Identical Hand Twins
Season 5, Episode 23 & 24
Friends S5:E23 & Friends S5:E24 - This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand! Hey there, preFrienders. I'm so pleased that you've all chosen to gather here today to be a part of a post that's five years in the making. (Well, four years, nine months, and four days, to be exact.) On September 22nd, 2014, we started this journey together on a whim. It was impossible, at the time, to grasp the full scope of the commitment we were signing up for. It just seemed like a fun dare, a neat way for our ragtag, jack-of-all-trades little blog to plant a flag in the pop culture arena. I'm mean, at the time we were thinking, how hard could it be to write a Friends blog post on the 20th anniversary of every episode, right? It will be a piece of cake. Of course, it only took a few weeks working on the project for us to realize how enormously foolish we had been. Our flippantness had landed us square at the beginning of the longest blog-writing marathon we could've possibly imagined for ourselves and our arrogance was ensuring that there was no escape. Had we been granted the wisdom of foresight, we would've let this Friends 20/20 idea pass through the ethos of theLeftAhead and evaporate back into the larger creative consciousness like dozens of other equally-worthy ideas for improving the site had before and since. But unfortunately, on that late-September Monday afternoon, there was no foresight to be granted. Instead, we hastily conceived the rules and parameters for this blog series, furiously cranked out the inaugural post, and blindly set out into the wilderness. Now, here we are, convening at such a historic landmark. I've got to say, it's a little overwhelming. There were so many times we wanted to wave the white flag, abort the mission, and call in a rescue team to help pull us back out. Ever-present in the back of our minds, though, during those moments of doubt was that tricky, tricky arrogance reminding us that we would never abandon the mission; never let the legacy of this Friends 20/20 project be: incomplete. So we trudged ahead, week after week, year after year, season after season dependably delivering that witty, insightful commentary that loyal readers of theLeftAhead have come to expect. Also along the way during our arduous trek, we'd often fantasize about what it might feel like, look like, taste like, even smell like to get to where we are today. What's that smell, you ask? Well, companion travelers, that smell is The Halfway Point. And I've gotta say, it smells good.
Could this moment be any sweeter? Actually it could and it is because added bonus: not only are we at the Halfway Point of our little blog series that could journey but today we just so happen to also be covering one of the funniest episodes of the entire series! You better believe it! Today is the Vegas Episode, baby! This episode has it all. There's Chandler and Monica drama, Ross and Rachel drama, Phoebe in a fierce lurking duel with frail, old lady, and of course...Joey's Identical Hand Twin!! So what do you say we second chorus this banger and transition immediately into the breakdown? We'll begin today's analysis with Monica and Chandler happily exchanging pleasantries on their flight to Vegas to start their romantic anniversary celebration when BAM...Phoebe. While, yes, technically Monica only has herself to blame for not telling Chandler about her lunch with Richard but come on Phoebe! Our quirky massage therapist sure does have a knack for divulging her friend's secrets to her other friends, doesn't she? You would think Monica would've been more upset with Phoebe for letting the cat out of the bag but maybe she wasn't because this is just par for the course with Phoebe, at this point. Phoebe's damage done, the ensuing insecurity about Richard that Chandler demonstrates fuels a tasty treat of comedy (not only in this episode, but for years to come) and the couples quarrel quickly threatens to ruin Mondler's romantic getaway. After spending most of their first evening in Vegas apart, Monica and Chandler eventually make up on the Caesar's Palace casino floor and then, in celebration of Monica rolling hot dice, decide to raise the stakes on their relationship. Hold that thought.Meanwhile, Rachel and Ross (still in New York) have a hilarious encounter where Ross (looking over from his building across the street) spots Rachel being naked in her living room and determines that this must be her way of seducing him. He goes over and throw himself at Rachel only to be rejected and informed that Rachel's nudity was not for his benefit. This sets into motion a series of dueling practical jokes designed to embarrass one another that ends with Rachel arriving in Las Vegas with writing on her face that won't come off. Too embarrassed to be seen in public during her predicament, Rachel forces Ross to hang out with her in her hotel room which results in the two of them getting hammered. So hammered, in fact, that Rachel eventually agrees to leave the room under the condition that she gets to draw on Ross's face as well. Both equally hammered and both sporting hilarious inked up faces, Ross and Rachel shake the foundations of the Friends universe when it's revealed as the Season Five cliffhanger that, in a drunken-flurry, THEY GOT FREAKIN MARRIED!! Oh yeah, remember that thought we held in the previous paragraph? It turns out that Monica and Chandler were there to witness Ross and Rachel tying the knot because that stakes-raising decision that Monica and Chandler about their relationship was to FREAKING GET MARRIED THEMSELVES!! Turns out that not only is this The Halfway point in our project but the episodes leaves us dangling over a cliff, hanging by our fingers about not one but both of the most consequential relationships on the show. Quite a tasty treat of an episode, don't you think? If all of that isn't enough, though, there's Phoebe trying to best that old lady at the time-honored tradition of lurking and the cherry on top of the entire dessert is Joey's Identical Hand Twin!! I can't think of a better place to pitch a tent for the summer than right under the ample shade of the Identical Hand Twin song. I'm just going to leave this right here (meaning, right below) to keep you cool, safe, and protected as we rest up these next few months for the second half of our impossible mission. Enjoy the break. We've certainly earned it. It's so great to be here together at the Halfway Point. It's been a long five years but we've made it because I've been there for you and you've been there for me too. Like Regina Follange leaving Conference Room B to converse with a couple of Identical Hand Twins before being noticed by a security guard that's already banned Phoebe Buffay, I'm out!
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey comes up with a money making scheme while working as a gladiator at Caesars Palace, Monica gives Chandler a trip to Las Vegas to visit Joey as an anniversary present, Phoebe decides she will also go on the trip to Las Vegas and then invites Ross and Rachel too, Chandler asks Monica to marry him, Ross and Rachel play pranks on each other, get really drunk, and then tie the knot in Vegas, and Joey gets thrown out of the casino for conspiring with Phoebe to harass a guy who he believes should embrace their shared future together as identical hand twins.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica and Phoebe are at Rachel's apartment when Chandler enters and says, "Hey." Monica walks up to greet him beaming and declares, "It's almost our anniversary!" Joining in her enthusiasm, Chandler responds, "I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler." Unable to resist interjecting herself into the couples little moment, Phoebe announces, "Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler." Unprepared for Phoebe's quick wit, Chandler reacts with a caught off guard, "Huh?" Refocusing her boyfriend on their special moment, Monica tells Chandler, " I got you a present!" Not wanting to spoil the occasion, he protests, "Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!" Handing him a box, Monica insists, " I know, but you have to open it today." Chandler accepts with an "okay" and then starts meticulously attempting to unwrap the gift. Monica grows increasingly impatient until she can't control it anymore. She grabs the box back, rips it open and says, "Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!" Surprised and excited, Chandler exclaims, "Wow!" Equally excited, Monica explains, "For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary." Absorbing the lameness of Monica's cheesy suggestion for naming their trip, Chandler protests, "Do we have to?" The wind taken out of her sails, Monica sheepishly relents, "No." Returning to the trip itself, Chandler probes, "Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there." Confident about her reading of Joey's intentions, Monica continues selling Chandler, explaining, "Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!" [The Knockout] Annoyed that Monica's insistence on naming the trip has now reached pique-cheesiness, Chandler the Great aka Lord Quippington of The Village deadpans, “Yeah, I think we should see other people.”
Featured Image Source: Recap Guide
Headline GIF Source: Post Script Productions
The King and Eye
Season 5, Episode 22
Friends S5:E22 - Howdy, Friendsters. Welcome, welcome, welcome, to the last stop before the halfway point of this wacky train ride we call Friends 20/20. That's right, travel enthusiasts. The countdown clock to Summer Vacation 2019 has hit the one week mark and we have successful rounded first and are now sliding into second on the base path for this entire damn project! I can't lie. Being as how this is the second-to-last blog post before my annual exodus to an undisclosed tropical beach paradise, I was more than tempted to further push the limits of my New Year's Resolution 2019 by declaring today's post a MAIL-IN SPECIAL. Unfortunately, though, playing that cards was off of the table when I walked into theLeftAhead offices this morning and was called into a meeting with my editor, Ted James. I must say, I was in a great mood commuting in this morning planning to punch in with a MAIL-IN SPECIAL and then immediately punch back out so it really caught me off guard to arrive and find out the boss wanted to do my annual performance review. I won't bore you with the details of the meeting but let's just say that the good news is by some stroke of luck, I'm still not fired. The bad news, on the other hand, was based on the nature of the conversation, it became abundantly clear to me that getting in and out today with a M.I.S. was completely out of the question. Never fear, loyal readers, because knowing Uncle Kenny as you do, you know that I'm not prone to obeying authority and I'm even less prone for taking direction from a superior so I cleverly figured out a way to as little work as I had been planning to do for the MAIL-IN SPECIAL but in way that ties into the content of today's episode enough so that this post escapes the M.I.S. designation on a technicality. Clever, I know. So do you want me to tell you what I'm about to tie in order to not have to write another paragraph or two of direct episode-related content? Well, class, after my performance review, I tricked Mr. James into playing the game where you ask a question and then answer it really fast. And like any good journalist, I recorded the conversation on my phone. Here is the transcript:
Ted James - Fast Answer Question Game
What do you like better - recording music or writing for theLeftAhead?
Recording music
What type of music would you rather listen to - classic hip hop or classic rock?
Classic rock
What would you rather do - write Black & Silver or read Friends 20/20?
Write Black & Silver
What is Kawhi Leonard - a winner or a quitter?
A quitter
What am I closer to having happen - getting promoted or getting fired?
Getting fired
Why did you hire me?
Because it was easier than writing 236 blog posts about Friends myself 🤷♂️
That's it for today, class. SEE YOU AT THE HALF-WAY POINT NEXT WEEK!!! Adams out.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Rachel has to face her fear of things touching her eye when she needs to get treated for an infection, Joey gets the lead role in a movie that's shooting outside of Las Vegas, Chandler accept's Joey's invitation to join him on a road trip to the movie set but then gets kicked off the trip when he tells Joey he doesn't think this movie will be his big break, Phoebe is mad at Ross but can't remember why, Ross figures out that Phoebe is mad at him for telling her she is boring in her dream which in turn makes Ross mad at Phoebe, Monica puts herself in charge of making sure Rachel goes to the eye doctor and subsequently takes her eye drops, and the gang is forced to pin Rachel like the king and eye drops are finally successfully applied to Rachel's infection.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe and Monica are playing cards at Monica and Rachel's apartment when the phone rings. Phoebe excitedly informs Monica, "Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. Or-or Rachel!" Monica picks up the phone and answers, "Hello?" After hearing the voice on the other end of the line, she looks over to Phoebe and tells her, "It's Joey." As Phoebe smiles (clearly pleased with herself), Monica tells Joey, "I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Ya know he's really upset about it." From a pay phone somewhere out on his road trip, Joey says, "Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!" Curious, Monica asks, "What did you do to his sweater vests?" Joey answers, "Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio." He then continues, "Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car." Monica replies, "Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second." She hands the phone to Phoebe who then greets Joey, "Hey dude!" Joey greets her back, "Hey Pheebs!" He then asks, "Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?" Phoebe matter-of-factly answers, "Oh that's my grandma. And thanks Joey she's having a really great time." Chandler then arrives at Monica and Rachel's and notices Phoebe on the phone. He runs over emphatically asking, "Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!" Phoebe informs Joey, "Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering..." Hearing a dial tone on the line, Phoebe looks up at Chandler and says, "Okay, I guess he ran out of change." Frustrated, Chandler vents, "Ya know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?" Monica suggests, "Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry." [The Knockout] Seeming to like the idea, Chandler puts his game face on and says as seriously as he possibly can, "That's a good idea. I wonder where I could get a basket of porn?"
Featured Image Source: The Hollywood Reporter
Headline Image Source: Zehra Atik on Pintrest
Team Monica
Season 5, Episode 21
Friends S5:E21 - Yo, yo, ma Friends. How's everyone doing on this, the first Monday in May? Hopefully no one in the class is fighting off any repercussions from an overly festive Cinco De Mayo yesterday. (Since everyone else is sharp and focused, that probably means I'm speaking to you, Johnny. Take off those shades in my classroom. Never mind, put them back on. You look absolutely wrecked. Haven't you ever heard of the hair of the dog that bit me?) Me? How were my Cinco de Mayo festivities? Thanks for asking. Well, unlike Johnny back there, I celebrated a little bit but not enough to enter the hangover-zone. And even if I were hungover, I know it wouldn't be fazing me right now because, if you remember, last time we convened, we started the official countdown clock to Summer Vacation 2019! And since an entire week has past now since starting that countdown, by my calculations, students, we have only 336 hours (or 14 days) ((or two weeks)) left until this clock's time is up and summer vacation begins! Unlike Joey and Ross's ball tossing game, we have an end to Friends 20/20: Season 5 and that sweet, sweet end is firmly in sight.So let's keep it moving and cut right into the meat of this episode. I love that Joey and Ross decided to make a game out of tossing a ball back forth for as long as they could without dropping. This was a phenomenal idea and I must say quite a solid way to chop it up with your buddies on a day when you're just hanging out and shooting the shit. It seems like the type of thing my mid-twenties buddies and me would've done to kill time. In fact, I'm a little jealous that we never thought of it. Especially given the fact that I have a background in ball tossing games. Don't believe me? Check the resume, son. During childhood trips to visit my aunt and uncle, my uncle would take my brother and me to his neighborhood pool and we would play a ball tossing game where you jumped up to toss the ball, then another player had to jump up to catch the ball and toss it to the next player, and so on. We would play this ball tossing game until someone dropped it and count the number of times we went without dropping. This went on for years. So yeah, I've got so much ball tossing game experience I should've had the foresight to bring those skills to my early-twenties "hanging with my bros" time and experience the type of epic joyous voyage that Joey and Ross embarked on in today's episode. Of course just like any other good "hanging out with your friends" activity, ball tossing games come with the risk that that one friend that nobody wants to let play because they are so annoying they will ruin it inevitably somehow stops by. Because of course they do. In this case, we all know who that friend is. Sure enough, Monica just had to have happened to leave her glove over at Joey and Chandler's and couldn't have just got straight to work. And the nerve to make the suggestion that the team should be named after her in a game that she played absolutely no role in inventing? Although we all know that there's no I in team, it's abundantly clear that there's an I in monIca.
