best Actress envelope, there's no question that he saved Faye Dunaway from becoming the fall person and consequently saved her from 24 hours of being the biggest source of joke memes in the history of the internet. That was quick thinking and a classy save. Way to go, Dick Tracey. So there you go, Friends Crafters. That's what we bloggers in the business call the rope-a-dope. I teased that this would be a light hearted, mail in post and then segued into a light hearted, mail in rant about the Oscars and before you even knew what hit you, I'm wrapping up a light hearted, mail in post. Awe, don't be mad. I wasn't trying to trick you (okay, maybe a little). Buck up, kiddos. Just remember... when they let you down, you'll get up off the ground, 'cause morning rolls around and it's another day of sun.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross and Rachel can't be in the same room as each other, Chandler starts smoking again because the break up reminds him of his parents' divorce, Phoebe drives her grandmother's cab to take the gang skiing, Monica stocks up on one penny tampons while stranded at a rest station, Joey believes looking at the ground from the sky is the same as looking in a mirror, and Ross saves the day by bringing gas to help his stranded friends so they don't have to follow the bumper sticker in Phoebe's cab and request, "beam me up, Jesus."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey and Chandler are returning to the rest area where the gang is stranded after going out to look for help. Chandler seems to be struggling so Joey is helping him walk back. Phoebe is the first to notice them approaching and informs Monica and Rachel, "Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back." Hoping for good news, Monica asks, "So the going for help went well?" Joey responds, "Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed." Chandler interjects, "I have the lung capacity of a two year old." He then immediately starts to light a cigarette. Monica lays claim to the obvious follow up question, "Then why are you smoking?" [The Knockout] Chandler sheepishly dismisses her inquiry by cleverly admitting, "Well it’s very unsettling."
Featured Image Source: Bold Cup of Coffee
Headline Image Source: Melt Monsters and Other Tight Shit...
We Were on a Break
Season 3, Episode 16
Friends S3:E16 - Okay, here we go. Yes, boys and girls, the second part of our torturous journey through Friends emotional hell is somehow already upon us. Has it really already been a week? Time flies, I guess, when you're dreading having to write a gut wrenching blog post. Since we have no choice but to dive right back into the belly of the beast, I will spare you any lollygagging around with these opening comments. Let's go ahead and forget about the exchanging of pleasantries this week. My objective is to clock in, get the job done as efficiently as possible, and then clock out. I think we can all agree that getting to the other side of Ross and Rachel's break up is the only thing that is important at the moment. We can save the pomp and circumstance for another time. Are there any objections to this course of action? Hearing none, let’s keep it moving. When last we left our buddies, Ross was on the brink. He was making out with Chloe at the club. Thinking back to the when this sequence first aired 20 years ago, I remember hoping against hope during the intervening week that we would return to find Ross had come to his senses, pushed Chloe away after just the one kiss, and then run home to patch things up with Rachel. (Can you imagine how different the remaining years of the series would have been if he had just done that?) But, of course, we all know that in fact Ross doesn't come to his senses. Unfortunately, we return to find Ross waking up at home with Chloe hopping out of the shower in his bathroom. SPLAT (the emotional equivalent of getting hit by a Mack Truck). Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. You too? Okay, well, considering the pain we're all experiencing as we relive the death of Ross and Rachel's relationship, I think the most appropriate thing we can do is simply dive right back into a conversation which I promised we would return to today: the undressing I was frustratingly delivering to Ross last week. While, much like Monica and Phoebe ripping off Waxine strips, revisiting this conversation is surely going to be painful but the one silver lining is that we're off next week and, therefore, we'll all get an extended amount of time to recover from this emotional tornado. So, knowing that we've been generously gifted a fortnight to heal, let's rip the Waxine strips right off, shall we? Godspeed, Friendsters. Brace for impact in three, two, one...
