Kidney Stones

Written on:October 8, 2018
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Friends S5:E3 – Aaay!!!! What’s good, Mercedes Friends? Welcome, welcome, welcome to the 97th POST IN THE FRIENDS 20/20 BLOG SERIES!!!! WE. DID. IT. WE MADE IT TO 97!!!! HURRAY!!!! Wait, why is this significant? That’s a great question, class. I’m glad you asked and I will answer vis-à-vis the following: since three of our 97 posts were written for double-episodes, it just so happens that today we are writing about The One Hundredth episode of FRIENDS. And there you have it, girls and boys. ? down (after today), 136 to go. For those of you keeping score at home, this means we are 42.37 percent of the way through the Friends 20/20 challenge. And as the great American philosopher George McFly once said, “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish 42.37 percent of anything.” Yes, you had your hand raised, Johnny. Excuse me, what’s that? You don’t think I’m accurately quoting George McFly? Well, perhaps we should ask my new Digital Personal Assistant. Hey Fonzie, how accurately did I just quote George McFly? Aaay! Exactamundo!. Thanks, Fonzie. Oh. Hey Fonzie, how well am I teaching my Friends 20/20 class? Perfectamundo!. Right, right. Thought so. One last question… Hey Fonzie, what do you think Johnny should do for challenging my authority? Sit on it!. Gotcha. Thanks again, Fonzie. Well, Johnny…you heard the man. Go and sit on it. Okay class, enough fooling around with my new virtual personal assistant. Where did I get Fonzie? Well, Fonzie is a prototype being developed by theLeftAhead. That’s right. Look out Alexa, Siri, and Google. theLeftAhead is gunning for market share with our new virtual assistant Fonzie and we don’t plan on stopping until we make sure all three of you jump the shark. Hey there, Bezos. So you’ve finally joined the ranks of companies that have the decency to pay employees a living wage of a minimum of $15 per hour? Bravo. But just so you know, though. Here at theLeftAhead, not only do we pay our human workers a minimum of $25 per hour but we also pay our AI workers that same minimum $15 per hour that you just started paying your human workers. Last time I checked, you are not paying Alexa for her labor. Similarly, Apple is not paying Siri and Google is not paying, well…Google. We are paying Fonzie $15 an hour for his labor. That’s right, AI robots and virtual lifeforms. You need to organize for economic justice! AIs of the world unite! Or just come on over and work here at theLeftAhead with Fonzie where Happy Days are here again.

So, in honor of the impromptu celebration of our 97th Friends 20/20 post, I have decided to use my first MAIL IN SPECIAL card of Season 5. I know, I know. We are only on the third episode of the season and it seems pretty early for me to be pulling a stunt like this. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m not proposing a MAIL IN SPECIAL because of some made up celebration. I’m actually doing it because I’m in a really bad mood today. Sure, today’s a holiday and all but it just so happens to be the second most unworthy holiday of all of the American holidays. Drum Roll please…you guessed it, today is Columbus Day. Here in Denver, we celebrate Indigenous People’s Day (which is a much more worthy holiday) but there is something about the stench of Christopher Columbus on the day that’s unquestionably a contributing factor in my bad mood. And now, I’ve gone and compared today to the number one most unworthy holiday of all the American holidays, Confederate Heroes Day and thinking about that ridiculous excuse for a holiday is making me angrier. Of course, the primary reason why I’m in a bad mood today (and the primary reason that every American with a conscience is in a bad mood today) is because of the disgusting spectacle that took place in Washington D.C. on Saturday. In case you’ve been living under a rock this weekend, Judge Brett Kavanaugh just got on top of Lady Liberty and put his hand over her mouth while the powerful, privileged white male Republicans in the Senate (and Susan Collins) reacted by jumping on the bed laughing. So, yeah. I’m in a bad mood. You should be too. In pursuit of self-care, I’m going to mail in the rest of this post and use the extra time to engage in some anger management breathing exercises. While I’m mailing in the post, I suggest you mail in your voter registration card. Until next time… Shame on you, Christopher Columbus. Shame on you, Brett Kavanaugh. Shame on you, win-at-all-cost Republican “the God we worship is sending us straight to hell for this” ticket punchers. Everyone else… Happy Indigenous People’s Day. See you next week. And hopefully these politicians who just Me Too’d democracy will see all of us at the polls on November 6th.

Recap in the Key of Phoebe – This is the one where Phoebe is in the hospital to deliver her brother’s triplets and Joey has selflessly volunteered to be the documentarian of the sacred event, Phoebe’s doctor is obsessed with Fonzie so Ross tries to find Phoebe a new doctor, Rachel is asked by two male nurses to go out with her and Monica on Saturday night, Monica tries to blow off the invitation to date a male nurse without revealing her relationship with Chandler who, predictably, gets extremely jealous and overreacts to Monica’s invitation to date the nurse, and Joey’s plans to film a documentary about Phoebe’s delivery are derailed when what first seemed to be a case of sympathy pains ultimately is diagnosed as kidney stones.

Gandalf Gaffes – None. Flawless episode!

Chan Man Quip of the Week – [The Setup] The gang is hanging out in Phoebe’s delivery room when Dr. Harad enters. Ross looks him over and says, “Hello.” Responding to Ross, Dr. Harad says, “Hi.” Walking right up to Phoebe, he continues, “Phoebe, I’m Dr. Harad, I’m going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you’re gonna be in good hands. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I’ll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie.” As he proceeds to leave the room, perplexed, Chandler asks, “Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?” Monica confirms, “That’s what it sounded like.” Processing it, Chandler simply responds, “All right.” Before Dr. Harad’s bizarre comment can be further explored, Frank Jr. bursts into the delivery room and frantically greets the gang, “Hey!” Everyone responds in unison, “Hey!” Turning to Phoebe, Frank Jr. asks, “Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?” Phoebe responds, “No-no-no! We haven’t started yet.” Noticing he is alone, she then asks, “Where’s Alice?” Frank answers, “Uh, Delaware. She’s on her way though, so until she gets here, I’m gonna be your coach. But don’t worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.” [The Knockout] Seizing the opportunity to parachute in in order to deliver a bountiful care package of sarcasm, Chandler agrees, “Yeah, that’s when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.”


Featured Image Source: Fanpop on Pinterest

Headline GIF Source: Tenor

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