One quick thought before we wrap up today. Is Gary really that stupid? In the handful of episodes that he had the opportunity to date Phoebe, did he really not make any effort at all to get to know her? Even if laying in bed and shooting birds through your window really is your thing, how do you not know to hide that little fetish from Phoebe Buffay aka the Biggest Lover of Innocent Animals in all of New York City? Thanks for playing, Gare Bear. After this, we've got only two episodes left in Season 5. Unfortunately for you, you will not be joining us for them. Gary the Cop: You are the biggest dumb ass. Glad I got that off of my chest. Aight, y'all. Let's keep it moving. On to the recap. One.Two. Three. Team Adams.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey and Ross decide to see how long they can toss a ball back and fourth without dropping it, Monica finds out from Gary (in confidence) that he's going to ask Phoebe to move in with him and immediately tells Phoebe, Phoebe asks Chandler to talk to Gary and use his fear of commitment to talk Gary out of wanting to ask her to move in with him, Chandler tries to talk to Gary but ends up agreeing with him that he and Phoebe are ready to move in together, Rachel buys an evil hairless sphynx cat for $1000 dollars and then unloads it on Gunther for a profit of $500 after the evil cat starts scratching her up, and Monica and Chandler (aka The Dropper) join Joey and Ross's ball tossing game only to have Monica (true to form) try to take it over and call the group Team Monica.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Upon Phoebe's request, Chandler goes to Gary's police precinct to try to use his fear of commitment to talk Gary out of asking Phoebe to move in with him. As Chandler is walking past a holding area towards Gary's desk, he notices a couple of prostitutes sitting and waiting. [The Knockout] With a huge smirk that could light up the New York sky, Chandler leans over, greets them and asks, "Hey ladies! What are you in here for?"
Close Call Day
Season 5, Episode 20
Friends S5:E20 - Hey there, FRIEND-watching galaxy! I hope you had another excellent week in the vortex. Speaking of such, while we all know there's nothing better than living that vortex life, we also all know that writing (or in your case reading) weekly blog posts on the 20th anniversary of the initial airing of each episode can sometimes be tedious, tiring, soul-crushing work. (Especially when I assign homework. Right, Johnny?) Well, class, one of the best antidotes to the doldrums of this weekly grind that we were foolish enough to sign up for and are too stubborn to back out of is acknowledging when some relief is on the horizon. With that in mind, I'm ecstatic to start today's proceedings with the official countdown clock for Summer Vacation 2019! That's right, Phoebes and Phoebos. Counting today, there's only four posts left until an 18-week break! Can you believe it's already almost that time again? As if this wasn't exciting enough "hope is on the horizon" news all on its own, here's the kicker. On May 20th, after I put the finishing touches on the blog post for the infamous Vegas double-episode, WE WILL BE EXACTLY HALFWAY THROUGH OUR RIDICULOUS DARE OF AN IMPOSSIBLE MISSION!! It's almost surreal to think about but the halfway mark of the FRIENDS 20/20 blog series is a mere THREE WEEKS AWAY! If you haven't noticed, I can't wait to get to Summer Vacation 2019 and now that we've officially started the clock, let's get this "Four Posts to the Halfway Point Countdown" party started right about now (the funk soul brother).
When last we left our heroes, Joey and Chandler were best buds. Based on everything we knew to be true about the universe, nothing had been discovered in the field of physics that could split this pair of ride-or-die homies apart. It brings me no pleasure to report that all of the norms are challenged in today's episode when Joey seemingly chooses Ross over Chandler in a gut-wrenching game of "Whose life would you save?" During the ride-along with Phoebe's boyfriend Gary the Cop (and after Officer Ross was kicked out of the front seat for almost blowing the undercover assignment), Joey is sitting in between Ross and Chandler in the back seat when they hear a loud noise that sounds like a shot was fired. It was actually a car backfiring but in the moment, Joey reacted by diving in Ross's direction in an apparent attempt to shield Ross from the bullet. Being that Chandler is Joey's best friend and roommate, he's understandably hurt that Joey would choose to save Ross over him. Chandler spends the next several hours moping about it until he confronts Joey back at their apartment. Viewers are left on the edge of our seats questioning whether the Chanoey bromance might actually be in jeopardy. But in a hilarious twist, when confronted by Chandler about it, Joey admits that he wasn't trying to save Ross but rather he was trying to save his sandwich which happened to be next to Ross. MY SANDWICH? Since Joey turns out to be the type of guy who's instinct is to protect a sandwich from danger and wasn't actually choosing Ross over Chandler, the Chan Man forgives and order is restored to the universe.
Switching gears, in Friends Pop Culture Watch new, Reelz aired a two-hour Friends documentary yesterday called Friends: Behind Closed Doors. I've gotta say...the documentary was really entertaining. It provided an inside look into the entire 10-year series run from an in depth review of the casting process to an insiders’ perspective into how one of the most commercially successful sitcoms of all-time navigated the challenge of pulling off a smooth landing with its universally acclaimed finale. One of the insights I picked up from the show was how after Season Two, David Schwimmer organized his co-stars to handle contract renegotiations through collective bargaining rather than capitalizing on his perceived starring role as Ross to only worry about his own salary. While I already knew that the Friends stars made a pact to always get paid equally for the duration of the show’s run, I didn’t know the specific details on it. This was a brilliant leverage play by Schwimmer. Had the costars (who were experiencing varying levels of career success outside of the show as it gained popularity in the early season) decided to negotiate contract renewals individually, it is almost certain that jealousy would've eventually crept in and prevented Friends from having the on screen chemistry and longevity that allowed it to blossom into the GOAT sitcom. Here at theLeftAhead, we are a blog site with strong ties to the Labor Movement and the principles of collective action. That being the case, I find it fascinating and inspiring that David Schwimmer had the foresight to protect the show's longterm success using the principles of collective bargaining and that he had the chops as an organizer to bring his costars together and get their buy in to operate in unity through the unbreakable bond of solidarity. Bravo, D-Schwim! Well, class...being that this Wednesday is May Day aka International Workers' Day, I think our discussion on the Friends costars collective bargaining decision is a fine place to wrap up for this week. If you haven't watched the Reelz Friends doc yet, I highly recommend you check it out. It gets the Ken Adams stamp of approval. Holler at you next week when the countdown clock to Summer Vacation 2019 reaches the two-week mark! Late.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where everyone is concerned about how Ross is going to handle Emily getting remarried, Phoebe is the smitten kitten with Gary the Cop, Chandler, Joey, and Ross ask to go on a ride-along with Gary after they find out he took Phoebe on one, Joey reacts to a car backfiring by diving on Ross during the ride-along, Chandler gets jealous because he thinks Joey chose to save Ross over him, Ross believes the car backfire is a near-death experience and promises to seize every opportunity in a newfound appreciation for life, Rachel overhears a message to Ross from Emily asking him to call her the night before her wedding, Monica tries to convince Rachel to delete the message so Ross never finds out, Joey fixes things with Chandler by letting him know that he was trying to save his sandwich not Ross when the car backfired, and Rachel tells Ross about Emily’s message but convinces him not to seize the opportunity to call her back by having him agree that escaping Emily on the same day he escaped death makes it Close Call Day.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang is hanging out at Central Perk when Phoebe arrives with her boyfriend, Officer Gary. Phoebe says "hey" to greet everyone. Gary follows suit with "hello." Monica, speaking on behalf of the gang, returns the greeting with her own enthusiastic "hey." Continuing the pleasantries, Gary asks the group, "How are you?" Before anyone can respond, Phoebe jumps back in by addressing Monica directly with, "Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes." Intrigued by Phoebe's reporting, Joey asks, "You got to go on a ride along?" Phoebe confirms, "Uh-huh!" With childlike enthusiasm and a hint of jealousy, Joey declares, "I want to go on a ride along!" Ross chimes in with, "Me too!" Seemingly open to the prospect, Gary responds, "Okay!" Hoping not to be left out, Chandler informs Gary, "Yeah, yeah! Me too!" Surprised by Chandler's declaration, Gary asks him, "Really? You?" Chandler timidity responds, "Yeah." Pushing him on it a little, Gary says, "Well, it's kinda dangerous." Now more defensive than timid, Chandler fires back, "Well, I like danger." Satisfied with Chandler's insistence, Gary asks all three of them, "Okay, you guys free tonight?" Joey and Ross enthusiastically respond, "Yeah!" [The Knockout] Revealing his true colors when it comes to bravery, Chandler goes into self deprecation preservation with, “Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.”
Featured Image Source: Recap Guide
Headline GIF Source: Tenor
Order and Law
Season 5, Episode 19
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Knockout] Chandler pauses and not having anything to lose with Joey's non-English speaking Grandmother, drops the hammer with, "So, you're old and small." [The Setup] The gang is hanging out at Monica and Rachel's apartment watching the episode of Law & Order that Joey is supposed to make an appearance in playing a criminal with his biggest fan (his grandmother who doesn't speak English). Joey has already realized that his scene was cut from the episode but doesn't have the heart to tell his grandmother and is trying to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, Chandler and Monica have been arguing about flirting with other people. Sitting next to Monica on the couch, Chandler is clearly stewing about the flirting issue. He asks her, "So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?" Monica responds, "Yeah, it's good." Having properly set her up for his condemnation, Chandler loads up the snark by telling her, "See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!" Monica protests, "Chandler!" Joey and his grandmother immediately shush her for being too loud while they're trying to watch the show and wave her and Chandler away. They get up and go in the kitchen and once they're away from the television watchers, Monica continues, "Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me." Chandler responds, "Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women." Monica sarcastically encourages him to keep digging his own grave, instructing, "Go on, teach me something about men and women." Impervious to her sarcasm, Chandler goes for broke, saying, "Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, 'I'm just flirting, no big deal.' But the guy is thinking, 'Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!'" Skeptical, Monica reacts with, "No way!" Convinced of his own wisdom, Chandler reaffirms, "It's true." Monica responds, "Well that's pathetic!" Showing a little compassion, Chandler agrees, "Again true." Monica asks, "And this goes for all guys?" Chandler answers, "All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way." At this point their conversation is interrupted by Joey coming into the kitchen to talk to Ross. Joey informs him, "All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!" Ross checks his watch and responds, "Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like ten minutes left!" Starting to panic, Joey blabs, "I know, I know! What am I going to do?" He pauses for a moment to think and then says "Ooh" to indicate that he's come up with an idea. Overhearing this and reading Joey's mind, Monica informs him, "No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!" Dejected that his idea has been squashed, Joey passively agrees, "Yeah, all right." He then pauses again to think and then says "Ooh" again before darting out of the apartment. Joey's grandmother notices him leaving and yells from the living room, "Joey!" Chandler runs interference by going up to Joey's grandmother and saying, "Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back!" He gestures as he's speaking in an attempt to overcome the language barrier. He then continues, "Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey haphazardly records himself kidnapping the duck in his apartment in order to fool his grandmother into thinking it was his appearance on Order and Law, Rachel takes pity on Ross's inability to flirt and gets Caitlin's phone number for Ross, Phoebe is fascinated by Ross's 'adding smell to gas' flirting and asks him what else they add smell to, Monica isn't mad about Chandler flirting because she flirts with guys all of the time, Ross has a crush on Caitlin so he rats Chandler out to Monica for flirting with her and then orders extra pizzas to get her number with his own flirting but ends up flirting with her about how gas smells, Chandler flirts with "the hot pizza delivery girl" Caitlin, and Joey invites his Grandmother over to Monica and Rachel's apartment to watch his appearance on Law & Order.
In the flirting disagreement between Chandler and Monica, I’m conflicted on whose right and whose wrong. On the one hand, it’s completely unreasonable of Chandler to believe that it’s okay for him to flirt but not for Monica. After almost 11 years of marriage, I’ve been through enough fights to know that double-standards are not healthy or productive. On the other hand, Chandler’s not wrong about how completely pathetic the inner-workings of your typical heterosexual male’s mind is. It brings me no pleasure to confirm that what he’s saying is true. Anytime a woman flirts with a heterosexual male, like clockwork the thought, “Hmm, maybe she wants to sleep with me,” pops into his head. Don’t panic, heterosexual female readers. I promise you there are plenty of stand up guys out there who, if they are in a committed monogamous relationship, would never act upon the thought (I'm including myself among these stand up guys) but unfortunately, even for the best of us, the thought does indeed enter our minds. So when Chandler tells Monica that even though she thinks it's innocent and doesn't mean anything when she flirts with guys, he's right about the fact that the guy on the receiving end of Monica's flirting is thinking, "cool, I think she might want to sleep with me." In the end, though, I still think Chandler's double-standard that he should be allowed to flirt and Monica shouldn't is unreasonable. Just because the guys that Monica is innocently flirting with are thinking about the prospects of sex and the women that Chandler are flirting with may be less inclined to have the same thoughts, it's still a double-standard that is unfair to Monica. Regardless of what the other party is thinking, if Chandler and Monica are in a committed relationship, they are equally in control of both their own actions and their ability to trust the other. Therefore, the only fair agreement to come to is to either agree that they're both allowed to flirt or they are both not allowed to flirt. Ultimately, having a double-standard is unhealthy for the relationship. Well class, now that I've settled Monica and Chandler's disagreement and used it to pass along important and wise relationship advice, I think my work here is done for today. Hope you all have an awesome week and I'll catch up with you next Monday...same smelly cat time, same smelly cat channel. Late.Howdy, Big FRIENDly Giants. Hope everyone who celebrates it had a great Easter Sunday, yesterday! Mine was nice and relaxing, thanks for asking. Notice anything different today? You're probably wondering why all of the sections of the post are in reverse order. Well, if it's answers you seek, check the title. Order and Law, class, Order and Law. Given the title, I thought it would be fun to throw a little Missy Elliot into the mix and take today's post, flip it and reverse it. Consider this our homage to the Seinfeld Backwards Episode. Remember that one? It is one of my all-time favorite Seinfeld episodes. My guy George Constanza was in rare form during that episode. "You can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister." I thought the conception of an episode that travels backwards through time was brilliant. I loved the way that things that don't make any sense as you're watching it are later explained by the preceding events that follow. Well done, Seinfeld writers' room. Enough about Seinfeld, though. This is still a Friends blog series, after all. So without further delay, let's get into today's episode. And for that, class, by now you hopefully know what to do. LOOK UP ⬆️⬆️⬆️ - Friends S5:E19
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Mmm, Noodle Soup
Season 5, Episode 18
Friends S5:E18 - Good afternoon, Friendsters. Please take your seats so we can begin. How's everyone doing today? Between you and me, I personally have a pretty severe case of The Mondays. I mean, can you blame me? Two Mondays ago, I was on the southeastern coast of Italy having the time of my life in Polignano a Mare eating seafood pasta, drinking wine, and soaking in the true, magical blue of the Adriatic Sea. Last Monday, after fighting off the extreme jet lag of a Saturday afternoon arrival in Denver from London and a Sunday morning arrival in Minneapolis from Denver, I got sick traveling back home to Denver from Minneapolis. Now, one week later, I'm still jet lagged and under the weather and I'm also feeling blue about Europe being past tense rather than present tense. Trust me, the happiness hangover that comes with no longer being on a magical vacation combined with international jet lag and a cold is not a fun combination. That being the case and because I don't want to spread my germs to the class, I'm making the executive decision to make this a MAIL-IN SPECIAL. I know, I know. In January, I made a big deal about my 2019 New Year's resolution being to have fewer mail-in specials this year than ever before. Since then, I've played the M-I.S. card multiple times. I still plan to follow through on my resolution but can you cut me a break today? I have my reasons for playing the card today. I've stated them. And yes, they are threefold. You want me to at least say something about today's episode? Okay, no problem. Being that I'm sick, I've been eating a lot of noodle soup this week. Mmm, noodle soup. There. Consider this episode thoroughly dissected. So are we good? Cool, we're good. Alright then, y'all. That's if for today. If you need me, I'll be at Chotchkie's getting some coffee and looking through my photos of Europe. Did I mention how blue the water is in the Adriatic Sea? You don't have to take my word for it, see for yourself. Adams out.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey crashes little Ben's soup commercial audition in hopes of landing his own audition to play Ben's father in the commercial, Rachel starts smoking in order to not be left out when her boss and co-worker go outside to smoke, Chandler (a former smoker) encourages Rachel to stick with her new filthy habit and cheers on her decision to risk her health in pursuit of her career, Monica and Phoebe decide to co-host Rachel's surprise birthday party but (having already planned everything else) Monica puts Phoebe in charge of cups and ice, Phoebe turns lemons into lemonade by turning cups into a banner, a chandelier, and fun party hats and by providing an eclectic array of ice options including crushed, cubed, dry, and snow cones, Ross gets annoyed when Joey asks him to have Ben bow out of the soup commercial because they can't both be in it after Joey is paired with Raymond and Ben is paired with Kyle for the final audition, and Joey blows the final audition when he repeatedly screws up his line by saying, "Mmm, noodle soup."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler and Ross are hanging out at Chandler and Joey's apartment when Phoebe comes in carrying two giant garbage bags stuffed to the brim. Phoebe cheerfully greets them, saying, "Hey." Chandler and Ross simultaneously return Phoebe's greeting, saying, "Hi." Motioning to her two enormous and stuffed garbage bags, Phoebe asks, "Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?" Chandler responds, "Ah sure." He then asks, "What's in 'em?" Phoebe answers, "Umm, cups." [The Knockout] Down three with the bases loaded, Chandler swings for the proverbial "quip" fences, responding, “Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.”