Okay, Ross...let's resume. I told you I wasn't finished with you. Whelp, you did it, didn't you, you disgusting, weak pathetic excuse for a Geller. If anyone in the history of Chicken Pox ever deserved to get a weenie pock, you better believe that it's you, Ross. I can't believe you slept with Chloe, bro. How could you do this to Rachel? I know, I know. You're going to say, "I only did it because I thought at the same exact moment she was sleeping with Mark." Grow up, man. I know that experiencing Carol cheat on you was a traumatic, paranoia-inducing ordeal but take a moment and try to regain your grip on reality. Rachel is the type of girlfriend that goes out of her way to dress up as Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini because it is important to her to help you enjoy your sexual fantasies. Does that sound like the type of gesture that's made by a girlfriend who's going to cheat on you first chance she gets? Of course not. There is not even a remote possibility. (Sorry to channel Smokey from Friday but...) "And you know this...man!" You know Rachel is considerate, and kind, and decent-hearted. Deep down, you knew she would never do that to you. But you, my friend, did do it to her...didn't you, you helmet-headed "there's no way you could have really earned your Ph.D by age 26" sorry excuse for a paleontologist. You're so freaking pathetic. And then, what is the first thing you do after you realize you've made such a God awful mistake? You take Chandler and Joey's advice and try to cover it up? Haven't you learned by now that Channie and the J-Man are about the last people you want to take relationship advice from? But, sure enough, there you were running all over New York trying to convince casual acquaintances (and Gunther) to keep a secret from the one person you're supposed to be the most honest with. Issac was right when he said, "We're the same, you and me." You insist that you aren't the same but deep down you know the cold, hard truth, don't you Ross? "Search your feelings, you know it to be true." You and Isaac are the same, you feeble-minded, self-serving scrud. You and Issac are two peas in a pod. The fact that you would even attempt to go to such lengths to cover up the affair confirms that you're about as dirty a dog as they come, Ross Geller. Don't you know anything about history, scholar? The cover up never works and always makes the crime worse. Wow, you must really lack respect for Rachel to be willing to degrade her with such a Nixonian stunt. And to top things off, after your cover up attempt (of course) fails and Rachel finds out from Gunther, you have the audacity to think that you can just plead your way out of it? You're like a Trump apologists nonchalantly downplaying his Russia scandal. I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW SERIOUS THIS IS. Rachel is right, too. If the shoe had been on the other foot and it had been her who had slept with Mark, you (in all your petty glory) would have been shouting from the rooftops how unforgivable it is. Don't try to deny it, Ross. Stop insulting our intelligence, you Republican-level hypocrite. If Rachel had cheated on you with Mark, you would have made yourself out to be the biggest victim of highway robbery since the Atlanta Falcons had the Super Bowl stolen from them by the New England Patriots. (Too soon?) That's right, Ross. If the situation had been reveresed, you would have deemed Rachel's transgression unforgivable. Yet, because it's you who's the cheater and she the victim, you find it reasonable that you should be able to talk your way out of it in one conversation? Unbelievable. God, Ross, I just can't understand this. You cheated on Rachel? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY BLODDY SENSE. That's it. I'm done. (Throwing up my hands.) I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just sad. You were supposed to be one of the good guys but you've showed us your true colors, homie. Sadly, you're not one of the good guys. Not even close. Unfortunately, the sad reality is that you're one of the worst, Ross Geller. Enjoy the avalanche of failed marriages and divorces you've got coming your way, bro. You better hope that Rachel has the capacity to be the bigger person and forgive you someday even though you don't deserve it. Redemption through her grace. That's your best hope. As disgusted as I am by you, if and when Rachel does find the grace to forgive you, I'll try to as well. Until then, you've got to go. Don't give me that look. You're not getting any sympathy from me today. Not even one drop. Ken Adams doesn't roll with your type of indecency. See you later, traitor. By the way, one last thing. And I think I speak for the entire Friends 20/20 community when I say...(sound of me shutting the door in Ross' face).
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross sleeps with Chloe and then tries to cover it up so Rachel doesn't find out after Chandler and Joey convince him not to tell her, Monica and Phoebe get super excited to become Waxine girls, and Rachel ends her relationship with Ross after The Rossatron is unable to track "the trail" all the way down before Gunther tells Rachel about what Ross did while (as she so heartbreakingly puts it) "we were on a break."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are holed up in Monica's bedroom because Ross and Rachel are out in the living room breaking up. While the guys originally came in Monica's room because Monica and Phoebe were screaming in pain from using Waxine, the group nevertheless has been listening in on Ross and Rachel ever since they first stormed into the apartment. Eventually, Joey and Chandler get anxious to get back to their own apartment. Joey informs the girls, "You know what, I don’t think we should listen to this anymore." As Joey goes to open the door, Monica protests, "What, what are you doing? You can’t go out there." Joey complains, "Why not? I’m hungry." Giving the obvious answer, Monica responds, "Because they’ll know we’ve been listening." The cameras cut to the living room where Rachel is excoriating Ross, "God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!" Ross pleads in response, "Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you. I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen!" Rachel sarcastically counters with, "Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again." The cameras then cut back to Monica's bedroom where Chandler is backing up Joey by suggesting, "You know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about." Agreeing Joey adds, "Yeah, we’ll be fine." The cameras quickly cut back to the living room where Ross is revealing, "Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to." [The Knockout] The cameras cut back to Monica's bedroom where Chandler is handing Monica the can of wax and instructing, "Wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever."