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Hot Girl Parallel Universe
Season 5, Episode 17
Friends S5:E17 - Bonjour, gentil mesdammes et messieurs. I’m happy to be blogging to you live and direct from a little continent known to mes amis en France as L’Europe! I’m currently writing to you aboard a train from Paris to München ? (Munich back stateside) and I’m quite thrilled to be making Friends 20/20 history with my first-ever column written and posted from overseas. As I predicted last time, my creative juices are on 11 today having spent yesterday with my wife taking in Musée du Louvre, Tour Eiffel, et les sites de Paris via pedicab. (Speaking of the Louvre, later in the series we’ll be introduced to a Friends character named Mona but take my word for it, the Mona I met yesterday puts “Friends Mona” to shame. But I digress.) Our perfect Parisian day was capped off beautifully with a visit to Bar Hemingway where I drank Hemingway’s Whiskey and soaked in the ambiance of drinking in a bar dedicated to one of my favorite authors in the city he romanticized. Tout-de-le-fruit...yesterday was spectacular frenching it up in Paris. An intense encounter with the Yellow Vest protest on Saturday aside, our time in Paris was flat out remarquable. By the way. It wasn’t too shabby last week either knocking around in London and Liverpool. I’d love to tell you more about my European experience but there’s simply too much to tell that if I did, we’d risk having the critics start complaining that I’m derailing Friends 20/20 into a travel blog. Plus, I want to put these “peak level” creative juices to good use by moving right into my break down of this week’s episode so I can edit and post this before my train arrives in München in approximately three hours. Shall we then?I simply adore the “Joey can’t find the hot girl” storyline. Watching him repeatedly count the windows and floors in Ross’s apartment building (so he can meet hot girl) only to somehow always end up at Ross’s apartment is like a delicious comedic croissant that’s been buttered in laugh-our-loud hilarity. Could a line be any more epic than, “I can’t believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.” When Monica eventually helps him figure out exactly where to go, the fact that Ross answers the door at Jen’s (hot girl’s) apartment when Joey knocks (leading Joey to believe he’s miscounted again) is the Michelin star-worthy scrumptious macaron (or cherry on top, if you will) to the fantastically executed menu of a storyline that the Friends writers have served up in this episode in order to quell our veracious appetite for laughter. Hear, hear. Compliments to the chef. My other observation today is to ask why, oh why did Mr. Zelner hire Rachel after she embarrassed herself in a way that only Rachel can? She was in total meltdown-mode trying to salvage her Ralph Lauren job prospects after accidentally kissing Zelner while being escorted out of his office from the initial interview. Was Rachel qualified? Sure. Did she demonstrate the potential to work hard and excel at the job? Absolutely. Should he have hired her? Hells to the nah. Watching her try to recover during her second attempt to salvage the “accidental” kiss was like watching a train wreck. (Wait a minute. What am I saying? I'm currently ON A TRAIN. [Please pause for a brief interruption while I KNOCK ON WOOD.]) While, of course, we are rooting for Rachel’s success, let’s be honest, Zelner should have taken her meltdown as an indication of potential headaches to come and steered a hundred miles away from hiring Rachel Karen Green. Spoiler Alert: having not seized said opportunity, Zelner deserves everything he has coming his way for the next five years. On that note, Meine Damen und Herren, it is time for me to Lebewohl sagen. I can already taste the massive glass of bier I have coming my way tomorrow at the Hafbräuhaus München. Thanks for taking part in my European adventures. I’ll holler at ya when I’m back in Amerika.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey attempts to meet a hot girl in Ross’s building across the street that he's been flirting with from the window at Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Ross meets the same hot girl first and decides to ask her out after she agrees it was unfair of the other tenants to ask him to chip in for Howard the Handyman’s retirement after he had just moved in, Rachel accidentally kisses her interviewer while seeking a new job at Ralph Lauren, Phoebe is hot and heavy with Gary the Cop, Monica is jealous that Phoebe and Gary are in the new relationship “can’t keep your hands off each other” phase and enlists Chandler to have sex repeatedly to compete with Pheebs and her Gare Bear, Chandler briefly becomes the Relationship King when he convinces Monica that the phase that they’re in in their relationship is more exciting than the “hot and heavy” phase, and Joey nearly loses his mind when he’s unsuccessful at unlocking the Hot Girl Parallel Universe.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler is in a restaurant’s restroom while having dinner with Monica, Phoebe, and Gary. He's enjoying looking in the mirror while flashing the police badge Gary gave him. Monica sneaks in and seductively says, “Hi Chandler.” Caught off guard, Chandler responds, “Monica! This is the Men's room! Isn't it?” Undeterred, Monica answers, “Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?” Chandler defensively replies, “no” and then elaborates, “and if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!” Monica pleads, “Come on, we can't let them win!” Exasperated, Chandler argues, “Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot!” He follows up by asking, “Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?” Providing insight, Monica informs him, “Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!” Not getting it, Chandler asks, “So?” Monica continues, “I feel really sad that we're not...really there anymore.” Making the connection, Chandler asks, “Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?” Monica continues, “Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were ya know all over each other all the time?” Chandler agrees, “Yeah that was great. That was really great!” He then suggests, “But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.” Sceptical, Monica asks, “Really?” Chandler elaborates, “Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Ya know to get past the beginning and still want to be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting.” He leans in and kisses her. Monica responds, “That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.” Seeking confirmation, Chandler asks, “Yeah?” Granting it, Monica answers, “Yeah.” They then hug it out. After the hug, Chandler excitedly says, “Ya know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.” Becoming defensive, Monica insists, “Did not.” Chandler insistently continues, “Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!” Relenting, Monica agrees, “Okay, I freaked out a little. Pushing further, Chandler continues, “Little? You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up!” He foolishly decides to do the gloating dance that Monica hates. [The Knockout] Realizing his mistake, Chandler digs into his self-deprecating arsenal with, “And now we're back.”
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Pivot!
Season 5, Episode 16
Friends S5:E16 - Heyo, heyo, it's off to Perk we go. What is good loyal readers? Welcome, welcome, welcome to the last post before the first Friends 20/20 post written in Europe. That's right. If you remember our discussion last week, you might recall me reporting that exactly two weeks from tomorrow...I'll be leaving on a jet plane for London, Baby! (And if #Brexit is a disaster on March 29th - the day my wife and I fly from Rome to London, I don't know when I'll be back again.) That's right, girls and boys...our little experiment of blogging every FRIENDS episode on the 20th anniversary of its airing just got interesting. Uncle Kenny will be taking the challenge to another level while my wife and I take a few weeks to explore the other side of the pond. As I reported last week, luckily there will only be one episode to blog from Europe (March 18th) and I know I'm up for the challenge. After all, if I'm already this fired up, I know I'll be operating on pure adrenaline during the trip. I have complete confidence that Europe won't be the downfall of our experiment. If anything, writing a Friends 20/20 post on a train between Paris and Munich will easier than writing one in theLeftAhead office while enduring the monotony of my everyday routine. I can only imagine the creative energy that will be flowing from my fingertips as I type our next post the day after going to the Louvre. Damn, the Louvre. Could this European tour be any sweeter? With stops in London, Paris, Munich, Venice, Naples, Bari, and Rome, I'm so excited...I simply can't wait to get in my map! So without further adieu, what do you say we get today's episode analyzed and recapped so I can post it and then PIVOT into International Man of Mystery-mode? Can you tell that I'm ready to get my Austin Powers on? All of this talk about Europe has got me like...I've got my mojo back, baby, oh behave.
Well class, we have another classic David Schwimmer's Ross Geller performance to digest this week. This time our hero finds himself in need of a new couch. He enlists Rachel on his couch buying quest and in classic Ross fashion he a) embarrasses himself by accidentally insinuating to the salesperson that he wants to use the couch to seduce kids, b) embarrasses Rachel by informing the salesperson (when homie doesn't believe that Ross used to date Rachel) that he and Rachel had sex 298 times ("YOU KEPT COUNT?"), c) is too cheap to pay the delivery charge. Classic Ross Example C results in the ridiculous hilarity that is the PIVOT incident. Needless to say if you've never seen the episode but are aware of the Rossatron in all of his magnificent goofiness, Ross frantically instructing his friends to pivot during the lifting of his new couch up a flight of stairs did not result in him enjoying his new couch (with the ladies) in his living room but instead resulted in the couch getting destroyed and him settling for four dollars store credit in exchange for a couch that was "cut in half." Well, I was already in a good mood but thanks to Ross, I'm floating on Cloud Nine. Mr. (err... I mean, Dr.) Geller, you've officially made my day, my week, probably even my fortnight. Thanks to you, I'll be laughing all the way to the bank. But only if they have a bank at the airport. That's it for now, class. I'll holler at you in a few weeks from France. Or maybe Germany. I bid you adieu.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross buys a new couch that is kid friendly but also says "come here to me," Phoebe impersonates a police officer, Joey thinks he needs to move out of his and Chandler's apartment after having a romantic dream about Monica, Chandler gets excited that Joey had a dream about a girl he is seeing, Monica convinces Joey that he's not in love with her but instead just wants "the closeness" with someone himself, Rachel tries to help Ross move his couch three blocks from the store so Ross can avoid paying the delivery fee, and Ross ultimately returns the couch for $4.00 store credit after it gets destroyed because Rachel (and Chandler) were unable to follow his instructions to pivot!
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Ross is waiting in the stairwell of his apartment building for Rachel to bring someone to help them get his new couch up the stairs. As he's killing time, Ross is fantasizing about having a woman over and asking her to join him on the couch. He mimics a future encounter by gesturing someone over to sit on the couch next to him while saying, "Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me." Rachel arrives and says, "Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements." Not knowing who is following her yet, Ross responds, "Oh great! What, you brought Joey?" Rachel answers, "Well, I brought the next best thing." Chandler enters and says, "Hey!" Without even attempting to hide his disappointment, Ross says, "Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would be Monica!" Surprisingly not upset, Chandler explains his lack of anger suggesting, "Ya know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so..." Not willing to waste any time, Ross cuts Chandler off and instructs his friends, "Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay Rach (Ross points to the drawing) that's you. That's the couch." Intrigued by another part of the sketch, Rachel interrupts by asking, "Whoa-oh, what's-what's that?" Ross answers impatiently, "Oh, that's me." Taken aback, Rachel opines, "Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself." Realizing what she's thinking, Ross clarifies, "No! That's-that's my arm!" [The Knockout] Taking a moment to inspect the sketch, Chandler sides with Rachel and demonstrates his allegiance by planting the flag, "Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch."
Mr. Bigot
Season 5, Episode 12
Friends S5:E12 - Greetings, Friendinistas. I hope Week 105 of The Resistance finds you well. Given that we are reconvening as an indisputably unnecessary government shutdown is beleaguering our country, I hope you're having a resilient MLK Day. We reflect on Dr. King's legacy today while we simultaneously struggle to overcome the racism and fear mongering behind the manufactured crisis that has resulted in millions of federal employees struggling to make ends meet after weeks of not getting paid. The moment we are in is an important reminder that part of the hard work of realizing King's inspirational vision that "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice" means figuring out how to bend the arc around walls. The challenges we face from the presidency of Donald Trump (aka Mr. Bigot) are numerous and fierce. Hopefully the magnificent legacy and example provided to us by leaders such as Dr. King coupled with opportunities for reflection on days such as today help to replenish our moral reservoir and rekindle the vital hope that we will come out the other side of this thing a stronger and more just society. Keep fighting the good fight, sister and brothers. If we remain diligent in our resistance, King's words will once again prove prophetic. In 92 weeks (on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020) we have the opportunity to ensure that the moral arc will bend towards justice once again. If we're successful, the racists, the misogynists, the xenophobes, etc. who have been empowered by Donald Trump (aka Mr. Bigot) will be forced to admit on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021, "the sun has set on our day in the sun."
* * *
Okay, class. Sorry to shift gears on you. After the important conversation we just wrapped up, I know this is going to seem trivial by comparison, but as you all know...your New Year's Resolution homework assignment is due today. (You didn't really think I'd forget, did you Johnny?) If you remember, you are all expected to report on what your New Year's resolution is and whether you have been successful in keeping it for the first three weeks of the year. As an added bonus, the student with the best presentation will receive a Nutter Butter as a prize. I, of course, will serve in the Joey Tribbiani role as judge of this here competition. So without further ado, let the competition begin and the presentations commence. [Long pause for presentations] [A handsome man walks to the front of the classroom] Well done, class! Those were some lofty and noble New Year's resolutions you just presented on. I'm really excited to hear that almost half of the class has kept their resolutions for the past three weeks and is still on track to achieve your goals. While almost all of you will be receiving an A on this assignment (sorry Johnny, I don't find your resolution of making Mr. Adams life a living hell a resolution worthy of an A), there can only be one winner. [Drum roll]. Congratulations, Susie. Your resolution of fostering an abandoned duck and keeping it as your pet (Joey and Chandler-style) for the entire year was both inspiring and admirable. You receive extra credit for how you drew inspiration from the Friends 20/20 textbook and applied it to your real life. Bravo, Susie. It probably goes without saying, but, "the duck gets the Nutter Butter!" The shameless integration of a quote from today's episode into the fictional classroom this blog series has cultivated into has been brought to you by Ichiban. (Ichiban: lipstick for men.) That's it for today, class. Keep up with your resolutions and keep on resisting. Solidarity forever ✊
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica discovers Chandler's super-phony work laugh after she and Chandler start hanging out with Chandler's boss and his wife so they don't have to hide their relationship and can be a "real couple," Ross is so depressed after he finds out Emily is getting re-married that he hooks up with Janice (Chandler's annoying ex-girlfriend), Chandler becomes worried when Ross tells him the rules about dating your friends' ex-girlfriends or sisters and, in order to minimize the damage when Ross inevitably finds out about him and Monica, pretends to be angry and then forgive Ross for hooking up with Janice, Joey acknowledges to Rachel that he doesn't know very much about the nature of Monica and Chandler's relationship, Phoebe loses a chick and duck "Nutter Butter" race when Joey is both her competitor and the race's judge, Rachel presses Monica but can't get her to admit her and Chandler's relationship, and when asked by Rachel about a phone conversation she overheard...Monica claims Chandler's nickname is Mr. Bigot.
Gandalf Gaffes - Today we have pretty straight forward Double G to add to the board. When Monica and Chandler are in Chandler's room discussing their struggles in continuing to hide their relationship from their friends, Monica expressed remorse about lying to Rachel. During the discussion, she makes an interesting claim to Chandler. She suggests a long, uninterrupted closeness to Rachel when she tells Chandler, "Ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything to." Hmm, that's weird. Last time I checked, it was established in The Pilot that Monica and Rachel drifted apart after high school and weren't in regular contact by the time the show began. I mean, Monica wasn't even invited to Rachel's wedding to Barry and found out about it second hand. That's a far cry from Rachel being "the one person I told everything to." Monica's blatant disregard for her and Rachel's "distant" period when discussing their relationship with Chandler is a noteworthy gaffe but not too egregious so I'm ruling it a level one infraction.
Gandalf Gaffe #26: During an intimate conversation with Chandler discussing how difficult it's become to hide their relationship from their friends, Monica expresses remorse over lying to Rachel and claims that since high school, Rachel is the one person she told everything to. However, The Pilot established that Monica and Rachel grew distant after high school to the point where Monica wasn't even invited to Rachel's wedding to Barry and had to find out about it second hand.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Monica and Chandler have just returned to Monica and Rachel's apartment after playing tennis with Chandler's boss and his wife. Monica is upset with Chandler for sucking up to his boss and barks at him, "I can't believe you let them win!" Chandler removes a busted tennis racket from his bag and sarcastically responds, "Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it." Monica defends her actions saying, "I was frustrated." Chandler bemoans, "It was my racquet." Not backing down, Monica fires back, "I was frustrated with you!" Now on the defensive, Chandler moves the conversation along by pointing out, "If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invited us to dinner tomorrow night." Unable to hold back, Monica berates Chandler with, "Ya know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean, ya know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the 'I'll see you around, Bing!' 'Not if I see you first, Doug!' (Monica mocks Chandler's fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. [The Knockout] Not knowing what else to do, Chandler decides to go nuclear, responding, "Okay ya know what? Because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight."
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More Turkey, Mr. Chandler?
Season 5, Episode 8
Friends S5:E8 - Turkey for you. Turkey for me. I like to eat turkey with my friend Phoebe. Hey there, Friendsters. The holiday season is upon us, hmm? Glad to be back with you on this fine Thanksgiving Eve Eve Eve. Despite the Double G-extravaganza that we'll be discussing later, today's episode aka The One with All the Thanksgivings is one of the funniest episodes to date. It's got everything. Phoebe at war, Ross and Chandler's oft-forgotten guest-starring roles on Miami Vice, and who could forget the living testament of awesomeness that is Turkey-Head Monica. There is so much going on in this episode that we're unquestionably headed towards one of the lengthier breakdowns that we've encounter on our journey thus far. For that reason, and also because I know many of us our trying to get all caught up on work before the long holiday weekend, I am officially declaring Thanksgiving Eve Eve Eve as a Mail-In Special holiday. So, after you finish writing those reports and sending those emails, why don't you go ahead and put on a warm fire in the fireplace, ease on in to a comfy chair, and curl up with our sweet yet savory Recap in the Key of Phoebe. Happy Holidays to you and yours. It's almost turkey time. I'll catch up with you in December.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler claims to be the "King of Bad Thanksgivings" so the gang reminisces about unfortunate Thanksgiving memories from their past including Joey getting a turkey stuck on his head in 1992, Phoebe getting her arm blown off in past lives in both 1882 and 1915, Ross hitting on Rachel in 1987 but then having a new girlfriend named Carol in 1988, Rachel getting a nose job sometime before Thanksgiving 1988, Monica getting upset that Chandler called her fat in 1987 and then (after losing weight) trying to seduce Chandler in order to humiliate him in 1988, and Chandler having part of his pinky toe severed in 1988 when Monica accidentally drops a knife on his foot while trying to seduce him which rivals his worst Thanksgiving memory ever...the one of the housekeeper (his dad's lover) asking, "More Turkey, Mr. Chandler?"
Gandalf Gaffes - Gather round the table, girls and boys. We have a heaping serving of Double Gs to be thankful for this week courtesy of the GOAT sitcom's infamous Thanksgiving flashback episode. That's right, kiddos. We have continuity issues galore that we'll be slicing up and the handing out like pumpkin pie with whip cream on top. So grab a plate and step right up. Our first tasty dish comes to us courtesy of one of the most infamous pairs of roommates in television history: Chandler Bing and Joey Tribbiani. Move over, Bert and Ernie because we're flashing back to the time that JT played an epic prank on the Chan Chan Man during Thanksgiving 1992. That's right, we're getting a first-hand look at the time Joey put a turkey on his head to scare Chan...hold up. Did I just say Thanksgiving 1992? Funny, I did say that. And the reason this is funny is that we've previously established that Joey first moves in with Chandler in 1993. Ironically, this was previously established in another flashback episode, aptly named The One with the Flashback (S3:E6). So, unless Joey started hanging out with Doc Brown and Marty McFly at some point and borrowed their time machine, it is impossible that Joey would've been pranking Chandler during Thanksgiving 1992. Nice try, FRIENDS writer's room. You're going to need to feed us a lot more turkey to get the necessary tryptophan to catch us sleeping on that blatant of a Double G. Since we all know that Joey wouldn't use a time machine to go back in time and prank Chandler, he would use it to go back in time to eat the very first ever meatball sub, I'm ruling this a level three infraction. Moving right along into our second scrumptious piece of Gaffe pie, we're now flashing back to the (count 'em) third iteration of how Rachel and Chandler first met. The time? Thanksgiving 1987. The place? Jack and Judy Geller's house. According to this lovely flashback, Ross brings his college roommate Chandler home to spend Thanksgiving 1987 with his family. Rachel is over at the Geller's house hanging out with Monica when Ross and Chandler arrive. During introductions, Rachel and Chandler meet for the first time. This is all well and good except for one teensy tiny problem. It was established from the jump (and when I say jump, I mean the Pilot) that Rachel and Chandler first met at Central Perk after Rachel ran out on her wedding to Barry. As we all know, class, the facts that were established in the pilot are the closest thing to Natural Law that we have in our humble little blog series. Therefore, Rachel meeting Chandler in 1987 is a continuity error that cannot be allowed to stand. As I alluded to earlier, this is not the first time that the Friends writer's room has tried to pull this fast one on us. In S3:E6, the other infamous flashback episode, they tried to suggest that Rachel and Chandler first met in 1993 at the bar that would eventually become Central Perk (prior to Rachel's wedding). Do they think we are gulli-bulls? Or even gulli-calves? Why not have Rachel and Chandler meet for the first time in every episode of Friends? Considering that this particular Double G is a repeat offense, it is unequivocally a level three infraction. Moving right along, I hope you kids left room for dessert. I know, I know. We're already served up two slices of Gaffe pie and you're probably already full. Tough cookie because we've got more more tasty dish to digest. This time we're flashing back to Thanksgiving 1988 and Ross is telling his family about his new girlfriend, Carol. Funny thing, though. In the pilot (our Natural Law), Ross talks about divorcing Carol after seven years of marriage. The pilot takes place in 1994. You do the math. This would mean that Ross and Carol would've gotten married in 1987. Now, I'm no math wizard but how could Carol be Ross's new girlfriend at Thanksgiving 1988 when they had already married in 1987? Spicing this dish up with more confusion, remember that earlier in this episode during the flashback to Thanksgiving 1987, Ross still had a crush on Rachel. This extra detail makes this final slice a Gaffe-explosion since it would be unlikely that Ross and Carol would meet, start dating and get married between Thanksgiving 1987 and the end of the year. Of course a Gaffe-explosion is going to result in a level three infraction. So there you have it, class. We have officially scraped the plate on our Thanksgiving-flashback-Gandalf-Gaffe-extravaganza. Time for a nap.
Gandalf Gaffe #22: Our third flashback in today's episode takes us back to Thanksgiving 1992 and shows Joey trying to scare Chandler by putting a turkey on his head. Good try. S3:E6 (also a flashback episode) establishes that Joey first met and subsequently moved in with Chandler in 1993.
Gandalf Gaffe #23: Our fourth flashback in today's episode takes us back to Thanksgiving 1987 and shows Chandler and Rachel meeting for the first time at the Geller's house for Thanksgiving. In the Pilot (S1:E1), it was clearly established, however, that Rachel meets Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe for the first time at Central Perk in 1994 after running out on her wedding to Barry. This is a Double-Double G since Chandler and Rachel's first meeting each other was also already contradicted in S3:E6.
Gandalf Gaffe #24: Our fifth flashback in today's episode takes us back to Thanksgiving 1988 and shows Ross telling his family about his new girlfriend, Carol. In the Pilot (S1:E1), Ross and Carol get divorced in 1994 after seven years of marriage. This would mean they would have married in 1987 and almost certainly have been, at the very least, dating by Thanksgiving 1987. Remember in today's episode, Ross still had a crush on Rachel at Thanksgiving 1987 making this a super-charged Double G.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Ross and Chandler enter the Geller's house while visiting for Thanksgiving 1987. After walking inside the house, Ross says, "Hey!" Chandler walks in behind him sporting a Flock of Seagulls haircut. Jack (Ross and Monica's dad) looks at Chandler's haircut and says, "Oh my!" Ross proceeds to introduce Chandler to his family, saying, "Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!" Intrigued by Ross's roommate and wanting to be individually introduced, Monica prompts him by pleading, "Ross!" Turning to Chandler, Ross informs him, "Oh, this is Monica." Monica immediately jumps in, "Hi, I'm Ross's little sister." Looking her up and down and noticing how overweight Monica is, Chandler says sarcastically, "Okay." Judy (Ross and Monica's mom) jumps in, "I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry." Ross answers for Chandler by informing his mom, "Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food." Perplexed and a little frustrated, Judy responds, "Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then." Wanting to make a good impression on Chandler, Monica offers, "Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner." Chandler answers, "Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in." Monica laughs at Chandler's joke to the point that Diet Coke comes out of her nose. Embarrassed she says, "Dammit!" and runs out of the room. After Monica leaves Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and then goes over to talk to her. Ross asks Rachel, "So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Ya know since I've been away at college." Preoccupied and uninterested, Rachel responds, "Oh! No, not really." Ross continues, "Well, that's cool. So did..." Before he can finish, Rachel walks away. Ross sheepishly returns his attention to Chandler. [The Knockout] Ready to twist the knife into Ross's unrequited love angst, Chandler says, "So that's Rachel, uh? The one girl you've been writing all those songs about? You might want to re-think the lyrics of She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone."
Featured Image Source: Dorna on Pintrest
Headline GIF Source: GIPHY
It's What Grown-Ups Do
Season 5, Episode 6
Friends S5:E6 - Greetings, Friendinistas. I hope Week 94 of The Resistance finds you well. To start, let me state the obvious. This post is going to be a ? Grade-A Mail-In Special. If you have to ask why, you probably haven't been paying close enough attention to your favorite pop culture blog series since this happened. While writing that now infamous post, we made the decision to soldier on with this project under the philosophy that part of how we #resist is by maintaining a sense of normalcy. (In other words, had theLeftAhead abandoned Friends 20/20 after Election 2016 in order to instead cover Donald Trump full-time, we would've been playing into his hands since publicity, good, bad, or otherwise, is central to his grip on power. While many, many news outlets and blog sites believe with good intention that reporting on every horrible thing he does every single day is a dutiful form of resistance, in our opinion, a much more effective form of resistance and way of diffusing Donald Trump's power is to intentionally turn attention away from the circus that is his presidency at times and instead, maintain a grip on what normalcy was prior to Trump's America.) So, yes. For us, soldiering on with Friends 20/20 was the right decision. Not foreseen at the time but a byproduct that's been a pleasant surprise is that this blog series has gotten more political since Election 2016 because (by making the decision to continue the series) we simply don't have the manpower to adequately equip theLeftAhead with the necessary amount of political content to hold Trump accountable on all of the big stuff (not speaking here about the daily minutia of reprehensible behavior but things like Charlottesville, the massive transfer of wealth to the one percent through the GOP tax bill, the siding with Putin over our own intelligence agencies, Kavanaugh, babies in cages). So, since we don't always have the manpower to cover this stuff otherwise at theLeftAhead, Friends 20/20 has become a greater political forum by default. Having said all of that (to summarize, continuing the blog series was the right decision), today is one of those days where not just me - but all of us - have something more important to be focused on than Friends 20/20. Namely, compelling people to vote. We get the elected officials we deserve. Our fellow American citizens who believe in conservatism enough to sell their souls to the devil by aligning with the values that Donald Trump represents are planning to show up at the polls tomorrow. On their side, they show up to vote because they believe that it's what grown-ups do. (Now rationalizing a reason to condone Donald Trump's behavior isn't what grown-ups do but that's a different conversation.) The good news? They are a vastly outnumbered minority. Most Americans still believe in decency, and tolerance, and holding our leaders accountable to the rule of law. Most Americans want universal health care, and want to reverse climate change for future generations, and believe in holding corporate power in check, and think our current levels of wealth and income inequality are a moral dilemma. Here's the kicker. The vast, vast majority of younger eligible voters believe these things. Our job is to make sure that the vast, vast majority of us (particularly young voters) believe that we must vote because it's what grown-ups do. If we turn the corner on our collective thinking about our civic duty (we mobilize the youth vote, outwork the other side at GOTV, and operate with the mindset that we must ALL vote because it's what grown-ups do), we might begin to reverse the erosion of our democracy and start restoring dignity in our government. We might even elect some leaders who believe in the things that most of us believe in. We get the elected officials we deserve. If we all show up tomorrow and VOTE, we might just deserve to get elected officials like this...