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Let's Take a Break
Season 3, Episode 15
Friends S3:E15 - This really sucks. I won't lie, I've been dreading the moment that is now upon us since the beginning of the year. I mean, situational comedy is meant to be a lighthearted escape from the grind of daily life. It is not supposed to be this heavy, this heartbreaking. Or maybe the fact that it is, in this case, is part of the genius of Friends? I'm hard pressed to think of another sitcom where I have ever been this emotionally invested in the love lives of the main characters. Don't get me wrong, I love Seinfeld too but I couldn't be less emotionally invested in who Jerry is dating or breaking up with in any given episode. I never had a visceral reaction to Sam and Dianne's roller coaster relationship on Cheers or the weekly hijinks governing Lucy and Ricky's marriage on I Love Lucy. The only example I can give of a comedy that invoked a similar emotional reaction was my investment in Jim and Pam's relationship on The Office. I consider comparing Friends and The Office, however, as the television equivalent of comparing apples and oranges. The Office, as a single-camera mockumentary is not, in my opinion, a situational comedy in the traditional mold. With multi-camera sitcoms such as Friends, lighthearted escapism is baked into the technical design and, by extension, the way these shows are filmed. A single-camera mockumentary such as The Office, on the other hand, naturally captures a greater sense of realism and therefore has a distinct filmmaking advantage in generating a visceral response. So while my emotional investment in The Office is the closest example I can provide of another sitcom replicating my emotional investment in Friends, I don't consider the two comparable. Therefore, working under the premise that single-camera mockumentary style sitcoms such as The Office belong in a separate category, perhaps my unrivaled emotional investment in the love lives of Phoebe, Joey, Monica, Chandler and particularly Ross & Rachel contributes to why, in my opinion, Friends is the GOAT sitcom. While it's all well and good to be mindful that the pain Friends is capable of inflicting is an ingredient in the show's greatness, it certainly doesn't make me feel any better about the here and now. Regardless of the fact my emotional investment in the show is unrivaled, watching these episode still really sucks. In fact, sometimes when my wife and I are in the Friends binge-watching vortex we skip ahead over this episode and the next one to "The One Without the Ski Trip" just to avoid reliving the pain and heartbreak. So, if watching these episodes sucks so bad that skipping over them is regular occurrence, imagine how bad writing about these episodes is going to be. This, my friendsters, is why I've been dreading this moment since the beginning of the year. And Phase One of this two week torture experiment is occurring on the day before Valentine's Day? What kind of sick irony is that? Nevertheless, I must suck it up and power through. After all, I suppose it's challenges like the one in front of me that help justify the lucrative salary that theLeftAhead pays me to work a measly four hours a week. So, without further delay, I believe it wise that we trudge bravely ahead into the emotional abyss that awaits.