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Emily asks Ross to sell all of his furniture and then move out of his apartment so she won't be subjected to Rachel cooties upon moving to New York, Phoebe's birth mom gives her a fur coat made from mink as a family heirloom that disgusts her at first before she decides it looks good on her, Chandler accidentally almost makes Phoebe woke about child labor abuses in Third World countries, Rachel fogs her new neighbor Danny in the storage room and then begins developing a love/hate relationship with him, Monica unconditionally forgives Rachel for also fogging her during the Danny storage room incident, Joey can't control his emotions (because he's an actor) and tells Ross how much he hates Emily's unreasonable requests, and Ross ultimately breaks up with Emily because when one is in a relationship with a partner that is that controlling and untrusting, it's what grown-ups do.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Ugly Naked Guy Watch – Thinking that it is their last time having dinner all together (because Emily has forbidden Ross to see Rachel once she moves to New York), the gang serendipitously sees Ugly Naked Guy through the window again for the first time after a long period of not seeing him.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Joey, Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are at Central Perk when Ross enters holding a flyer that he wants to post inside the coffee shop. While attempting to do so, he says "hey" to there rest of the gang. Noticing what Ross is doing, Gunther approaches him and says, "Oh, Ross. Ross! You can't put up flyers in here." Caught off guard, Ross responds, "How come? Everybody else does." Gunther matter-of-factly responds, "you can't" in a way that clearly demonstrates his biased against one of Rachel's ex-boyfriends. Before Ross can protest, Monica asks, "What is that?" His attention successfully diverted, Ross turns to Monica and answers, "Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things." Monica looks at the flyer and observes, "This is all of your things." Putting on a brave face, Ross responds, "Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Ya know, brand new." Monica counters, "So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale." Agreeing, Ross continues, "Touched. Used. Sat on. Slept on." Still hovering near the conversation, Gunther interrupts by informing Ross, "I'll take it all." Moving right past the stalker-alert implications of Gunther's offer, Joey asks Ross, "Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?" Ross answers, "Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine." Chandler follows up with, "Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?" Ross suggests, "After what I did? Can you blame her?" Phoebe validates Ross by offering, "Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green." Hearing this, Ross makes a b-line for the restroom. After he leaves, a frustrated Joey asks, "What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?" Monica interjects, "Now calm down Joey." Joey does not relent, however, continuing, "No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!" Phoebe concurs, "Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing." [The Knockout] Clearly more concerned with taking a sarcastic shot than he is about the implications of the Ross-Emily-Rachel situation, Chandler piles on, "Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence."
Video Source: Beto for Texas on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Vote.je
Headline Image Source: The Youth Vote
Me Too
Season 5, Episode 5
Friends S5:E5 - Trick or Phoebe, smell my Phoebe, give me something Phoebe to eat. If you Phoebe, I don’t Phoebe, I’ll Phoebe down your underwear! What. Is. Good, Mercedes Friends? Welcome to our fifth annual Halloween Post-Extravaganza! ? (I realize that my use of the comma there means a) I could be writing a Halloween extravaganza blog post or b) we could be celebrating Halloween after having an extravaganza.) 👻 Any who, how're ya doing on this lovely Halloween Eve-Eve? If you're in the spirit of the season like I am and, therefore, open to a fright, we have quite a scare in store for you later in the post. Before we get to that, however, it occurred to me that while we are celebrating Halloween today, funnily, our Friends 20/20 episode analysis won't be part of the celebration because our FRIENDS were not celebrating Halloween 20 years ago in the episode under discussion. The GOAT 🐐 sitcom certainly had years with Halloween-themed episodes but this does not happen to be one of them. While I might find that batty, right now in my head, I'm envisioning you - the reader - completely unimpressed by the observation in such a condescending way, you decide to respond to me in your best Chandler Bing-impression voice, snickering, "Well, ah Boohoo." Fine. Enough FRIENDS observations for today. I can tell that ever since I let the (black) cat out of the bag that there is going to be a scare in today's post, you're all fixated in anticipation. Fine, fine, fine. Without further ado, I present...
Me Too: A Donald Trump Horror Story
Chandler and Monica Bing sat down with me (Ken Adams) in their Westchester County, New York home last Thursday, October 18th, 2018, to give their first public statements and provide video documentation to theLeftAHead of then Monica Geller's "Me Too" moment.
[Ken] Monica and Chandler, thank you so much for choosing to share your story with theLeftAhead. Monica, please begin, whenever you're ready.
[Monica] Well, thanks for having us Ken. I guess I'll start by giving a little background. The year was 1998, twenty-years ago, almost to the day, in fact.
[Ken] Is that why you chose to go public with your story now? The twenty-year anniversary?
[Monica] Well, I hadn't really thought about it until just now, so no, Mr. Adams. Our reason for going public now is that Chandler and I felt that perhaps my story could help empower other survivors and also help inform voters.
[Chandler] Yeah, so anyway, as Mon was saying, it was roughly 20-years ago...
[Monica] Now, that I'm thinking about it, it was the weekend of October 23rd -25th, 1998, to be exact.
[Chandler] Nobody needed you to be that exact, but whatever...
[Monica] Nobody needed you to interrupt me but you still did that now didn't you?
[Ken] Monica, please continue.
[Monica] Anyway, as I was saying, Chandler and I were really new in our relationship and we were still hiding it from our friends so we decided to have a weekend getaway to get a break from all of the sneaking around.
[Chandler] We told our friends that we both had out-of-town work conferences. It was genius, except for one small detail. Monica decided to say her conference was in New Jersey without consulting me. Had she consulted me, she would've found out that my fake conference was already in New Jersey so it would have made more sense for her fake-conference to be somewhere else as to not arouse suspicion.
[Monica] You're doing it again.
[Chandler] What?
[Monica] Interrupting me. So, once again, as I was saying, Chandler and I went away to Atlantic City for a romantic getaway weekend and immediately started fighting.
[Ken] Why were you fighting?
[Monica] Chandler was obsessed with watching some stupid car chase from the moment we got there and when I called him out for being inconsiderate, he called me, "Mom."
[Chandler] Umm, actually...the reason we were fighting and not having fun is that you made us change rooms 17 times upon arrival.
[Monica] Whatever, Speed Racer. So, even though we were fighting, we decided to grab dinner together on Saturday and as we were walking back into the lobby of the hotel after dinner, to our great surprise, we saw Donald Trump waiting for an elevator in the lobby.
[Chandler] Kenny, as you might imagine, I'm not big on videography. Having said that, I just so happened to have a video camera on this particular occasion. It was a video camera that belonged to my roommate at the time, Joey Tribianni. He had brought it with him on a trip to London and also used it when our other friend Phoebe had her brother's triplets.
[Monica] Tell him why you, a non-viroegraphy enthusiast, had Joey's camera on our trip to New Jersey.
[Chandler] Monica and I wanted to use it in the hotel room on our weekend get-a-way for...
[Monica] Excuse me, Monica and I?
[Chandler] I wanted to use it in our hotel room that weekend to try a thing I learned in Maxim Magazine.
[Ken] I'm sorry, did you say your friend Phoebe had her brother's triplets?
[Chandler] Story for another time, Kenny. Story for another time.
[Monica] Chandler, get on with your videotape part already.
[Chandler] Sorry, Mon, TMI? Okay, anyway...as soon as we approached and I realized it was Donald Trump waiting for the elevator, I thought I could one-up Joey's footage of him and Fergie (he got her on camera on the aforementioned London trip) by getting Trump to be on camera with Monica.
[Monica] So we approached Donald Trump and Chandler asked if we could get footage of him posing for a hug with me.
[Chandler] At first he seemed approachable and amenable to our request.
[Monica] Oh, man, did that quickly change. As soon as he turned his attention from Chandler to me, something changed in his demeanor. He put a TicTac in his mouth and he moved on me. I was shocked because Chandler was standing right there. I stepped aside and quickly reported that the guy that had asked for the picture is my boyfriend. He mumbled that he didn't care and something about being a star. He had become so tunnel-visioned with his infatuation for me, he hadn't even noticed that Chandler had lifted to camera and was now filming him.
[Chandler] To my complete astonishment, in front of a lobby full of people, he approached Monica again and stuck his and out to grab her...
[Monica] Luckily, my brother once taught me some martial artists and so I used the concept of Unagi to sense what this pervert was attempting to do and to quickly react by karate chopping Donald Trump's hand away before he had successfully grabbed my private area. He was extremely agitated at my ability to defend myself and angrily screamed at me, "You're supposed to let me do this, you rotten bitch. Whatever, you're a dog anyway. If you worked for me, I'd tell you, 'You're fired.' Have a nice life regretting turning down the best thing that ever happened to you."
[Chandler] Without ever once turning back to me to notice that I was filming, Donald Trump stormed onto the elevator and his scowling, pumpkin face disappeared behind the elevator doors as they closed.
[Ken] Tell me you got the whole thing on tape.
[Chandler] Could I have gotten any more of the whole thing on tape?
[Ken] That's a yes?
[Monica] Yes, that's Chandler's dumb-ass way of saying yes.
[Ken] I've heard whispers from many other journalists over the past couple of years about the existence of an Elevator Tape. Are you telling me...?
[Chandler] Exactly Ken, my man. I shot the Elevator Tape!
[Monica] Well, I starred in it! So I win!
[Chandler] Yes, dear, as always...you win. Anyway, Kenny...see the common misconception among the journalistic rumors is that the incident took place in Trump Towers when in fact, it happened at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City before Trump was forced to declare bankruptcy there. What a loser, I mean, you've got to be pretty bad a business to bankrupt a casino. Any of my colleagues in the advertising world, you see, I'm in advertising...
[Monica] Chandler, shut up.
[Chandler] Yes, dear.
[Ken] Well, I must say, this is an incredible development one week before the midterms. And you're willing to release the tape today to theLeftAhead for us to make available to the public?
[Monica] We are, Ken. This has been a tough decision, I really value my privacy. I actually almost came forward in 2016, but when so many other women came forward after the Access Hollywood tape, I assumed that Trump's sexual misconduct would be a disqualifying for him to become President of the United States. I assumed he would lose the election without me needing to come forward and I could go on living my private life. To this day, it still boggles my mind that that disgusting, pervert won. I have had a nagging thought in my mind ever since. What kind of message does excusing Donald Trump's sexual misconduct by electing him president send to our kids? What kind of example do our children currently have in the White House? My kids, Jack and Erica, will be eligible to vote for the first time in the 2020 Presidential Election and I fear if the voters don't provide a check on his power in the midterms, there may not be a 2020 election. The stakes are too high this time. I had to come forward. I had to speak out. If our interview and our releasing of the infamous Elevator Tape helps persuade one person to vote on Tuesday, November 6th who was planning to sit the midterms out, then the sacrifice of our privacy will be worth it.
[Ken] Monica, Chandler, thank you.
[Monica] Thanks, Ken.
[Chandler] Thanks, Kenny.
Fin.
I hope you've enjoyed our horror story. The scariest part? While our Halloween tale is hyperbole, it is not really an exaggerated portrayal of the behavior of the real-life Donald Trump and the fact that this behavior was not disqualifying for him to be elected to the most distinguished position in our government is a true indictment on our society and its erosion of decency. For two years now, we've been living in the aftermath of what Thomas Friedman aptly coined our Moral 9/11 and Election 2018 is our chance to Make America Good Again. One week from Tuesday, we need to make Lady Liberty the new face of the Me Too Movement and say #TimesUp on the deal with the devil that the Republican Party made in order to be in control of our government - their choice to be complicit in Donald Trump's assault on the moral fabric of the United States of America. Help make sure that their cynical, win-at-all-costs degradation of our values will not prevail in the end. Vote for a Blue Wave of decency on November 6th.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Monica and Chandler go on a weekend getaway to get a break from all of their sneaking around, Rachel's family dog LaPoo dies which causes her to start getting nose bleeds, Ross (temporarily set back by Rachel's nose bleeds) finally tells her that he has promised Emily to stop seeing her in order to get Emily to come to New York, Phoebe agrees to Rachel's plot to start a new group and decides to recruit Joey for it, Joey figures out that Chandler and Monica are hooking up and then promises them he won't tell anyone else, and Monica and Chandler get in a huge fight on their weekend getaway but then Monica explains to Chandler that couples in an adult relationship can work through a fight while indicating to him that she wants to make up followed by him indicating, "me too."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are in Monica's bedroom pretending to flip Monica's mattress but really attempting to wait out an expected fight between Ross and Rachel. Chandler is listening intently out into the living room through the door. Phoebe asks him, "Can you hear anything?" Chandler sarcastically responds, "Oh yes, somebody just said, 'Can you hear anything?'” Monica looks over across the room to see Joey bending over on the other side of her bed. She asks, "Hey, Joey's ass, what are you doing?" Joey raises back up holding a box that he pulled out from under the bed and reports, "Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here." Looking through the box, Monica says, "Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles…" Before she can finish, Phoebe interjects, "Ooh, Madlibs, mine!" She proceeds to snatch up the MadLibs. Glancing in the box, Chandler asks Joey, "Condoms?" Joey defensively explains, "You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth." [The Knockout] Using his interrogation technique as if it were a sharp blade, Chandler questions, "And condoms are the way to do that?"
Featured Image Source: Pikara Magazine
Headline Image Source: HuffPost
A Selfless Good Deed
Season 5, Episode 4
Friends S5:E4 - Hey there. Fancy seeing you here. How goes it, Friendsters? Good to be with you once again on this incogitable Monday afternoon. (That's right, I went with incogitable.) We have a fine post for you today. Maybe one of our finest posts ever. (The Conan O'Brien tribute that you just participated in was proudly [but unfortunately] brought to you by the abandonment of the hour-long format on Conan ?.) For starters, today's episode features a disagreement between Phoebe and Joey and, if you haven't been previously made aware, a Phoebe v. Joey argument is about as hilarious as beef between two of the main characters can get (Chandler v. Ross and Monica v. Rachel also come to mind). Speaking specifically to the Phoebe v. Joey face-off in today's episode, I think we all know who's to blame. Thanks a lot, PBS. Because of the trauma you inflicted on poor little grieving-the-death-of-her-mom Phoebe, we all have to bare witness to Joey insisting there is no such thing as a selfless good dead and Phoebe setting out to prove him wrong. On second though, thank you, PBS, for your negligence and abuse of childhood Phoebe. Her quest in pursuit of a selfless good dead is hilarious and quite a treat for us, the viewers. The second reason why we have a fine post today and maybe our finest post ever is because we have a piping hot, delicious age-continuity Gandalf Gaffe to feast upon later in the post. As many of you know, there are few things I find more appetizing than a well-seasoned, mouth watering age continuity Double G. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'm looking forward to that section of the post. Speaking of appetizing, I part ways with you today by moving right into the third and final reason why we have a fine post today and maybe our finest ever. If you know Friends 20/20 (and I think you do), you're probably already guessed the last juicy thing that makes this post fine. That's right, we also have a juicy Friends pop culture reference to discuss this week. Can't think of what it is? Let me point you towards another one of the most famous comedy shows to air on the very same network as Friends. That network? NBC. The other famous comedy show? Saturday Night Live. That's right, you got it now. The juiciness I speak of is none other than the Friends reference Seth Meyers pop cultured on the SNL stage during his monologue Saturday night. You will find the video embedded below. And that, boys and girls, is what you call a Fine Post Trifecta. You're welcome. I'll be there for you again next week. Until then.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe challenges Joey's motives for taking part in a PBS telethon, Joey (in turn) challenges Phoebe's motives for having her brother's triplets, Ross has to decide between cutting Rachel out of his life in order to stay married or keeping Rachel in his life and having to get divorced, Rachel catches Monica in a compromising seductive position in her room, Monica makes up a secret new boyfriend from work to explain away Rachel's embarrassing discovery, Chandler starts behaving obnoxiously when he finds out that Monica told Rachel her secret new boyfriend is the best sex she's ever had, and, when Phoebe feels good that her PBS contribution allowed Joey to get on television at the telethon, she is forced to concede once and for all that there is no such thing as a selfless good dead.
Gandalf Gaffes - G...G...Grab your mittens, girls and boys because it's cold outside and we have a doozy of a Double G to discuss today. As we have already started discovering previously in this section of the blog series, dealing with the FRIENDS character's ages and birthdays is one of the biggest continuity issues our dear writer's room consistently liked to serve up for us on the Gandalf Gaffe buffet. And, as we are coming to find out, Ross Geller's age and birthday is the most problematic of all six of our major characters. Today's gaffe continues to argue that case. While lamenting the choice that Emily has presented him (he stops seeing Rachel and she moves to New York or he doesn't stop seeing Rachel and they get divorced), Ross complains to Monica, Phoebe, and Chandler, "Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30." Wow, I'm not a scientist like Dr. Geller, but I'm pretty sure that the rules of the space-time continuum that apply to the rest of us also apply to Ross. I'm guessing that this event taking place before Ross turns 30 is a little...I don't no...IMPOSSIBLE. You see there is a funny thing called facts and one of them is that Ross established his age in The Pilot aka S1:E1 aka Grab a Spoon aka the very first episode of the show by complaining to Joey and Chandler, "I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!" So, despite Ross' age being established essentially from the jump, somehow, more than five years later, he still has not reached the age of 30? This is so not possible and I'm about to demonstrate why. In Friends S4:E5 aka I'm Gonna Head, Ross establishes his birthday month when he says in response to Gunther informing Rachel he's creating a list of people's birthdays, "Mine's December..." This means that two months after The Pilot, Ross turned from 26 to 27 years old which, referring back to that space-time continuum thingy, in turn means that in December 1997 Ross turned (ding ding ding ding ding...you guessed it) the big 3-0. Since today's episode takes place sometime between May 1998 and October 1998 (it's not exactly clear how many weeks after Ross's May 1997 wedding in London our story has advanced), there is no possible way that Ross could be complaining about a second divorce before the age of 30. Am I right? Or am I right? Or am I right? Since you all know how much age and birthday continuity issues really tend to stick in my craw, I'm ruling this a level three infraction.
Gandalf Gaffe #21: While seeking advise from Monica, Phoebe, and Chandler on his impending decision to stop seeing Rachel and stay married or keep seeing Rachel and get divorced, Ross complains about the prospect of being twice-divorced before the age of 30. Sorry, not possible, try again. S1:E1 establishes Ross's age as 26 and S4:E5 establishes his birthday month as December so the point in the series that Ross turned 30 was December 1997 which is clearly prior to the Emily marriage situation as it is playing out in 1998.
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are at Monica and Rachel's apartment eating breakfast when Joey enters wearing a tuxedo. He greets everyone saying, "Hey!" Noticing what Joey is wearing, Chandler freaks out declaring, "Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!" Joey responds, "Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned." Monica begins to inquire and then thinks better of it, asking, "Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe?" Joey answers excitedly, "Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host!" Monica reacts, "Oh that's great!" Joey continues, "A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!" Raining on his parade, Phoebe chimes in, "Ugh, PBS!" Curious, Monica asks, "What's wrong with PBS?" Annoyed, Phoebe responds, "Ugh, what's right with them?" Dutifully following up on Monica's original questions, Joey asks her, "Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?" Finally compelled to give the real answer, Phoebe replies, "Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back." [The Knockout] Like Batman breaking through the glass ceiling and parachuting down to confront the Joker, Chandler from out-of-nowhere defends PBS, arguing, " Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs."
Video Source: Saturday Night Live on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Official Miss Val
Headline GIF Source: Recap Guide
What About Gunther?
Season 5, Episode 2
Friends S5:E2 - It has been four long, hard years since she first walked into my life. Sure, when that happened she was a hot mess - drenched and wearing a wedding dress that she clearly didn't need to be wearing. Everyone else here in the coffee shop probably thought she looked crazy. But not me. I didn't care. She was an angel, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. Four long, excruciating years. Of course it was the biggest break of my life when she decided to come waitress here at Central Perk. But as amazing as it was to have her close by for eight hours a day, five days a week...it was also torture. It was like finding out there is a store that exclusively sells pink, purple, and yellow shirts only to discover when you try to shop there that not a single item in the store comes in your size. I mean, if she wasn't dating that Italian Fabio bozo then she was doing the "getting back together" thing with that tool Barry. But worst of all by far? That stupid, stupid doofus, Ross. God, I hate him. I could just smack the crunchy hair right off of his head. How on earth did she ever find HIM sexy? He's such a dweeb. I mean, he's not even close to being in the same league as me. I was Bryce on All My Children for Christ's sake. He plays with Dinosaurs for a living. DINOSAURS. Seriously, Geller? When the third grade teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, you do know you weren't legally obligated to follow through, right? And of course, while dating him, Ross convinced Rachel to quit her job at Central Perk. That one killed me. She was happy here and he just couldn't leave well enough alone. We could've worked together here for the next 40 years, but nooooooo...after getting involved with Ross, she got it in her head that coffee wasn't a glamorous enough career. Like fashion is better? Whatever. I will never forgive Ross for taking the 40 hours a week I spent with Rachel away from me. I mean, now that she's just a customer, she only spends about 33 hours a week hanging out at the Perk. That's seven hours a week and 28 hours a month less that I get to see my queen. Thanks a pant load, Tyrannosaurus Ross.
I still remember the day that my roommate at the time, Jasmine, told me that this moron had cheated on Rachel with Chloe from the copy shop. (YOU'VE GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST IDIOT ALIVE TO CHEAT ON THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.) I won't lie. Even though my plan didn't work out, I really, really got a lot of pleasure out of being the one to tell Rachel that Dinosaur Boy was stepping out. Oh, what was my plan? Yeah, my plan was that after I told Rachel about Ross cheating on her, she would be so distraught she would need to find comfort in the arms of a friend and former co-worker. I assumed that she would melt into my arms crying when I delivered the news and before you could say, "platinum blonde hair dye," tah-dah, we would become lovers. As you know, since we're sitting here today and I'm wearing my lament on my pink sleeve, that's not what happened. Instead, she just sulked over to a window seat and sat there in a daze until that weasel Ross came dashing into the shop asking me to lie for him. (WHAT. A. SNAKE.) Nonetheless, even though that wasn't Rachel's and my moment, at least the Rossasaurus was finally out of the picture. At that point, I thought I'd give my darling Rachel a little time to get over the trauma of being cheated on. But of course, just when I was plotting to finally ask her out, that frat bro, douchebag Mark from her fashion job got to her first. Lucky for me, that didn't last long. But after Mark, quicker than you can say "clean the cappuccino machine," (because Rachel and all of her "friends" hang out at the Perk everyday, all day), I caught wind of the rumor that Rachel was still in love with stupid Ross, even though he was engaged to some British twit named Emily. As much as I hated the idea of Rachel still being in love with my arch enemy, at least Ross was engaged to someone else. Suffice it to say, I was a BIG fan of the Ross and Emily relationship. I won't lie, at the time I was hoping that that Emily was doing the kinds of things to him in bed that would make him marry her fast and never, ever look back again to what he had with Rachel.
As you can imagine, I was really nervous last week when Phoebe told me that Rachel had flown to England to try to ruin the wedding by informing Ross she was still in love with him. When Chandler and Joey got back and told me that Rachel was in Barbados on Ross's honeymoon, I nearly had a heart attack. Luckily, later that day, Monica clarified that Rachel was there but Ross wasn't because he actually married Emily. So why, then, was Rachel in Barbados instead of Ross and Emily? She also said that Ross accidentally said Rachel's name during the service. (WHAT. A. BONEHEAD. Although, in fairness, I can't really blame him for that one. I've practiced saying my "I do's" to Rachel in the mirror several hundred times since I first met her.) At this point, I was relieved to hear that Ross followed through on marrying Emily but, at the same time, I was a little worried that that Ross / Rachel door was still slightly cracked open by the accidental name incident. At any rate, Rachel returned yesterday from her trip to Barbados and, while sitting here at the Perk, she wisely decided that she needed to move on from Ross. She FINALLY said she was ready to date someone else. HALLELUJAH! Wait, it gets better. By the grace of God, Monica got involved and asked, "What about Gunther?" Those magical words. My heart almost leaped into my throat. My moment had finally arrived. I listened intently from behind the bar as Rachel started responding, "Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda…" I SWEAR TO GOD she was about to say, "cute" when Ross's annoying sister cut her off and pointed to that male-model-looking-type dude Dave that is a frequent customer here, saying, "Oh, what about that guy over there? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time." Monica went on to convince her to go and talk to him and before you know it, she had asked Dave out on a date. I died a thousand deaths. I also marched over to that ass-munch Dave with the "we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone" sign and kicked that fool to the curb, LOL. As good as that felt, it didn't make up for how close Monica had come to making my life perfect before subsequently stomping on my heat. Monica giveth and Monica taketh away. Now, once again, I am forced to wait as Rachel dates Dave (or figure out a way to sabotage her new relationship). And if that is what I must do, that is what I must do. One day Rachel will be mind. Oh yes, one day she will be mine. Four long, painstakingly horrific years. Damn the Gellers. Damn the Gellers to hell.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Rachel admits that she thinks Gunther is cute, Phoebe is frustrated that the rest of the gang have all of these shared "insider" memories of their trip to London that she wasn't a part of because she was too pregnant to travel to Ross's wedding, Chandler pretends to have picked up a new, European farewell kiss when he accidentally kisses Monica in front of Rachel and Phoebe, Monica is elated when Rachel puts her in charge of making her decisions for her, Joey goes out in search of Boddington's - a London beer- in NYC, Ross attempts to send Emily 72 long-stemmed red roses to make up for the fact that he said Rachel's name at the wedding and then invited her on their honeymoon, and Rachel moves quickly past her attraction to Gunther to allow Monica to direct her to ask out Dave instead which in turn begs the question, "what about Gunther?"
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The gang has just left Monica and Rachel's apartment to go to the hospital because Phoebe's water broke. Everyone else has already gone downstairs but Monica and Chandler decide to linger behind in the hallway to get some alone time. Monica says to Chandler, "I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!" Chandler responds, "I know, it's beautiful. Amazing." They proceed to kiss in celebration of the exciting moment. After the kiss, Chandler offers, "Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room." [The Knockout] Continuing with a gleam in his eye like he's just discovered evidence of life on another planet, Chandler proposes, "I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex."
Featured Image Source: We Heart It
Headline Image Source: Unbelievable Facts
Red Ross
Season 4, Episode 15
Friends S4:E15 - Howdy, FRIENDS NATION. How is everyone feeling this fine Monday evening? To put it another way... what's good with it? A lot has happened since our last convening. Sadly, right in the middle of our break (and on Valentine's Day, of all days) there was another school shooting. My heart goes out the families and friends of the victims. That being said, it is maddening to me how many times we've had to discuss this topic in the three and a half years of our Friends 20/20 run. As frustrating as it's been to have this happen over and over again while our elected officials continue to obstinately do nothing to intervene other than offer "thoughts and prayers," this time genuinely does feel different. Right? The reason that things feel different this time is the remarkable students of Stoneman Douglas High School. These students are demonstrating how we the people are the solution to our broken democracy. I’m inspired by their poise under the weight of unspeakable grief. I’m inspired by their fearless push for change. And I believe that they will win. I mean, while our president (the very same president, mind you, who dodged Vietnam because his feet hurt) is making asinine statements today about how he would have gone in and stopped the gunman, these Stoneman Douglas students are showing REAL leadership. They are demonstrating that our elected officials work for us and if they continue to refuse to do their jobs, the #NeverAgain movement will gladly find someone who will to replace them during Election 2018. My favorite thing today? Emma Gonzales now has more Twitter followers than the NRA. You like apples, Wayne LaPierre? How you like dem apples? Keep it up, students of Stoneman Douglas! Our future is bright because our future is you.
Moving into today's episode (these are hard transitions to make on weeks like this but the show must go on), I'm happy to report that we've got quite a humdinger. There is so much at play in this jam-packed episode. Take Monica's storyline, for example. From taking time to soak in the variety of Monica's childlike drawings that she made to cover holes in the wall to noticing the choice work of fiction, Like a Hole in the Head by Jen Banbury, that Monica is reading when Rachel comes home and discovers Monica's art collection...um, I mean art diversion, it's clear that our most neurotic Geller is giving us plenty to unpack. Not to be outdone, Chandler super-sizes the hilarity by running into Janice, getting back together with her, realizing that he can't stand her again, and faking a move to Yemen (of all places) in an effort to rid himself of her without having to break up with her again. This is classic Chan Man comedy. Last but certainly not least is our other favorite Geller revealing to the world his alter ego, Red Ross. Not only is Ross turning into a super hero so intoxicating he could give Black Panther a run for his money at the box office right now, but it also triggers a Gandalf Gaffe of epic proportions.I encourage you to keep reading to find out more about today's Double G but alas, we have come to the point in class that all of you have been dreading and some of you have hoping I would have forgotten all about coming off of our two-week break. Sorry, girls and boys. This Friends 20/20 instructor didn't start blogging yesterday. Please pass your homework to the front. Remember, I warned you that in exchange for getting out of class early on February 5th, I expected a thorough defense of your choices for the Top Ten Greatest Actors Who Made a FRIENDS Cameo. These submissions will be graded with the highest of scrutiny, so good luck to all. And now that all of the homework papers have been collected, and since the Academy Awards are next Sunday, I will leave you today by allowing you to view my instructor's key for the homework assignment and the criteria that I used to make my very own Top Ten list. You will find my list immediately below this text and as you can see, individual achievement at the Academy Awards factored very heavily into how I came up with my list of the greatest actors to make a cameo on FRIENDS. So there you have it, my Friends 20/20 fam. We're off again for two more weeks. Enjoy the break and enjoy the Oscars. More importantly, support the heroic efforts of the Stoneman Douglas students and mark your calendar to make your voice heard on March 24th by attending the March for Our Lives event in your community. Late.