First of all...goddamnit, Ross. Really? Chloe, the Xerox girl? Five seconds after you and Rachel just broke up? Excuse me, let me correct the record. Five seconds after you and Rachel decided to take a break? W.T.F. The fact that you, in a moment of vulnerability, made a choice that put your dream come true, magical, fairy tale relationship with Rachel in jeopardy is, of course, heartbreaking. But can we begin by pointing out how infuriatingly out of character it was for you to have done something so reckless and irresponsible to a woman you adored and have proven repeatedly you would break your back trying to make happy? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY BLOODY SENSE. Why, Ross, why? What were you thinking? And by the way, I'm sure it sucks to have your significant other prioritize work ahead of the relationship on your anniversary but come on, man. You came to her office uninvited with a picnic basket, refused to listen to her tell you she couldn't take a break, proceeded to ignore her by setting up the picnic anyway, started a fire on her desk, and then you're the one who's butt hurt when she doesn't apologize to you when she gets home? Sorry, bro. That one was on you. This fight was your fault, homie. Not only was the fight your fault, but a complete departure from the Ross that Rachel first fell in love with. That guy would have done anything to support her. Not you. You saw her struggle with her self esteem for two and a half years because she was embarrassed that she was "just a waitress." Then, she gets the chance of a lifetime to start a career doing something she is proud of and that makes her happy and you can't just be patient with her for a few months while she is learning how to do the job? Again, completely out of character for a guy who once rushed to put on his dad's old tux in order to make sure that the girl he adores wouldn't have to go to the prom alone. To channel my inner-Chandler...could your behavior during this episode be more out of character? So yeah...I don't know what happened to you, bro. Sorry to be repetitive, but you are not the Ross that Rachel fell in love with. Okay. Taking into consideration the way your marriage to Carol ended, I get the whole Mark-jeaolosy thing. I grant you that shortcoming. It's understandable that you were a little paranoid that someone else was going to steal the woman you love away again. But this fight? This fight had nothing to do with that (until after the "break"). Nope, this fight began with you operating under the assumption that the Mark-jealosy problem was solved when Mark left Bloomingdales for a better job. So let's bottom line this thing, shall we, Ross? This fight occurred because you, the guy who once made a mental note to remember to buy Rachel a pin from an antique store (that reminded her of one that her grandmother had had when she was a little girl) and then give it to her on her birthday before she even knew that he had a crush on her, decided that it was more important to put your own needs on your anniversary ahead of hers. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY BLOODY SENSE. And how do you solve a fight that you started and was your fault? Goddammit, Ross. Really? Chloe, the Xerox girl? And that kiss? That awful, painful, horrible, relationship destroying kiss. Hell, that kiss was so gut-wrenchingly horrifying that it's practically destroyed U2's With or Without You for me as well. Oh, I know. You tried to call Rachel and work things out but you heard Mark's voice in the background. Boo hoo. Woe is me, let me stick my tongue down another woman's throat five seconds after Rachel and I break up because she's clearly back at her place having sex with Mark. W.T.F. Really? Do you really not have any trust that Rachel wouldn't do that to you? I'm disgusted by you, Ross. I don't think I can even speak to you anymore tonight. My hope is that after we call it for the night (to take a break, so to speak), you will go home and take some time to think about how that selfish, spiteful, reckless kiss has put you on the precipice of destroying the best thing that ever happened to you. But you're not going to do that, are you Ross? You're going to continue your self-righteous pity party all the way through the night. You're going to go home and have sex with Chloe, aren't you, you son of a bitch? Damn, Ross. You're pathetic. Rachel deserves so much better. Go have your revenge sex, loser. Hope it's worth it. By the way, I'm not finished with you yet. I'm just too disgusted to continue this right now. We'll pick this back up next week. Peace, bro.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross and Rachel have a huge fight after Ross shows up univited at Rachel's office with a picnic and starts a fire on their anniversary, Phoebe dates a foreign diplomat who doesn't speak any English, Monica gets a rapport going with Phoebe's diplomat's translator, Joey and Chandler scheme to have a threesome with Chloe (the "hot girl with the belly button ring" from the Xerox place), and Ross ends up being the one to hook up with Chloe after he and Rachel agree that the best resolution to their fight is to take a break.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler and Joey are at Central Perk killing time before the party that Chloe invited them to meet her at. They are both preoccupied by the fact that Chloe had floated the idea of a threesome while inviting them to hang out and decide to cautiously broach the subject in order to figure out what they would do. Joey offers, "God, that would be weird if that situation presented itself tonight, huh?" Chandler responds, "Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?" Perplexed, Joey admits, "Dude, I don’t know." Hoping to avoid further awkwardness, Chandler offers the reassurance that "She was kidding." Joey agrees, "Yeah." Unable to convince himself, Chandler continues, "She was. But ya know what? Just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules." Playing along, Joey says, "Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Ya know, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing." At first, Chandler sees the sense in Joey's logic and agrees, "Yeah. Good call, nice one." Almost immediately, however, a lightbulb goes off in his head and he continues, "Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there..." Seeing the way Chandler is motioning with his hand, Joey quickly changes his mind, "Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times!" He then continues by asking, "Oh, hey, how do we decide where we...ya know...each would...ya know...be?" Following along, Chandler replies, "Right. Right. Well ah...ya know...we could flip for it." Playing along, Joey responds, "Yeah, I guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails? [The Knockout] Looking visibly horrified, Chandler fires back, "Well it you don’t know that, then I don’t want to do this with you."
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