Top Ten Greatest Actors Who Made a FRIENDS Cameo
1) Susan Sarandon: 1996 Academy Award Winner, Best Actress in a Leading Role for Dead Man Walking, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1982, 1992, 1993, 1995)
2) Julia Roberts: 2001 Academy Award Winner, Best Actress in a Leading Role for Erin Brockovich, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1990), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Supporting Role (1990, 2014)
3) Charleton Heston:1960 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Leading Role for Ben-Hur
4) George Clooney: 2006 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Syriana, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (2008, 2010, 2012)
5) Robin Williams: 1998 Academy Award Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Good Will Hunting, Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (1988, 1990, 1992)
6) Brad Pitt: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Leading Role (2009, 2012), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Supporting Role (1996)
7) Wynona Ryder: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role (1995), Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress in a Supporting Role (1994)
8) Elliot Gould: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor in a Supporting Role (1970)
9) Danny DeVito: 1980 Golden Globe Winner, Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Television Series for Taxi, Golden Globe Nominee (1979, 1981, 1982, 1987, 1988)
10) Bruce Willis: 1987 Golden Globe Winner, Best Actor - Television Series for Moonlighting, Golden Globe Nominee (1986, 1988, 1990)
Honorable Mention) Michael Rapaport: Mailman with Tax Notice (uncredited), Next Friday
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross agrees to play rugby with some of Emily's mates from back home in England, Monica puts numerous holes in the wall of her and Rachel's new apartment when she can't figure out what a light switch does, Chandler gets back together with Janus but immediately decides to break up with her by pretending to move to Yemen, Rachel gets angry with Monica for obsessing about the light switch, Joey and Phoebe go to support Ross in his rugby match, and Ross is able to inflict some serious damage on his more experienced rugby competitors by turning into Red Ross.
Gandalf Gaffes - Heyo! We're back with another Double G for you to digest. (Cue Biggie voice: Uh...and another one.) Today's gaffe comes straight outta the mouth of our hero, Red Ross. While preparing for his rugby match, Ross is contemplating how he is going to summon the necessary aggression to compete with his more seasoned opponents. What dawns on him is to reference something so egregiously gaffey, it sets up to be a stratospheric penalty. In order to summon the necessary aggression he needs to compete with his more seasoned opponents, Ross tells Joey he needs to transform into his alter ego, the aforementioned Red Ross. When Joey can't remember what he's talking about, Ross says, "Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!" Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen...THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. You see, Dances With Wolves was released and in theaters in 1990. Why, you ask, is that important? Well, my young padawans, Friends S3:E6, The One With The Flashback establishes that Ross and Joey first met one year before the beginning of the series when Joey moved in to be Chandler's roommate. Since we know that the beginning of FRIENDS takes place in 1994, we can say with certainty that the earliest Ross and Joey met was sometime in 1993 therefore it is impossible that thee first time that Ross transformed into Red Ross would have been while they were standing in line together to watch Dances With Wolves in 1990. Game. Set. Match. Considering that it is astronomically unlikely that this gaffe could reasonably be explained away by arguing that, in fact, it took place after 1993 because they were at a theatrical re-release of DWW within five years of its first release, I'm ruling that this is a level three infraction. Calm down, Red Ross. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Gandalf Gaffe #18: While getting ready for his rugby match, Ross suggests the establishment of Red Ross as being "the time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it." However, Dances With Wolves was released and in theaters in 1990. Therefore, it would have been impossible for Ross, Joey, and the gang to be standing in line waiting to see it when it was clearly established in Friends S3:E6, The One With The Flashback that Joey and Ross first met in 1993 (when Joey first moved in to be Chandler's roommate).
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Chandler and Janice are at Central Perk where Chandler is about to attempt his "preemptive strike" break up. It is apparent Janice has put Chandler on edge with her annoying habits when after she observes, "oh boy, I just love to sing," Chandler responds, "Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River." Ignoring him in a laughable state of obliviousness, Janice continues, "Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails." (She immediately backs this statement up with her annoying laugh.) Horrified, Chandler responds, "Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship." Cutting him off, Janice interjects, "I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!" Powering right through the interruption, Chandler continues, "Right! I just think that this is happening too soon." Equally undeterred, Janice responds, "Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time." Thinking on his feet, Chandler shifts the trajectory of the conversation by saying, "I hear ya. But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!" Both surprised and intrigued by the prospect, Janice responds, "Oh no! Where to? Too Paris?" Sensing her excitement about Paris, Chandler answers, "No! No! Not, Paris" Janice continues quizzing him, "Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?" Knowing he needs to think of somewhere less exotic and not being able to think over her incessant questions, Chandler says, "Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!" Finally looking disappointed in the way that Chandler was hoping for, Janice asks, "When?" Letting his guard down momentarily following the W, Chandler answers, "I don’t know exactly." Lifted by a glimmer of hope, Janice informs him, "Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes." [The Knockout] Back on high alert and hoping to nip this in the bud once and for all, Chandler tells her, "But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow."
Featured Image Source: Screen Rant
Headline Image Source: Thrash Geek on Pinterest
Glow Pop Jiggly Jam
Season 4, Episode 14
Friends S4:E14 - What is good, Friendsters? Philly friends, how you living today? What's that? Oh snap. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles! Fly Eagles fly! Woot woot! Yas, yas, YAS. Congratulations are in order to all of my Philly peeps out there in Friends 20/20 land. It's been a long time coming. You really, really deserve this...so enjoy it. I'd say do it big just don't tear down your own city but checking out media reports this morning, it's way past too late for me to be giving that advise. Philly got turnt up to eleven last night and by the looks of it, the party is still going strong this fine Monday afternoon. Whatever you do though...please, please, please don't damage the Liberty Bell. It would be an awful shame if somehow one of the Crown Jewels of American history got damaged with God forbid a crack. See, Illadelphia...your boy's got jokes. Granted, corny ones but you don't care because you're on Cloud Nine and everything seems awesome when you've just won a championship. Unfortunately, even eating horse manure. So, once again, congratulations, Philly. Now take those horse turds out of your mouths and quit distracting us. The rest of us have work to do.
On that note, we have a major cameo alert in today's episode. That's right, legendary actor (and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention...also controversial NRA spokesperson) Charlton Heston was in the house to do a scene with our own beloved resident actor, Joey Tribianni. The late star of such classic movies as Ben Hur and The Ten Commandments made his Friends cameo roughly ten years before his death at age 84 in 2008 (and therefore roughly 20 years ago). In creating a list of greatest actors to ever make a cameo on Friends, Heston has probably got to be pretty high on the list (if not the top). Others that come to mind right off of the top of my head are Julia Roberts, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, Susan Sarandon, George Clooney, and Michael Rapaport. (Don't sleep on my boy, Mikey Rap... HE'S A BEAST!) All jokes aside, this would be an interesting homework assignment: Rank the Top Ten Greatest Actors to Ever Make a Cameo on FRIENDS. In fact, (no I shouldn't) (yes, yes I should!) how's about we blow off the rest of class today and take advantage of the fact that we have a two-week break coming and in exchange for getting out of here early, you come back ready to submit and discuss your Top Ten cameo list on February 26th? If we adjourn early...no excuses. I expect that with the extra time to think it through, everyone will show up in two weeks ready to present and defend their choices. So there you have it class. How do you like that for a rope-a-dope mail-in special? We are officially adjourned. Have a fantastic break and for God's sake someone give our Philly friends some napkins. 💩💩💩💩
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Joey shows up on set for a movie with Charlton Heston reeking because he didn't shower after going on a three day fishing trip, Chandler achieves Phase Two (getting drunk and going to a strip club) of getting over his and Kathy's break up when Joey and Ross aren't available so the gals convince him to let them take him to a strip club, Rachel pawns a night at the opera with her bosses' niece off on Ross in order to go to Joshua's club opening instead, Ross hits it off with Emily (Rachel's bosses' niece) and ends of galavanting off to a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont with her, Monica puts dollar bills in strippers' g-strings, Phoebe gets her morning sickness at night, and Joey gets a stern pep talk / lecture from Charlton Heston about how every actor thinks they stink at one time or another but that's never, ever an excuse to bust into his dressing room and take a shower no matter how many days that actor has been out on the water fishing with a glow pop jiggly jam.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler have just returned to Chandler and Joey's apartment from the strip club and Chandler is feeling defeated about achieving Phase Three in getting over his and Kathy's break up. He informs the others, "All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on." Phoebe responds by pleading with him, "Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, ya know what? You were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls." Hearing her out, Chandler responds, "Yeah." Phoebe continues, "And do you know what girls are really good at?" Chandler guesses, "Stripping!" Phoebe patiently corrects him, "No, listening! Sit. Ya know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk." Rachel takes the opportunity to interject by questioning, "Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there?" as she pats his chest. Monica also weighs in with, "Yeah. And you know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too." Hearing enough, Chandler sarcastically informs his friends, "Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave." Monica responds by pleading, "Come on! Chandler!" Holding firm, he responds, "Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them." Somehow getting sidetracked by Chandler's point, Monica agrees, "They really were pretty, weren’t they?" Rachel and Phoebe nod their approval and then Phoebe offers up, "Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one." Monica responds, "Oh, Candy? She was so spunky!" Phoebe agrees, "Yeah." Monica continues, "Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman it’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite." This causes Chandler to perk up before Rachel counters, "See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal." Pleased by the reminder, Monica acknowledges, "Oh, Chantal!" This conversations now has Chandler's undivided attention. Rachel continues, "Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…" Chandler jumps up and interrupts Rachel mid-sentence exclaiming, "Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!" Perplexed, Monica asks, "Really?" Chandler affirms, "I am totally picturing you with all those women!" Monica counters, "That’s-that’s not Phase Three." Chandler explains, "Well, I’m there too!" Rachel asks, "Well, are we all together? Like in a group?" Uncontrollably excited, Chandler exclaims, "Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!" Visibly amused by Chandler's behavior, Phoebe asks, "Oh! What is that? What is that?" [The Knockout] Like a the human personification of an orgasm waiting to happen, Chandler answers, "Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!"
Hot and Heavy
Season 4, Episode 13
Friends S4:E13 - You say you want a piece of me? Well Baby, take a big bite. Oh, hey. Sorry, I didn't see you come in, girls and boys. I was, umm...yeah. I was just singing a little Pantera which is kind of weird because I don't really listen to Pantera. (It's almost as if I have an ulterior motive for singing 80's glam medal?) Anywho...how's it going this prodigious Monday afternoon, mis amigos? I hope everyone had a splendid week off last week. I know I sure did. I used the reprieve from the blog series last Monday as an opportunity to work on other projects. What? No, Johnny, I didn't jet off to a resort. I stayed on my grind. No, Johnny, not like the president. Ha ha, I get it. The president always jets off to a resort to stay on his grind. Touché, Johnny, touché. Anyway, yeah...rather than use my week off to find a beach, I used it to be a productive pop culture writer for theLeftAhead. Keep your eyes glued to the site over the coming weeks and you might figure out what I've been up to. Then again, maybe you won't.
So, now that Johnny has gotten in his crack of the day, with our time today class, I want to talk about the frustrating turn the Chandler and Kathy storyline took in this episode. When last we left them, Chathy were cruising down Love Bird Highway heading towards a destination of Happily Ever After. Or so we thought. After all that Chandler put his friendship with Joey through in order to be with Kathy in the first place, could the way things play out between the two lovers in this episode be any more ridiculous? Man, this was frustrating to watch all those years ago and remains frustrating to watch over and over again in the Friends Vortex to this very day. Come on, Chan Man. You're really going to get insanely jealous over what your girlfriend does in a play? We're talking about acting here, bro. I mean, seriously. We're talking about acting. Hey, don't you go nodding your head in agreement with me over there, Kathy. Sure, Chandler got irrationally jealous but really? You're going to get in a fight with your boyfriend where he accuses you of cheating with your co-star and then immediately turn around and do exactly what he was accusing you of? REALLY? I understand that you're both upset but if anybody has the right to be upset, it's Joey. I mean, he almost lost his best friend over the two of you having this magical connection only to find out that the antidote to the magical connection was the next actor to come along? Like, literally five episodes later? I mean, Joey has cartons of milk that Chandler has left in his refrigerator that he's had longer relationships with, for Pete's sake (and when I say Pete...yes, I mean wannabe Ultimate Fighting Champion Pete Becker). I mean, seriously. Joey's acting career has more stability than the Kathandler relationship. Sorry, Joey. Also...sorry, Joey. Just know that the audience is with you on this one. Clearly, the thinking that Chandler did in the box during Thanksgiving wasn't as good as we originally thought.
On that note, I'm going to dismiss you all a little early today, class. Studies indicate that it's extremely hard to learn when your teacher is angry and I'm clearly not going to get over this Chandler and Kathy fiasco quickly enough to get any more production out of the day. Also, did I mention at the top that I'm a little under the weather? I caught a cold last week when a winter storm found its way to Colorado's Front Range. While I'm pretty sure it's not the flu (thank goodness), a little extra rest this afternoon couldn't hurt, right? So, enjoy the rest of your day and week. I'll see you bright and early next Monday when hopefully the streets of Philly will be LIT AF but more likely, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will once again be celebrating with a nice, quite brunch among friends at the offices of the National Football League Referees Association. Be well and Fly Eagles Fly!
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Chandler gets irrationally jealous about Kathy simulating sex in a play with a really attractive guy named Nick and uses a "hot and heavy" test to try to determine if she's cheating on him, Ross serves as Chandler's support system by repeatedly going with him to watch his girlfriend simulate sex in a play, Rachel meets and develops a crush on a Bloomingdales client named Joshua (after initially being frustrated with being stuck in the Personal Shopping department after her department was eliminated), Joey makes pancakes and adjusts to his new role hosting the gang in his new apartment, Monica becomes frustrated that she's no longer the hostess, Phoebe asks to use Monica's old high school clothes as maternity clothes, and Chandler confronts Kathy about Nick which causes a fight that eventually leads to Kathy cheating on him with Nick and effectively ending the debate over testing what it means to be "hot and heavy" on stage.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe and Joey are chilling at Central Perk when Ross and Chandler arrive from watching Kathy's play. They all exchange heys before Phoebe asks, "Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?" Ross responds, "Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy." [The Knockout] An exacerbated Chandler follows up by revealing, "Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!"
Featured Image Source: Blurb
Headline Image Source: Recap Guide
That's Not Even a Word
Season 4, Episode 12
Friends S4:E12 - Happy and hopeful MLK Day, Friendinistas! I hope Week 52 of The Resistance finds you well. While it's been a tough year in many ways, our efforts to speak truth to power have yielded some incredible victories and our defense of democracy in the face of the onslaught against it has held true so far. I often joke in this column about only working one day a week or 24 days a year. Of course, this ongoing gimmick is said in jest because the truth of the matter is that me, my editor Ted James, and everyone that works at theLeftAhead (yes, even theLeftAhead Bot), we're all activists first and writers second. For the last 365 days we have been on the front lines of the struggle fighting every single last day until we're too tired to fight. When and only when we're too tired to fight, then we write. While we all love theLeftAhead, we all also firmly believe that the site must always take a backseat to interacting with our communities because movements are built in the real world, not behind a computer screen. I know Ted and I both wish we could've put up more political content on the site over these past twelve months but we know that writing about how to #resist should always take a back seat to being out in the world having face-to-face conversations that move people into action. One thing we are not here at theLeftAhead is keyboard activists. On the contrary, we are street fighters.
If you remember in the shocking aftermath of Trump's improbable election to the presidency, we discussed cancelling Friends 20/20 so that it would free up more of my time as a writer and Ted's time as an editor to instead publish sober political content. We questioned whether this Friends 20/20 pursuit was in fact trivial given the monumental challenges ahead. In the end, we decided (and I still believe rightly so) that one of the purest forms of protest and best ways to mount a resistance was to continue to be exactly who we are. In other words, if we had changed in reaction to the fear, we'd have already lost. So, while the times might seem to call for more serious content, the times certainly call for resistance and part of it is staying true to yourself and part of that for us is continuing to follow our projects through to completion. To sum up, I'm really, really proud. I'm really proud not only that we are here for another MLK Day celebration but also that we are here using the Friends 20/20 series as our vehicle for another MLK Day celebration. Furthermore, I'm really proud that we can say that we spent the year fighting, and yes we're exhausted, but we are still here being who we are. You've been there for me and I've been there for you too. Thank you and solidarity forever.
On that determined note, let's transition into today's episode. I know. In our MLK Day posts in years past, I've generally kept the focus social justice and living in the moment. But as fate would have it this year, we just so happen to be covering one of my Top Five Friends Episodes of All-Time. I'd be remiss if I didn't give this classic episode a proper breakdown so here we go. So I don't know about you, but I just think that watching Monica and Rachel lose their apartment to Chandler and Joey is simply a hoot. I always have. I love everything about it. The who knows who better than whom challenge. The guess the grocery items in the bag bet. The double down on the guess the grocery items in the bag bet. The Ross Geller conceived game show questions. The tripling and quadrupling down on guess the grocery items in the bag bet prior to the lightening round. The lighting round. The scream Monica lets out when she realizes her and Rachel have lost their apartment. Monica and Rachel's stages of mourning the loss of their apartment. The denial. The blame game. Finally, the acceptance. Then the watching Chandler and Joey move in. This episode is everything that is warm, and fun, and silly about Friends that makes us love it so much. I mean, Ms. Chanandolor Bong. Does television get any funnier? On second thought, my commentary can't and will never do this episode justice. Do yourselves a favor and go back and watch it again tonight. That is your homework assignment. I challenge you to go back, watch it again, and see if you can try to make it through without laughing out loud at least once. Spoiler alert: you won't. Bravo, bravo, bravo, David Crane, Marta Kauffman, Jill Condon, and Amy Toomin. You wrote one hell of an episode with this gem. Your writing is spectacumazing...and (say it with me) that's not even a word.
Now, quickly, let's get back to the moment that we're living in in 2018. I'm really proud of the blog posts I've written for MLK Days past so I want to leave you today, as I did last year, with a quote. If you remember, last year's holiday was a mere four days before the start of the Trump presidency. I quoted the great reverend, Dr. King, when he said, "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." I don't know about you but those words carried me for a while after ruminating on them last MLK Day. So, in the spirit of replicating that blessing, again, now one year into the Trump presidency, I leave you to chew on more words of wisdom from the revolutionary social justice martyr:
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Onward. To the recap and then the second year of the struggle that awaits.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Ross creates a game board to emcee and referee a contest between Monica & Rachel and Chandler & Joey to determine whether the girls know the guys better or vice versa, Rachel wants the guys to get rid of the chick and the duck, Joey knows Rachel's cycle, Chandler claims he majored in Lightning Round, Monica bets her and Rachel's apartment on the contest against the guys getting rid of the chick and the duck, Phoebe finds out she's pregnant with her brother's baby, and Joey and Chandler win Monica and Rachel's apartment when Rachel guesses Chandler Bing's job is transpondster and Monica points out, "that's not even a word."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] The opening scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment as you can hear a rooster crowing for sunrise. Monica and Rachel come stumbling out of there bedrooms disheveled and half-asleep. Visibly annoyed, Rachel turns to Monica and asks, "What the hell is that? Is that you?" Monica nods her head no so Rachel turned towards the front door and declares, "Ohhhhhhh!" She immediately starts marching across the hall over the Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica follows and foolishly comments, "Boy, you are really not a morning person." Rachel gives her a death stare while responding, "Back off!" She then turns back to Chandler and Joey's door and starts banging while yelling, "Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!" Chandler and Joey, equally disheveled and also half-asleep, open their door and stare out alarmed at Rachel and Monica in the hall. Rachel asks, "What is that noise?" [The Knockout] Chandler responds matter-of-factly but a sprinkle of annoyance, "You."
Erotiery
Season 4, Episode 11
Friends S4:E11 - Happy New Year, Mercedes Friends! I hope 2018 has been good to you all thus far. I can't believe we're already eight days into our fifth calendar year together. This first week of the twentieth anniversary of 1998 flew by. On the other hand, I can't believe that we're only eight days into 2018 and I'm already back to work. It kind of feels like we got shorted on our holiday break during this trip around the sun. It feels like days...not weeks ago that we were saying our goodbyes for 2017. I mean, come on...I've still got "Please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy" stuck in my head for Pete's sake. But, don't cry for me, Argentina. Working 26 days a year is tough but, alas, it had to start sometime and you, the readers, deserve a pop culture with a world-class work ethic and so I'm here (a mere eight days into the year) to deliver the goods that you need and deserve. So buckle up, girls and boys. We're 35 percent of the way through our Friends doctoral program it's time to rev this fine-tuned machine back into high gear and embark on the next semester (five percent) of our journey. All aboard! In this blog series, we leave no man, woman, child, or chef behind. Nobody is eating by themselves in the alley in our restaurant.When last we left our pals, Chandler was in a pretty good place. He had managed to have his cake and eat it too by getting to finally date Kathy without ruining his friendship with Joey. However, in today's episode it's revealed that not everything is sharp quips and Apple laptops in Chandlerland. Much like the (no spoilers) shadow of Darth Vader as Kilo Ren's grandfather looms large in the newest Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi, the shadow of Joey Tribianni as Kathy's previous lover looms large for Chandler in today's storyline. He reveals to Monica, Rachel and Ross that as well as things are going for him and Kathy, he hasn't actually had sex with her yet because he's intimidated by Joey's sexual prowess and his fear of not being able to live up to it. When Monica questions whether or not Joey is actually that good in bed, Chandler reminds her, "We share a wall! So either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot." After his friends convince him to just have sex with her and then she doesn't "agree" with him as much as she did with Joey, Chandler enlists Monica's help in teaching him how to deliver maximum pleasure to a woman. In one of the most infamous and hilarious scenes of the season, Monica proceeds to teach Chandler about the seven erogenous zones and role play with him a series of moves he can make to please Kathy. The role playing leaves Monica, Rachel and Chandler all hot and bothered when Monica climaxes with the word, "SEVEN!" (See Headline GIF.) Added bonus: we discover that Rachel is into toes. Kinky.
While diving heavily into Chandler's sex life is quite entertaining, the most significant development this week is Phoebe's decision to carry Frank and Alice's child as their surrogate. While mulling over such a life-altering decision, the gang convinces Phoebe to seek advice from someone who has given birth (none of our female mainstays have yet to get pregnant) so she goes to talk to her birth mom about it. Phoebe, Sr. cautions Phoebe, Jr. against going through with it because she believes that it will be too hard for our Phoebe to give up the baby after the birth. Added bonus for elder Phebes...our Phebes coins the term EROTIERY to label her birth mom's erotic pottery. But that's neither here nor there. In the end, Phoebe decides to agree to carry Frank and Alice's child which sets up a storyline that will see its way through the rest of Season Four. So now, girls and boys, with our table set for the rest of the spring...it's time to settle in for a nice, smooth ride. Much like Tom Cochrane's life, Friends is a highway. I wanna ride it all night long. And I'll be riding for you. Because you ride for me too. It's great to be bizzack.
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe is asked by Frank and Alice to carry their baby to term, Ross gets Joey a job as a tour guide at his museum and then snubs him in the lunch room, Joey shows Ross the error of his ways, Chandler is nervous about sleeping with Kathy because he's scared he won't be able to perform like Joey, Monica teaches Chandler about the seven erogenous zones, Rachel reveals that she's weirdly into toes, and Phoebe brushes aside her birth mother's advice and instead agrees to carrying Frank and Alice's baby while also offering to let them have a puppy belonging to Phoebe Sr. aka The One Who Does Erotiery.
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Phoebe is entering Monica and Rachel's apartment to inform the gang of important news. After exchanging "heys" she reports, "Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!" Everybody reacts with a version of "Oh my God." Phoebe continues, "And! And, they’re gonna have a baby!" Seeing no interruption from her stunned audience, she keeps going, "And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus." Ross breaks the gang's shock-provoked silence by exclaiming, "My God!" Monica follows by asking, "Are you serious?" Phoebe responds, "Yeah." Joey (being Joey) then seeks clarification by inquiring, "You’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?" Understandably weirded out, Phoebe responds, " Ewww! And Oh no! It’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. It’s her-it’s her egg and his sperm, and I’m-I’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun." Joey indicates that he's trying to follow by saying, "Huh." Moving the conversation along, Monica asks, "What did you tell them?" Phoebe answers, "Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give." [The Knockout] After having held his tongue thus far, Chandler takes the opportunity at this point to swoop in with, "You’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?"
Featured Image Source: Georg Burwick on Flickr
Headline GIF Source: SheKnows
Christmas Will Be Snowy
Season 4, Episode 10
Friends S4:E10 - 'Tis the season, Budolph the Friend-nosed Reindeers! How is everyone doing this fine December Monday? If you haven't noticed, I'm in quite the festive mood. Not only 'tis it the season, 'tis also our last convening in the Year Of Our Lord 2017. And what a crazy, whirlwind year it's been. We've organized a Friendinistas resistance to the presidency of Donald J. Trump, fought our way through the break up of Ross and Rachel, delved repeatedly into fan fiction, found out that one of your fellow classmates, Johnny (wake up, Johnny...I'm talking about you) is a bonafide, albeit gifted, psycho-path, and most importantly (and I cannot not stress the most importantly enough)...we've gotten through another year where I've managed to avoid getting fired while putting forth the least amount of effort possible and spending forty percent of my time on a beach (my life rules). So, yes, my little elves, given that I can basically get away with murder at theLeftAhead offices and still keep my job...you guessed it. YOUR. HOLIDAY. GIFT. THIS. YEAR. IS. THAT. THIS. POST. WILL. BE. A WORLD-CLASS. MAIL-IT-IN. EXTRAVAGANZA.YOU. ARE. WELCOME.
And given that we've all agreed to end class a tad bit early today, the only thing I want to discuss is Phoebe's holiday song. Please open your Phoebe Buffay Hymnal to page 38 and let's begin with a D note in C minor. Yes, my reasons for wanting to discuss Phoebe's holiday song are threefold. 1) It just wouldn't be the holiday season without a full-blown revisiting of this paradigmn-shifting masterpiece 2) We have a very decent chance in my neck of the woods at a White Christmas this year and 3) let's be honest, having an embedded video of Phoebe's Holiday Song with accompanying lyrics does a lot of the heavy lifting that will allow me to (say it again with me class) MAIL. THIS. POST. IN.
Regarding point number one, I love Phoebe's Holiday Song. My wife and I sing along every single time this episode plays (which is often, since we navigate our way through existence by living in the Friends Vortex). In fact, this time of year, we often find ourselves singing Phoebe's Holiday Song even when we're not watching Friends. It is simply that good. Along with Alanis Morisette Zack De La Rocha, Kurt Cobain, Christopher Wallace, and Tupac Shakur, Buffay proves with this gem that she was one of the top song writers of the 1990's.
Regarding point number two, every time I hear Phoebe sing the line, "Please tell Joey Christmas will be snowwwwwy," I find myself yearning for it to be snowy wherever I'm celebrating Christmas. Being a native Texan, this wish was often a pipe dream. However, now that I live in Denver, Colorado...the proposition has improved to forty -sixty. Looking ahead at the weather report, it appears this year that my wish may in fact be granted considering that we have snow storms this Wednesday and Saturday on our ten-day forecast. If temperatures remain cold enough throughout the week, I may be toasting Phoebe Buffay and Joey Tribianni this time next Monday for making my White Christmas dreams come true.
REGARDING. POINT. NUMBER. THREE. Peace out, Friends 20/20 Nation! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! And a Happy New Year! SEE. YA. IN. 2018.
LATE.
Phoebe's Holiday Song
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap
Said all you need is to write them a song
Now you haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along
No don't sing along…
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowwwwwy
And Rachel and Chandler, Ha ah ha ah handler!
Written December 1997 in New York, New York
Recap in the Key of Phoebe - This is the one where Phoebe is working through the lyrics of a holiday song that she's writing for her Friends, Monica is being hazed at work so she comes up with a scheme to hire and fire Joey in order to assert her authority, Rachel is bummed to be alone during the holiday season so Chandler offers to set her up for a fling with a guy from his work, Ross dates two women (one he really likes that lives in Poughkeepsie and one that he's lukewarm on but lives uptown), and Phoebe performs the final version of her song at Central Perk and receives roaring applause since her lyrics informed Joey that "Christmas will be snowy."
Gandalf Gaffes - None. Flawless episode!
Chan Man Quip of the Week - [The Setup] Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are at Central Perk and Rachel is complaining about being alone for the holiday season and wishing she were with somebody. She informs the others, "I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great." Surprised, Chandler responds by asking, "Really? I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling." Rachel answers, "Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung." Joey interjects, "Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas." Trying to be helpful, Chandler asked Rachel, "Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?" Rachel answers, "Yeah," then proceeds to ask him, "Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before?" In a rare moment of brutal honesty, Chandler reveals, "Well, I have a girlfriend. I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy." Moving right past that, Rachels says, "Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs." [The Knockout] Chandler, visibly amused, asks Rachel, "Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?"
Video Source: Comedy Central UK on YouTube
Featured Image Source: Lizard Media
Headline Image Source: DoubleMesh